D e s e r t E x p o s u r e
April 2010
Cheapskates, Idiots and Bagpipers
Plus: Texans strike back! And what religion is your bra?
For better or verse Robert H sends along this funny with the Biblical admonition, "A cheerful heart is good medicine" (Prov. 17:22):
"A new pastor was visiting the homes of his parishioners. At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door. Therefore, he took out a business card and wrote, 'Revelation 3:20,' on the back of it and stuck it in the door.
"When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, 'Genesis 3:10.'
"Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, the pastor broke up in gales of laughter. Revelation 3:20 begins, 'Behold, I stand at the door and knock.' Genesis 3:10 reads, 'I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked.'"
Annals of crime New correspondent Pop Hayes writes all the way from Georgia (the one Down South, not the one formerly part of the USSR):
"My cousin Harvey bought an old school bus and converted it into a camper. The bus had two gas tanks and since Harvey did not plan to use it for long-distance travel, he converted one of the gas tanks into a holding tank for the sewage. When gasoline prices hit $4 per gallon a while ago, Harvey bought a locking cap for the gas tank on the bus. Imagine his shock one morning when he came out to find a siphon hose hanging from the sewage tank on the bus and a gas can sitting on the ground.
"It wasn't hard for the sheriff to follow the trail of the would-be thief. Every two or three steps he left a large spot where he'd regurgitated."
Don't mess with Texas In partial penance for last month's rough go for Texans, we present this yarn from Ceil:
"A cowboy from Sweetwater, Texas, walked into a bank in New York City and asked for the loan officer. He told the loan officer that he was going to Paris for an international rodeo for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000 and that he was not a depositor of the bank.
"The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan, so the cowboy handed over the keys to a new Ferrari. The car was parked on the street in front of the bank. The cowboy produced the title and everything checked out. The loan officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having to charge 12% interest.
"Later, the bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the cowboy from Texas for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank's private underground garage and parked it.
"Two weeks later, the cowboy returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest of $23.07.
"The loan officer said, 'Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out on Dunn & Bradstreet and found that you are a highly sophisticated investor and multimillionaire with real estate and financial interests all over the world. Your investments include a large number of wind turbines around Sweetwater, Texas. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?'
"The good ol' Texas boy replied, 'Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?'"
Paging Scrooge McDuck Continuing a theme of penny-pinching Much as we always advise with blonde jokes, feel free to substitute the stereotypical skinflint of your choice in this one from Silver City Greek:
"Did you hear about the thoughtful Scotsman who was heading out to the pub? He turned to his wee wife before leaving and said, 'Margaret, put your hat and coat on, lassie.'
"She replied, 'Aw, Jock, that's nice. Are you taking me tae the pub with you?'
"'Nay,' Jock replied. 'I'm switching the heat off while I'm out.'"
Share your own tales of thriftiness, Texans, pastors, all or none of the above. Send to diary@desertexposure.com Remember, the best submission each month gets rewarded with a highly collectible Desert Exposure mouse pad.
Stupid is as stupid does Thanks to Judge Hazard A. Guess for passing along this collection of "idiot sightings." Remember, they're out there they vote and they reproduce:
"I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?' To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?' He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'
"I attended a 'good-bye' luncheon for an old and dear co-worker. She was leaving the company due to 'downsizing.' Our manager commented cheerfully, 'This is fun. We should do this more often.' Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that 'deer-in-the-headlights' stare.
"When I left Hawaii and was transferred to Florida, I still had the Hawaiian plates on my car, as my car was shipped from Hawaii. I was parking somewhere and a guy asked me, 'Wow, you drove from Hawaii to here?' I looked at him and quickly said, 'Yep. I took the Hawaii/San Francisco Bridge.' He nodded his head and said, 'Cool!'"
Don't mess with Texas II This story of the secret to a long life comes our way courtesy of CharlesC:
"A tough old cowboy from south Texas counseled his grandson that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder on his oatmeal every morning.
"The grandson did this religiously to the age of 103, when he died.
"He left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 45 great-grandchildren, 25 great-great-grandchildren, and a 15-foot hole where the crematorium used to be."
Kids say the darnedest things Frequent correspondent Bert in the Burros writes, "I was surprised to see that in the February issue, three of the jokes, while still good, were so old that I remember telling them while in college. So here is another oldie of 'Eddies'' escapades in school:
"In order to teach students some morality, the teacher asked several of the students to come up with a short story and point out the moral of the story. Mary told the story of her sister, who was playing with a ball and almost got hit by a car running after it. 'What is the moral, Mary?' the teacher asked. Mary replied, 'You should always look before you leap.'
"Susie told about her brother, who burned himself with some matches, and said the moral was, 'Don't play with matches.'
"The teacher then asked Eddie, who was not prepared, so he decided to wing it: 'Hopalong Cassidy was riding into town, when he saw four gunmen leaving the bank with sacks of money. He drew his guns at the same time as the robbers, and when the gunsmoke and dust cleared, all four gunmen were on the ground, dead!'
"'An exciting story, Eddie, but what is the moral?' said the teacher.
"Proudly, Eddie replied, 'You don't screw with Hoppy.'"