D e s e r t E x p o s u r e
May 2010
Grandpas, Mammograms and Traffic Cops
Plus frolicsome youth, blonde ambition and a contributor's confession.
You're only as old as you feel A pair of grandma and grandpa yarns start off the month, the first from Bill in the Mimbres, who writes, "As a grandpa, this story made me feel all warm and fuzzy... er... cold and moldy:
"A six-year-old goes to the hospital with her grandmother to visit her grandpa. When they get to the hospital, she runs ahead of her grandma and bursts into her grandpa's room.
"'Grandpa, Grandpa!' she says excitedly. 'As soon as Grandma comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!'
"'What?' said her grandpa.
"'Make a noise like a frog — because Grandma said that as soon as you croak, we're all going to Disneyland!'"
Then there's this equally subversive — but quite different — one from Toni in the Vet's Office:
"Granddad was reminiscing about the good old days: 'When I was a lad, Momma would send me down to the corner store with a dollar bill, and I'd come back with two pounds of bacon, five pounds of potatoes, two loaves of bread, three quarts of milk, a pound of cheese, a can of coffee and two-dozen eggs. You can't do that now.
"'Too many damn security cameras.'"
Youth will be served On the other side of the age spectrum, the Silver City Greek sends along this tale with the note, "And this could be our daughters!" Ah, youth:
Send your tales of folks both young and old — as long as they're funny — to Desert Diary, diary@desertexposure.com Remember, the best submission each month wins a coveted Desert Exposure mouse pad."An Oklahoma state trooper is patrolling late at night off the main highway. He sees a parked car, over under the trees near the river, with the interior light brightly glowing. He carefully approaches the car to get a closer look. He sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine. In the rear seat, filing her fingernails, is a very attractive young woman.
"Puzzled by this situation, the trooper walks to the car and gently raps on the driver's window. The young man lowers his window.
"'Uh, yes, Officer?'
"The trooper asks, 'Sir, is everything OK here?'
"The young man says, 'Well, Officer, I'm just reading this magazine.'
"Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat, the trooper says, 'And her, what is she doing?'
"The young man shrugs. 'Sir, I believe she's filing her fingernails.'
"Now the trooper is totally confused. A young couple, alone, in a car, at night in a lover's lane — and nothing naughty is happening! The trooper asks, 'What's your age, young man?'
"The young man says, 'I'm 22, sir.'
"The trooper asks, 'And her — what's her age?'
"The young man looks at his watch and replies, 'She'll be 18 in 11 minutes.'"
Persons of the blonde persuasion We're sure that the color of hair involved in this first-person account from Pop Hayes has absolutely nothing to do with what happened. Nothing, do you hear us?!
"My wife (who has blonde roots) came home the other day absolutely giddy. She said the county put those new traffic cameras in our neighborhood, and as she drove by one she saw it flash. She immediately looked down at her speedometer and noted that she was driving 5 mph below the posted speed limit. She was so tickled that she had caught the county goofing up that she turned around and drove by the camera again, this time 10 mph below the limit. Sure enough, she saw the camera flash as she drove by. She got such a kick out of her chance to laugh at the judge in traffic court that she drove by the camera three more times, each time slower and slower until she was barely creeping by on her last pass.
"Imagine her surprise two weeks later when the mail arrived and she had five citations for driving without a seatbelt!"
Annals of jurisprudence Speaking of the criminal-justice system, this yarn from new correspondent Guitar Gal is definitely worth reading all the way to the end:
"At my recent assault trial, I offered a plea of 'Guilty with an explanation.' The judge asked me what my explanation was, so I told my story. 'Your Honor,' I said, 'I had a mammogram appointment, which I actually kept. I was met with: "Hi! I'm Belinda!" This perky clipboard carrier smiled from ear to ear, tilted her head to one side and crooned, "All I need you to do is step into this room right here, strip to the waist, then slip on this gown. Everything clear?" I'm thinking, "Belinda, try decaf. This ain't rocket science." Belinda skipped away to prepare the chamber of horrors.
"'With the right side finished, Belinda flipped me (literally) to the left and said, "Hmm. Can you stand on your tippy toes and lean in a tad so we can get everything?" "Fine," I answered. I was freezing, bruised and out of air, so why not use the remaining circulation in my legs and neck and finish me off? My body was in a holding pattern that defied gravity (with my other breast wedged between those two four-inch pieces of square glass) when we heard, then felt, a zap!
"'Complete darkness and the power went off! "Oh, maintenance is working. Bet they hit a snag," Belinda said, and headed for the door. "Excuse me! You're not leaving me in this vise alone, are you?" I shouted. Belinda kept going and said, "Oh, you fussy puppy, the door's wide open so you'll have the emergency hall lights. I'll be right back." Before I could shout "NOOOO!," she disappeared.
"'And that's exactly how Bubba and Earl, maintenance men extraordinaire, found me: half-naked with part of me dangling from the Jaws of Life, and the other part smashed between glass. After exchanging a polite "Hi, how's it going"-type greeting, Bubba (or possibly Earl) asked, to my utter disbelief, if I knew the power was off. Trying to disguise my hysteria, I replied with as much calmness as possible, "Uh, yes, yes I did, thanks." "You bet, take care," Bubba replied and waved goodbye as though I'd been standing in the line at the grocery store.
"'Two hours later, Belinda breezed in wearing a sheepish grin. Making no attempt to suppress her amusement, she said, "Oh, I am sooo sorry! The power came back on and I totally forgot about you! And silly me, I went to lunch. Are we upset?"
"'And that, Your Honor, is exactly how her head ended up between the clamps.'
"The judge could hardly contain her laughter as she said, 'Case dismissed!'"
Persons of the blonde persuasion, II Honestly, we didn't set out to pick on this unfairly maligned minority this month! So, please, folks, substitute the hair hue of your choice in this one from Jess Hossinaround in Arenas Valley:
"During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password:
MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento.
"When asked why she had such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least eight characters long and include at least one capital."