D e s e r t E x p o s u r e
August 2010
Balancing Act
Ask not what your state can do for you; ask what you can do for your state's budget shortfall.
Every New Mexico citizen with a blood alcohol content below that of the governor's yacht captain at Elephant Butte Lake knows that the Land of Enchantment is in for some fiscally awkward times. Never the most opulent state in the union, New Mexico decided to elevate our game a few years ago to keep up with the other states and finally show those dirt-poor toothless hillbillies in Mississippi that we are an advanced civilization.
Two years ago, the collective brains of our entire state legislature fell out of their heads. Based on artificially high and unpredictable petroleum revenues, the state projected a huge cash surplus solidly based on the stable prices of a globally traded commodity like oil. As you may recall, speculators drove up the price of oil based on nothing other than to see if they could, which they did, and the money was flowing. Personally, I am surprised the legislature didn't blow it all on strippers and cocaine, but they spent it on something far less interesting: roads, bureaucracy, trains, spaceports and talking urinal cakes that admonished citizens not to drink and drive, all the while reducing taxes and mailing out rebate checks to people who didn't pay taxes. Not surprisingly, two years later our state faces a budget crisis — but luckily the Lightcap Think Tank has sprung into action.
First, it's important to keep things in context. New Mexico is light in the wallet by about $440 million. Compare that to California, with a deficit of $41 billion (that's "billion" with a "b"). That's comes out to about $1,051 per taxpayer in California, as opposed to our paltry $219 each. So the first thing we gotta do is to knock off the sniveling and cowboy up. Sure, we were put into this situation by a bunch of bloviating pencil-necked politicians with the fiscal-responsibility skills of carnies, but it's time to fix this, not assign blame. There will be plenty of time for that in November.
Each and every one of us needs to do a bit of housework anyway, so let's start picking up all those coins lying about and put them in a jar labeled "Bill's Bailout Bank." Lift those sofa cushions, look under the truck seat, and take the pennies at the cash register. We can each probably find at least $5 in change in the laundry, behind the dresser and in the ashtray. So that leaves us each $214 short. We need to ratchet things up here.
Turn off your cable or satellite TV for one month. It's turning your brain into a big wedge of soft Camembert cheese, anyway. Think of all the time you'll have for yard work, reading, drinking, sex and more drinking. If you're really hard-up for video entertainment, watch a movie on the DVD player. You can even watch free TV at some websites. Plus, you just found another $75 or so to put into Bill's revenue jar in only one single month.
Suspend contributions into your retirement plan for a month. It won't make much of a difference in today's market, anyway — hell, you'll probably save money if you opt out for a month. There's no need to worry about compromising your retirement strategy because Social Security is going to take care of us all anyway, right? Depending on how much you contribute to your 401k plan, you'll save about $100 in one month. Then, ask your human-resources professional at work to re-enroll you and watch your investments grow like weeds again!
Okay, so we each need to scrape together another $39 to help New Mexico stay solvent, so let's look at some small things you can do. Limit your enchiladas to just two layers of corn tortillas for the year. That will put about $5 back in your pocket. Boost packets of taco sauce, ketchup, salt, pepper, creamer and sugar from the local fast food restaurants this year, which can save you $8 annually at home. Let your horse "escape" a couple times a month to graze on your neighbor's begonias, saving you substantial feed costs of about $10 for the year. Drain the fuel hose into your gas tank at the station, saving you about $3 in annual fuel costs. Save all your beer cans and sell them to the aluminum recycler. Depending on your dedication to the drinking sports, this could net you up to $10 a year.
Boost firewood from your neighbor's pile this winter when he's not around — never more than six logs at a time, so he won't notice. If he gets snippy about it, cut down one of his trees when he's away. Now he can replenish his wood pile. Last I checked, a quarter-cord of firewood cost about $40-$50, so now you've got what politicians like to call a "budget surplus." Following the lead of the Santa Fe economists, you should go ahead and buy a new Ford pickup with your found money. Don't worry about how you'll make payments next month.
By following these simple steps, we can each mail in our $219 and balance New Mexico's budget for another year. When you look at how you raised the money, I think you'll agree that it wasn't too hard to make budget adjustments. If it's so easy for the rest of us, why can't the Roundhouse Ring balance a checkbook? Is it really so hard to understand it isn't a good idea to spend money that you don't have yet?
I cynically expect the legislature to meet in January (after the elections, naturally) to increase taxes to help cover the deficit, including reinstating some (if not all) of taxes on groceries. This will be far easier for Santa Fe than actually cutting recently added programs and reducing spending, learning to live within our means. But why should we care, really? We're all going to be driving new pickup trucks thanks to the Lightcap Revenue Regeneration Plan!
Henry Lightcap balances his checkbook in Las Cruces.