D e s e r t E x p o s u r e
February 2012
Answered Prayers and in Cahoots
Plus Bud brothers, church bulletins and big guns.
Going my way… With April 15 not that far away, we couldn't resist starting off with this one from Old Grumps. (Note to any IRS agents reading this — just kidding! Please don't audit us!)
Tales of tippling… A certain religious theme runs through many of our yarns this month, even in unlikely places — like this one from Ex Boss:"An old pastor lay dying. He sent a message for an Internal Revenue Service agent and his lawyer to come to the hospital.
"When they arrived, they were ushered up to his room. As they entered the room, the pastor held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. The pastor grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything.
"Both the IRS agent and the lawyer were touched and flattered that the old man would ask them to be with him during his final moments. They were also puzzled because the pastor had never given any indication that he particularly liked either one of them. Finally, the lawyer asked: ‘Pastor, why did you ask the two of us to come here?'
"The old pastor mustered all his strength, and then said weakly, ‘Jesus died between two thieves, and that's how I'd like to go.'"
"A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
"The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, ‘You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time.'
"The cowboy replies, ‘Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona, the other is in Colorado. When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself.'
"The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
"The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
"One day, he comes in and orders only two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, ‘I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss.'
"The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs. ‘Oh, no, everybody's just fine,' he explains. ‘It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking.'
"The cowboy paused, then added, ‘Hasn't affected my brothers, though.'"
Whether it's last rites or last call, your jokes are welcome at Desert Diary. Email them to diary@desertexposure.com.
Kids say the darnedest things… We thought of Art Linkletter's old show when we read this one from Gee Richard — though this is perhaps a tad racy for ol' Art:
"Teacher: ‘Who can use the word "fascinate" in a sentence?'
"Molly: ‘Yesterday, my mother took me to the opera, which was fascinating.'
"Teacher: ‘That's not what I asked. Anyone else?'
"Carl: ‘Yesterday, I watched a crew building a skyscraper. I was fascinated.'
"Teacher: ‘Still not right. Who's next?'
"Willie: ‘My sister's favorite blouse has nine buttons, but with her big bosom she can only fasten eight.'"
Sunday funnies… We apologize if any of these bloopers from church bulletins are reruns — and thank T.O. for sending us a pew-packing collection:
"The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
"The sermon this morning: ‘Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: ‘Searching for Jesus.'
"Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
"Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say ‘Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.
"Don't let worry kill you off — let the Church help.
"Miss Charlene Mason sang, ‘I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
"For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
"Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
"Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
"A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
"Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
"At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be ‘What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice."
Throw the rascals out… It's an election year, so this brief update from Kelmac seems especially timely:
"Ruger is coming out with a new and intimidating pistol in honor of Senators and Congressmen. It will be named the Politician.
"It doesn't work, and you can't fire it."
Engineer this… We've never given much thought to the differences between engineers and regular folks, but evidently The Packrat Out Back has. They are, it seems, a breed apart:
"Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when one said, ‘Where did you get such a great bike?'
"The second engineer replied, ‘Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, ‘Take what you want.'
"The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, ‘Good choice. The clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway.'"