D e s e r t E x p o s u r e
April 2010
Your Cheating Heart
The 10 warning signs of an emotional affair: Are you and your relationship at risk?
By Richard Nicastro
You don't wake up one day and decide to have an affair. You're more likely to gradually enter into the arena of emotional infidelity — and many couples are surprised to discover that this slippery slope often begins long before a physical affair is underway. Why is this? Someone starting an emotional affair denies or minimizes the significance of what is happening ("It's just innocent flirting" or "We're just friends"). Denial allows the emotional affair to crest long before the implications of the affair are fully realized.
What is an emotional affair?
A sexual affair is easy to identify — you're either having sex with someone other than your spouse/partner, or you're not. An emotional affair isn't always that obvious. For instance, is offering emotional support to a coworker you find attractive crossing a line? Should you keep your distance from everyone you find charming? Is there such a thing as "innocent" flirting?
Don't allow these shades of gray to obscure the fact that there are clear warning signs that you are journeying down the treacherous path to an emotional affair. Often these signs have as much to do with your behavior as with your feelings for another person.
Why are emotional affairs so common?
Emotional affairs are often tempting to individuals in long-term relationships for several reasons. It is essential to understand these reasons in order to protect your relationship from the danger of an emotional affair.
New love has a special spontaneity and mystique all its own. As a committed relationship grows and matures, that spontaneity makes way for more predictable rhythms. Although these routines are a natural part of domestic life, many individuals mistakenly view this dramatic "cooling of the embers" as a sign that their relationship is missing something.
Furthermore, as couples face the reality of each other's inherent differences, the tendency to overlook personality quirks in the other (as was the case early in the relationship) is replaced with misunderstanding and conflict. As one couple recently shared, an argument over who left the milk out overnight can now turn into a week-long battle. It's often the inability to compromise, find common ground, and let go of the small daily hassles of couple-hood that can plague a relationship and make someone outside the relationship seem more appealing.
How can it be that the person who once seemed to alleviate our stress is now perceived as the major cause of stress? Many of the couples I work with report this very thing. When unavoidable life issues demand attention (for instance, how will the mortgage get paid now that one partner has lost his/her job?), the relationship itself often takes a backseat to these urgent, competing priorities. The challenge for every couple is to view the mundane but necessary aspects of life for what they are (mundane but necessary) and at the same time hold the relationship to a higher standard, one deserving of a special kind of focused attention.
It's these inevitable relationship ruts, marital conflict and the impact of stress (e.g. financial issues, caring for a newborn, coping with an ill parent) that make us vulnerable to an emotional affair.
Let's turn our attention to the emotional affair warning signs that all couples should be aware of.
10 emotional affair warning signs
1. You go out of your way to repeatedly "run into" this person. We all look forward to seeing people we enjoy — a particular friend or interesting colleague, for instance. If you're honest with yourself, however, you'll know the difference between a truly coincidental meeting and a "coincidence" that occurs because you stood around the office coffee machine for two hours (and you don't even drink coffee).
2. You say things to this person that you wouldn't if your spouse/partner were standing next to you. This is an important litmus test to determine if the relationship is starting to cross the emotional-affair boundary line.
3. You begin confiding in this person. When you confide in someone, you create a more intimate relationship by sharing information about yourself that isn't shared with just anyone. When you take someone into your confidence, you've elevated the relationship to "special" status.
4. The relationship becomes charged with a secretive, forbidden energy. This creates an "us" dynamic that separates the relationship from all others — the relationship is designated as unique because of its secretive nature. This also imbues the relationship with excitement and an element of danger (in direct contrast to the ho-hum energy of your current relationship).
5. When the kindle of an emotional affair is sparked, you begin to anticipate time spent with this person. Looking forward to spending time with someone other than your spouse isn't inherently wrong or dangerous. But when the foundation of an emotional affair is being poured, this anticipation causes you to feel a longing and level of excitement that should only exist in your marriage.
6. You put on your "best face" to impress this person. When you begin to have feelings for another person, you go out of your way to be charming, funny, sympathetic. The best "you" begins to emerge and you deliberately act in ways to enhance your appeal. (A side note: These changes usually mirror how you behaved when you first dated your spouse.)
7. You begin having problem-discussions with each other — in other words, you start to share your deepest struggles and intimate longings with this person. These conversations create a powerful no-one-else-understands-me-like-you-do bond.
8. S/he becomes the "go-to person" to share all important news with. While it is human nature to share the events of your life with the people most important to you, once you've entered the gateway of an emotional affair, your spouse/partner becomes less central in your emotional world as your give more of yourself to another person.
9. Before you know it, you can't help comparing the new person to your spouse/partner — and it should be no surprise that your partner fails to make the grade. In your mind's eye (and in the illusion of perfect love), all the differences that stand out for you indicate that this new person will be a superior mate and give you the happiness that has eluded you.
10. You begin lying to your spouse/partner. When your partner asks about your day, you omit any reference to this person (or you go out of your way to minimize his/her significance). This is a clear indication that you have something to hide and is often the first warning sign that an emotional affair is simmering.
When your relationship hits the unavoidable rough patch, all of a sudden the friendly, attentive co-worker who offers words of encouragement (rather than complaints about your shortcomings as a partner), or the person who smiled at you more than once at the gym, becomes elevated in your mind. The energy that gets stirred while sharing these brief, "innocent" moments can be misinterpreted as evidence that the solution to your marital/relationship stalemate lies outside the relationship.
The goal is to be mindful of your vulnerability and of these emotional affair warning signs. If you see yourself entering several of the above danger zones, it will be important to hit the pause button on this new relationship before it's too late. The allure of an emotional affair can create the illusion that perfect love exists and is right around the corner — that the only obstacle to real happiness is your current marriage or relationship.
Too many couples fail to put in the time and effort to work through the challenges that all relationships face, but instead, turn their attention to someone new. What they fail to realize is that a long-term, committed relationship with this new and exciting "friend" would someday present them with the same dilemmas they now face with their current spouse or partner. After all, isn't it true that your spouse/partner once evoked the same feelings in you as this new person now does?
Before you end up risking everything, take a few deep breaths. Then start to take stock of yourself and your marriage/relationship to see what is missing. Remember, your relationship might be going through a difficult phase (like adjusting to the challenges of becoming a new parent) that is temporary. When this is the case, becoming emotionally involved with someone else can turn into an additional obstacle to making your relationship everything you hope it can be.
Richard Nicastro, PhD, is a psychologist in Las Cruces who specializes in couples issues. He also offers relationship coaching by phone. He can be reached through his website at www.StrengthenYourRelationship.com or 915-2601.