Old Goats, Robots and Nuts
Plus blondes on a double-decker bus and more reader yarns.
You're only as old as you feel… A heaping helping of senior moments this month — which, we promise, has nothing, absolutely nothing to do with our recently having marked yet another birthday. First, this from The Packrat Out Back:
"Groups of Americans were traveling by tour bus through Holland. As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used. She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing. 'These,' she explained, 'are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce.' She then asked, 'What do you do in America with your old goats?'
"A spry old gentleman answered, 'They send us on bus tours!'"
Then there's this trio of short tales from Farmor, the Swedish Grandma:
"Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: 'And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?' the reporter asked. She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'"
"I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over."
"An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart. 'Wal-Mart?' the preacher exclaimed. 'Why Wal-Mart?' She replied, 'Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week.'"
Losing the battle of the sexes… We could have included this one from Geerichard in the previous category, we suppose, but the essence of it seems to be the gender wars:
"An old man and woman, married for many years, fought often. Whenever there was a confrontation, yelling could be heard deep into the night. The old man would shout, 'When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!' Neighbors feared him. They believed he practiced magic because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighborhood.
"The old man liked the fact that he was feared. To everyone's relief, he died of a heart attack but not until he was 98.
"His wife had a closed casket at the funeral.
"After the burial, she took the neighbors straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow. Her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, 'Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way out of the grave and haunt you for the rest of your life?'
"The wife put down her drink and said, 'Let him dig. I had him buried upside down. And I know he won't ask for directions.'"
Then there's this insight into how men think, passed along by the Silver City Greek:
"As she sat by him in the hospital, he whispered, eyes full of tears, 'You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what, Martha?'
"'What, dear?' she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
"'I'm beginning to think you're bad luck.'"
Annals of technology… Nicely seguing from the war between men and women to our technological future, there's this from GeraldH:
Young or old, male, female or robot, your jokes are welcome at firstname.lastname@example.org.
"A father buys a lie-detecting robot that slaps a person when he lies. The father decides to test it out on his son at supper: 'Where were you last night?'
"'I was at the library," the son replies. The robot slaps the son. The boy confesses, 'Okay, I was at a friend's house.'
"'Doing what?' asks the father.
'Watching a movie, Toy Story.' The robot slaps the son again. 'Okay, it was porn!' cries the son.
"The father yells, 'What? When I was your age, I didn't even know what porn was!'
"The robot slaps the father.
"The mother laughs and says, 'He certainly is your son!' The robot slaps the mother."
O ye of little faith… We didn't see the end of this one, from The Santa Claran, coming at all:
"On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.
"'One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me,' said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.
"Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, 'One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me...'
"He knew just what it was! He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along. 'Come here quick,' said the boy. 'You won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls!'
"The old man said, 'Beat it, kid. Can't you see it's hard for me to walk?' When the boy insisted, though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.
"Standing by the fence they heard, 'One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me.'
"The old man whispered, 'Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord!'
"Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought-iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.
"At last they heard, 'One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done.'
"They say the old man had the lead for a good half-mile before the kid on the bike passed him."