Wedding Bells & Backwards Nails
Plus dating in the Fifties, paraprosdokians and giant steps.
Dearly beloved… Having recently survived a wedding in the family ourselves, we can certainly relate to the family tensions in this tale by TeresaO — and can't resist opening with it:
"Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her excitement — not even her parents' nasty divorce. Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear, and would be the best-dressed mother-of-the-bride ever! A week later, however, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's new, young wife had bought the exact same dress as her mother. Jennifer asked her father's new wife to exchange it, but she refused.
"'Absolutely not! I look like a million bucks in this dress, and I'm wearing it,' she replied.
"Jennifer told her mother, who graciously said, 'Never mind, sweetheart. I'll get another dress. After all, it's your special day.'
"A few days later, they went shopping, and did find another gorgeous dress for her mother. When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, 'Aren't you going to return the other dress? You really don't have another occasion where you could wear it.'
"Her mother just smiled and replied, 'Of course I do, dear. I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night BEFORE the wedding.'"
American sportsmen… Turning to more manly pursuits, we pass along this brief hunting yarn (sort of) from Judge Hazard A. Guess. Pay close attention — and, yes, it matters that this is in Canada:
"Several guys from Peterborough, Ontario, dressed up their truck with a guy tied to the roof. The driver and passengers put on Moose Head costumes.
"As they drove down the main street of Peterborough they nearly caused about six accidents.
"They were charged with public mischief and having open beer in a vehicle. Peterborough cops have no sense of humor."
Speaking of moose, Jess Hossinaround in Arenas Valley sends along this Norwegian joke (which of course Norwegians can decide is really about the Swedes):
"Ole and Sven get a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose and they bag six. As Ole and Sven start loading the plane for the return trip, the pilot says, 'The plane can only take four of those.'
"The two lads object strongly. 'Last year ve shot six, and the pilot let us put dem all on board! He had the same plane as yours.'
"Reluctantly, the pilot gives in and all six moose are loaded. However, even with full power, the little plane can't handle the load and down it goes and crashes in the middle of nowhere.
"A few moments later, climbing out of the wreckage, Ole asks Sven, 'Any idea vere ve are?'
"Says Sven, 'I t'ink ve're pretty close to vere ve crashed last year.'"
Then there's this fishing story from Aletteration:
"Long before GPS was invented, two gents fished regularly at Elephant Butte Reservoir. On one outing, the largemouth bass were so unbelievably rampant, the two quickly caught their limits. They then resorted to catch and release to prolong the excitement for several hours.
"As night was coming on, they decided to head back to the rental dock. 'But first,' Ben said, 'we need to be able to find this hole again, so I'm gonna mark an X on the bottom of the boat.'
"'You dummy,' Jerry replied. 'What good will that do? Suppose we don't get the same boat next time.'"
Persons of the blonde persuasion… It's been too long since we've had a blonde joke in these pages, but here Old Grumps comes to the rescue. As always, feel free to substitute the hair hue of your choice in this yarn:
"Two public-spirited blondes, Lori and Judy, were doing some carpenter work on a Habitat for Humanity House. Lori was nailing down house siding. She would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in.
"Judy, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, 'Why are you throwing those nails away?'
"Lori explained, 'When I pull a nail out of my pouch, about half of them have the head on the wrong end and I throw them away.'
"Judy got completely upset and yelled, 'You moron! Those nails aren't defective! They're for the other side of the house!'"
Blonde or brunette, redhead or balding, your jokes are welcome at Desert Diary. Send to email@example.com.
Those happy days… There's simply no way to do justice to this joke from Farmor, the Swedish Grandma, without risking offending somebody. So if that somebody is you, please jump to the next entry. And remember that it really isn't as off-color as it seems, folks. After all, the setting is the 1950s:
"It was a hot Saturday evening in the summer of 1957 and Fred had a date with Peggy Sue. He arrived at her house and rang the bell. 'Oh, come on in!' Peggy Sue's mother said as she welcomed Fred in. 'Have a seat in the living room. Would you like something to drink? Lemonade? Iced tea?'
"'Iced tea, please,' Fred said.
"Mom brought the iced tea. 'So, what are you and Peggy planning to do tonight?' she asked.
"'Oh, probably catch a movie, and then maybe grab a bite to eat at the malt shop, maybe take a walk on the beach...'
"'Peggy likes to screw, you know,' Mom informed him.
"'Uh... really?' Fred replied, with raised eyebrows.
"'Oh, yes!' the mother continued. 'When she goes out with her friends, that's all they do!'
"'Is that so?' asked Fred, incredulous.
"'Yes,' said the mother. 'As a matter of fact, she'd screw all night if we let her!'
"'Well, thanks for the tip,' Fred said, as he began thinking about alternate plans for the evening.
"A moment later, Peggy Sue came down the stairs looking pretty as a picture wearing a pink blouse and full circle skirt, and with her hair tied back in a bouncy ponytail. She greeted Fred.
"'Have fun, kids!' the mother said as they left.
"Half an hour later, a completely disheveled Peggy Sue burst into the house and slammed the front door behind her.
"'The Twist, Mom!' she angrily yelled at her mother. 'The damned dance is called the Twist!'"
Paraprosdokians… Introducing a new category and introducing us to a new word, GeraldH explains that "'paraprosdokians' are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected." Winston Churchill loved them, apparently, and now so do we:
"Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
"The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.
"Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
"If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
"We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
"War does not determine who is right — only who is left.
"Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
"They begin the evening news with 'Good evening,' then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
"To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
"Buses stop in bus stations. Trains stop in train stations. On my desk is a work station.
"I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.
"In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR.'
"I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was blaming you."
Now's the chance to get in on the start of the paraprosdokian boom! Send your own submissions to firstname.lastname@example.org.
A matter of interpretation… Listen carefully and think twice might be the moral of this story sent our way by Beadlady:
"I was at the store late the other night and I was really tired. I may even have been the last customer before the place closed. The cute girl at the register said, 'Strip down, facing me.'
"It didn't dawn on me that she was talking about the swiping of my debit card.
"The good news is, bail is not nearly as expensive as I thought it would be."
Life lessons… Speaking of morals, this story from Ned Ludd serves up plenty of wisdom:
"An old man, a boy and a donkey were going to town. The boy rode on the donkey and the old man walked. As they went along they passed some people who remarked, 'What a shame the old man is walking and the boy is riding.'
"The man and boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions.
"Later they passed some people who remarked, 'What a shame. He makes that little boy walk.' So they then decided they'd both walk!
"Soon they passed some more people, who remarked, 'They're really stupid to walk when they have a decent donkey to ride.' So they both rode the donkey.
"Finally, they passed some people who shamed them by saying, 'How awful to put such a load on a poor donkey.' The boy and man figured they were probably right, so they decide to carry the donkey.
"As they crossed the bridge, they lost their grip on the animal and he fell into the river and drowned.
"The moral of the story? If you try to please everyone, you might as well kiss your ass goodbye!"
You're only as old as you feel… Two tales about smart-mouthed seniors, the first from CharlesC:
"At the senior center today, I failed a health and safety course that was put on for us old fogies. One of the questions was: 'In the event of a fire, what steps would you take?'
"'Freaking big ones' was apparently the wrong answer."