D e s e r t E x p o s u r e
September 2010
Blonde-Joke Blowout!
Plus forgiveness, fun with puns, soda jerking and heavenly spellcheck.
You're only as old as you feel We start September with two tales of getting on in years. The first comes, appropriately, from Old Grumps, who writes, "All women should live so long as to be this kind of old lady!" Indeed:
"Toward the end of Sunday service, the minister asked, 'How many of you have forgiven your enemies?' Eighty percent of the congregation held up their hands.
"The minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one small elderly lady. 'Mrs. Neely? Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?'
"'I don't have any,' she replied, smiling sweetly.
"'Mrs. Neely, that is very unusual. How old are you?' the minister asked.
"'Ninety-eight,' she replied. The congregation stood up and clapped their hands.
"'Oh, Mrs. Neely, would you please come down in front and tell us all how a person can live 98 years and not have an enemy in the world?' the minister said.
"The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said, 'I outlived the sons of bitches.'"
Then there's this from new correspondent Silver City Judy:
"Morris, an 82-year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
"A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
"Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: "Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
"The doctor said, 'I didn't say that! I said, "You've got a heart murmur — be careful."'"
Share your side of growing long in the tooth with the rapt readers of Desert Diary! Email yarns to diary@desertexposure.com.
Persons of the blonde persuasion We're super-sizing our stories about people with a certain hair color this month, thanks to Gerald. As always, you are invited to substitute the follicle hue of your choice in these tales of "Seven Degrees of Blonde" (or redhead or brunette or bald):
"First degree: A married couple was asleep when the phone rang at two in the morning. The very blonde wife picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, 'How should I know? That's 200 miles from here!' and hung up. The husband said, 'Who was that?' The wife answered, 'I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear.'
"Second degree: Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, 'Hmm, this person looks familiar.' The second blonde says, 'Here, let me see!' So the first blonde hands her the compact. The second blonde looks in the mirror and says, 'You dummy, it's me!'
"Third degree: A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head. The boyfriend yells, 'No, honey, don't do it!' The blonde replies, 'Shut up, you're next!'
"Fourth degree: A blonde is bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, 'Go ahead, ask me! I know them all.' A friend says, 'OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?' The blonde replies, 'Oh, that's easy! It's W.'
"Fifth degree: Q. What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant? A. 'Is it mine?'
"Sixth degree: Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA freshman, sat in her US Government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about. Bambi pondered the question then finally said, 'That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware.'
"Seventh degree: Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby, was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, 'I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!'"
The joke's on us Just in case somebody gets offended by this Ned Ludd offering, we also apologize to all the Siamese twins out there:
"Siamese twins walk into a pub in Canada and park themselves on a barstool. One of them says to the bartender, 'Don't mind us; we're joined at the hip. I'm John, he's Jim. Two Molson Canadian beers, draft please.'
"The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers. 'Been on holiday yet, lads?'
"'Off to England next month,' says John. 'We go to England every year, rent a car and drive for miles. Don't we, Jim?' Jim agrees.
"'Ah, England!' says the bartender. 'Wonderful country — the history, the beer, the culture...'
"'Nah, we don't like that British crap,' says John. 'Hamburgers and Molsons beer, that's us, eh, Jim? And we can't stand the English — they're so arrogant and rude.'
"'So why keep going to England?' asks the bartender.
"'It's the only chance Jim gets to drive.'"
Capital pun-ishment: Blame Toni in the Vet's Office for these groaners, not us!
"King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates, the most valuable diamond in the ancient world. Desperate, he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan. Croesus said, 'I'll give you 100,000 dinars for it.' 'But I paid a million dinars for it,' the King protested. 'Don't you know who I am? I am the king!' Croesus replied, 'When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are.'
"Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. Unfortunately, all the Swiss league records were destroyed in a fire — and so we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.
"A man rushed into a busy doctor's office and shouted, 'Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!' The doctor calmly responded, 'Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient.'
"A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One day, his supply of the birds ran out so he had to go out and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them. Immediately, he was arrested and charged with transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.
"A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the toilets and urinals, leaving no clues. A spokesperson was quoted as saying, 'We have absolutely nothing to go on.'
"A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official, who apologized profusely saying, 'I must have taken Leif off my census.'
"A skeptical anthropologist was cataloging South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal Brujo who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the Brujo looked him in the eye and said, 'Let me tell you, with fronds like these, you don't need enemas.'"
Losing the battle of the sexes Perhaps this pair of tales from the frontlines of the gender wars will help you recuperate from that punning. The first drove up courtesy of Bob in the Garage:
"Tom stood over his tee shot on the 450 yard 18th hole for what seemed an eternity. He waggled looked up, looked down, waggled again, but didn't start his backswing. Finally his exasperated partner asked, 'What in the world is taking so long?'
"'My wife is watching me from the clubhouse balcony,' Tom explained. 'I want to make a perfect shot.'
"His companion said, 'You don't have a chance in hell of hitting her from here.'"
And this little yarn came our way via Cranky in Cruces:
"Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, 'Pour me a stiff one — just had another fight with the little woman.'
"'Oh yeah?' said Charlie. 'And how did this one end?'
"'When it was over,' Mike replied, 'she came to me on her hands and knees.'
"'Really?' said the barkeep. 'Now that's a switch! What did she say?'
"Mike answered, 'She said, "Come out from under the bed, you little chicken."'"
Our town This tale of small-town life was passed along by GeeRichard. The very easily offended might want to skip ahead:
"A few weeks ago, I stopped for gasoline in a town I'd never been in before. The town was SO small, the hardware store only sold hardware; the grocery store only sold groceries; the filling station only sold gasoline; and the drugstore only sold drugs — or so I thought.
"When I entered the drugstore I discovered it had a working soda fountain; in fact a guy was making a sundae right then. I couldn't resist, so when he turned to me, I ordered a milkshake.
"A few minutes later, I found out the server was the druggist himself, when a gent walked in and handed him a prescription. 'Okay, Frank, ' said the druggist, 'but how about I first make you something while I'm here.'
"'Sure,' came the reply. 'Make me a chocolate sundae.'
"A moment later, the druggist/soda jerk asked over his shoulder, 'Crushed nuts, Frank?'
"'God, no,' Frank replied. 'It's rheumatism.'"
Biblical proportions Finally, with eyes cast heavenward, we share this divine tale from Jess Hossinaround in Arenas Valley:
"A woman arrived at the gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her. They saw her and began calling greetings to her: 'Hello, how are you! We've been waiting for you! Good to see you.'
"When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, 'This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?'
"'You have to spell a word,' Saint Peter told her.
"'Which word?' the woman asked.
"'Love.'
"The woman correctly spelled L-O-V-E and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.
"About a year later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the gates of Heaven for him that day. While the woman was guarding the gates of Heaven, her husband arrived. 'I'm surprised to see you,' the woman said. 'How have you been?'
"'Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died,' her husband told her. "I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the multi-state lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a huge mansion. And my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation in Cancun and I went water-skiing today. I fell and hit my head, and here I am. What a bummer! How do I get in?'
"'You have to spell a word,' the woman told him.
"'Which word?' her husband asked.
"'Czechoslovakia.'"
Send your favorite jokes, anecdotes, puns and tall tales to Desert Diary, PO Box 191, Silver City, NM 88062, fax 534-4134, email diary@desertexposure.com The best submission each month gets a brand-new Desert Exposure mouse pad, scientifically proven to take the strain out of emailing jokes to Desert Diary.
Postcards from the edge Our globe-trotting readers continue to delight us with photos of themselves, near and far, holding "the biggest little paper in the Southwest." First up this month are Lin and Jim Townsend of Tyrone, who write: "We took our copy of Desert Exposure with us on our 11-day cruise out of Belize City on a small ship line, ACCL. Only 40 passengers and 20 crew. We toured lots of islands and cayes." This shows the Townsends at Roatan, Honduras.
Next is a photo of Kyle Meredith and Josh Reeves in Utica, NY: "The day after we arrived it was 82 degrees, then the following Sunday (Mothers Day) it snowed all morning. We ate a lot of great food, and it was green like no place in New Mexico, but we're glad to be home in the desert! We love DE, and it took most of the flight from Atlanta to Syracuse to finish reading it."
Whether you're heading for the high seas or the high desert, take your favorite publication with you and shoot a photo of yourself holding Desert Exposure. Send it to diary@desertexposure.com or PO Box 191, Silver City, NM 88062.