D e s e r t E x p o s u r e
June 2010
Getting Older, Punning and Unzipping
Plus horse manure, fashion don'ts and Sunday school hijinks.
You're only as old as you feel What goes around comes around, as demonstrated in a slightly different way by this tale from Jess Hossinaround in Arenas Valley:
"A group of 40-year-old girlfriends discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally, it was agreed upon that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant, because the waiters there had tight pants and nice buns.
"Ten years later at 50 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally, it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the food there was very good and the wine selection was good also.
"Ten years later at 60 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally, it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they could eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant had a beautiful view of the ocean.
"Ten years later, at 70 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally, it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the restaurant was wheelchair accessible and they even had an elevator.
"Ten years later, at 80 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally, it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they had never been there before."
Persons of the possibly blonde persuasion "You guess the hair color," said Charles C in submitting this yarn. Since we harbor absolutely no hair-hue prejudices, we're stumped:
"A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it, then slammed it shut and stormed back into the house.
"A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mail box and again opened it, then slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.
"As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it shut harder than ever. Puzzled by her actions, the man asked her, 'Is something wrong?'
"To which she replied, 'There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps saying, "YOU'VE GOT MAIL!"'"
Similarly, we make no assumptions about the protagonist in this one from Geerichard:
"A woman brought her car to the dealership and said her husband told her it was time for a 30,000-mile check up.
"In going through the work order, the service manager asked her, 'When was the last time the tires were rotated, ma'am?'
"'Silly,' she replied, 'all the way I drove here!'''
Send us your tales of aging, people with a certain hair color or whatever else strikes your funny bone! Email to diary@desertexposure.com.
Cowboy logic This tale of country versus city smarts comes our way from Constance:
"A cowboy named Bud is overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in California when suddenly a brand-new BMW advances out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in an Armani suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, 'If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?'
"Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, 'Sure, why not?'
"The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location, which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image-processing facility in Hamburg , Germany.
"Within seconds, he receives an email on his Blackberry that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC-connected Excel spreadsheet and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his miniaturized HP LaserJet printer. He turns to the cowboy and says, 'You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.'
"'That's right," Bud says. 'Well, I guess you can take one of my calves.'
"He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car. Then Bud says to the young man, 'Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?'
"The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, 'Okay, why not?'
"'You're a Congressman for the US government,' says Bud.
"'Wow! That's correct,' says the yuppie. 'But how did you guess that?'
"'No guessing required,' answers the cowboy. 'You showed up here even though nobody called you. You want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are, and you don't know a thing about cows. This is a herd of sheep.'
"Bud pauses while this sinks in, then adds, 'Now give me back my dog.'"
Corporal pun-ishment Calling these "puns for educated minds," the Silver City Greek sends along these examples of wordplay pain. Begin groaning:
"The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Circumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
"I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
"She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
"A rubber-band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.
"No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
"A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
"Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
"A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
"Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
"I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
"The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
"A backward poet writes inverse.
"In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.
"When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion."
Annals of salesmanship When opportunity knocks, sometimes the result is a surprise, as in this yarn from Old Grumps:
"An out-of-work Louisiana redneck oilfield hand answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner. 'Good morning,' said the young man. 'If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.
'''Go away!' said the unemployed oilfield hand. 'I'm broke and haven't got any money!' He attempted to close the door.
"Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. 'Don't be too hasty!' he said. 'Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.' And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto the hallway carpet. 'If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, sir, I will personally eat the remainder.'
"The unemployed oilfield hand stepped back and said, 'Well, let me get you a fork, cuz they cut off my electricity this morning!'"