Deep Thoughts & Firewood Chopping
Plus a child's version of the Bible and rescuing Congress.
Annals of medicine… To help you keep those New Year's resolutions to get healthier, we serve up a triple dose of medical wisdom. First this from The Santa Claran:
Then there's this from The Silver City Greek. We'd advise readers to take this with a grain of salt, except isn't salt supposed to be bad for you, too?
"Doctor Bloom, who was known for miraculous cures for arthritis, had his waiting room full of people when a little old lady, completely bent over in half, shuffled in slowly, leaning on her cane. When her turn came, she went into the doctor's office, and, amazingly, emerged within half an hour walking completely erect with her head held high.
"A woman in the waiting room who had seen all this walked up to the little old lady and said, 'It's a miracle! You walked in bent in half and now you're walking erect. What did that doctor do?'
"The old woman answered, 'Miracle, shmiracle! He gave me a longer cane.'"
And this lesson in why it's important to pay very close attention to what your doctor tells you comes courtesy of CharlesC:
"Q. Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
"A. Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it. Don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart won't make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of a car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
"Q. Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
"A. No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, which means they take water out of the fruity bit so you get even more goodness that way. Beer is also made of grain. Bottoms up!
"Q. How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
"A. Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
"Q. What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
"A. Can't think of single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No pain — good!
"Q. Aren't fried foods bad for you?
"A. YOU'RE NOT LISTENING! Foods are fried these day in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated by it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
"Q. Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
"A. Definitely not! When you exercise muscle, it gets bigger. You should be doing sit-ups only if you want a bigger stomach.
"Q. Is swimming good for your figure?
"A. If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
"Q. Is getting in shape important for my health?
"A. Hey! 'Round' is a shape!"
Whether you're dispensing medical advice without a license or just sharing a joke, write Desert Diary at PO Box 191, Silver City, NM 88062, or email email@example.com.
"Like so many people who enjoy the rich food of south Louisiana on a regular basis, Boudreaux was quite a bit overweight. After a brief annual examination, his doctor said, 'I'm putting you on a diet. I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, then eat regularly again for two days, then skip a day. Repeat that routine for two weeks, then come back to see me. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least five pounds.'
"When Boudreaux returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60 pounds! 'That is truly amazing!' the doctor said. 'Did you follow my instructions?'
"Boudreaux nodded and said, 'I tell you, I t'aut I wuz gonna drop dead on de flo' on dat 'tird day every time.'
"'From the hunger, you mean?' asked the doctor.
"'No,' Boudreaux replied, 'from all dat dam skippin'!'"
Pondering the imponderables… More deep thoughts sent our way by Ned Ludd:
Persons of the blonde persuasion… Finally, a blow struck for the blondes of the world! Thanks to Paper Man for this quick comeback:
"If the world were a logical place, men would be the ones who ride horses sidesaddle.
"What is a 'free' gift? Aren't all gifts free?
"They told me I was gullible and I believed them.
"Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to merge his car onto the freeway.
"Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.
"One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.
"I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
"How can there be self-help 'groups'?"
You're only as old as you feel… Only too true, we thought when we read this one from Toni in the Vet's Office:
"Why do brunettes write blonde jokes? Got nothing else to do on Saturday night."
Waxing philosophical… Deep thoughts of a slightly different variety, passed along by Aletteration:
"I pointed to two old drunks sitting across the bar from us and told my friend, 'That's us in 10 years.'
"He said, 'That's a mirror, you old fool!'"
"An archaeologist recently deciphered this ancient wisdom involving ecology: 'When a man dies, he is buried. In the ground, the body decays. The decay is like fertilizer. The fertilizer makes the grass grow. A horse eats the grass. Later on, the horse defecates.'
"According to the professor, the ancient wisdom, translated into modern language, means, 'Never kick a horse turd. It could be your uncle.'"