D e s e r t E x p o s u r e
March 2010
Double-Blonde Tales, Confessions and Kids with Critters
Plus a glacier trek and the power of beer.
Persons of the blonde persuasion It just wouldn't be Desert Diary without a blonde joke, so we might as well start with this double-barreled one, courtesy of Jess Hossinaround in Arenas Valley. As always, you are invited to substitute the hair hue of your choice:
"A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little yellow bug and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde. The blonde cop asked to see the other blonde's driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated. 'What does it look like?' she finally asked.
"The policewoman replied, 'It's square and it has your picture on it.'
"The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it, and handed it to the policewoman. 'Here it is,' she said.
"The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back, saying, 'Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop.'"
The law of unintended consequences Is it wrong that one reason we like this yarn from Ned Ludd is that it casts Texans in a bad light?
"Two Texans are out hunting, and as they are walking along they come upon a huge hole in the ground. They approach it and are amazed by the size of it. The first hunter says, 'Wow, that's some hole; I can't even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is.' The second hunter says, 'I don't know. Let's throw something down and listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom.'
"The first hunter says, 'There's this old automobile transmission here. Give me a hand and we'll throw it in and see.' So they pick it up and carry it over, and count one, and two and three, and throw it in the hole.
"They are standing there listening and looking over the edge and they hear a rustling in the brush behind them. As they turn around, they see a goat come crashing through the brush, run up to the hole and, with no hesitation, jump in head first.
"While they are standing there looking at each other, looking in the hole and trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer walks up. 'Say there,' says the farmer, 'you fellers didn't happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?'
"The first hunter says, 'Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came out of the bushes doin' about a hunert miles an hour and jumped headfirst into this hole here!'
"The old farmer replies, 'Why, that's impossible! I had him chained to an old transmission!'"
Go and sin no more For some reason, priests are almost as popular as blondes in these jokes. Perhaps the woman in this one, submitted by WilliamH, is also a blonde?
"There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'
"The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'
"The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times.'
"The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.'
"The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'
"The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'"
Go on, get it off your chest! Send your funniest tales of blondes, priests, both or neither to diary@desertexposure.com.
When knighthood was in flower On the other hand, knight jokes we don't get so much. So this one from GeeRichard naturally caught our attention:
"A knight, Sir Good, has been named by his King to lead a crusade. After weeks of preparation, the knights brigade is about to leave. Sir Good's last detail is to stop at the quarters of his closest knight friend, Sir NotSoGood, who is not on this crusade.
"He hands his friend a key and explains, 'This is the key to a chastity belt I had fitted for my wife. You can give her the key if I do not survive.'
"The caravan is but two hours away when the friend knight rides up in haste, catches up, and tells Sir Good, 'I think you should know that this key doesn't work.'"
Annals of inebriation As you'll see — quite painfully, we warn you, this yarn from Toni in the Vet's Office could also have been dubbed, "Capital Pun-ishment":
"A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without a torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion.
"After 18 years, the son is now old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol.
"Swoooosh! Plop! A torso pops out!
"The bar is dead silent, then bursts into whoops of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant, 'Take another drink!'
"The bartender continues to shake his head in dismay. Swoooosh! Plip! Plop! Two arms pop out.
"The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant, 'Take another drink! Take another drink!'
"The bartender ignores the whole affair and goes back to polishing glasses, shaking his head, clearly unimpressed by the amazing scenes.
"By now the boy is getting tipsy, but with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Plop! Plip! Two legs pop out.
"The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God.
"The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left, then staggers to the right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly.
"The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief.
"The bartender sighs and says, 'He should've quit while he was a head!'"
Kids says the darnedest things Technically, this tale from Bob in the Garage does not employ a four-letter word:
"A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks, in the sweetest little lisp, between two missing teeth, 'Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?'
"As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level and asks, 'Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?'
"She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says, in a tiny quiet voice, 'I don't think my python weally gives a thit.'"
Speaking of kids and critters, there's this one from Anchorage Exile:
"A firefighter is working on one of the engines outside the station, when he notices a little girl next door in a little red wagon, with little ladders hanging off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The girl is wearing a firefighter's helmet. The wagon is being pulled by her dog and her cat.
"The firefighter walks over to take a closer look. 'That sure is a nice fire truck,' the firefighter says with admiration.
"'Thanks,' the girl says.
"The firefighter looks a little closer and notices the girl has tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles. 'Little Partner,' the firefighter says, 'I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster.'
"The little girl replies thoughtfully, 'You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren.'"
You're only as old as you feel This tale of senior moments comes, appropriately, from Old Grumps:
"An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.'
"The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
"The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know, the one that's red and has thorns?'
"'Do you mean a rose?'
"'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'"
Blonded by the light Since it's been so long since our last blonde joke, we feel obligated to close with another, courtesy of Ramblin' Man:
"Lynn and Judy were doing some carpenter work on a Habitat for Humanity house. Lynn, who was nailing down house siding, would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in.
"Judy, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, 'Why are you throwing those nails away?'
"Lynn explained, 'When I pull a nail out of my pouch, about half of them have the head on the wrong end, so I throw them away.'
"Judy got completely upset and yelled, 'You moron! Those nails aren't defective! They're for the other side of the house!'"
Send your favorite jokes, anecdotes, puns and tall tales to Desert Diary, PO
Box 191, Silver City, NM 88062, fax 534-4134, email diary@desertexposure.com The
best submission each month gets a brand-new Desert Exposure mouse pad,
scientifically proven to take the strain out of emailing jokes to Desert Diary.
Postcards from the edge We happily accept photos sent by our readers near and far, with or without accompanying narration of the circumstances that saw them posing with a copy of Desert Exposure. So first we share this shot of Jay and Michele Crawford, along with their interesting account:
"This photo was taken on July 14, 2009, at Grewingk Glacier Lake, Alaska. We were staying at a paradise of a bed and breakfast in Homer, Alaska, and on this day took a water taxi across Kachemak Bay from the Homer Spit, landing at the Grewingk Glacier Trail Head in the Kachemak Bay State Park that lay across the bay. There was no dock so we trod through the water a short distance to reach the beach. We signed in on the trail log and then began our journey. The temperature was a cool 65 degrees on the beach and through the dense forest of large Blue Spruce as we hiked our way along the trail amid the buzz of insects, the calls of various birds and the chatter of squirrels who railed against our intrusion. Eventually the forest gave way to the more open dry, gravel- and rock-filled glacial moraine dotted with hillocks of cottonwoods, low alders and shrubs and occasional wildflowers. The hiking was more difficult over the rocks in the open sunlight and higher 75-degree temperature, and we shed our heavier clothing for the cooler layers that we were thankful to have donned beneath.
"It became obvious that we were nearing the as yet unseen glacier when we were struck by cool breezes, as if we had just opened the freezer door to look for ice cubes. We welcomed the cool blasts of frozen air, since we were hot and sweaty from the sun-filled portion of the hike. As the trail rocks grew larger, we rounded a corner and there they were in their entire splendor: the glacier and its lake.
"We were overcome with awe and it took a few moments before we realized that there were other people at 'our' glacier. Three people, two of whom were visitors from Europe and one local woman from Halibut Cove, were perched on this rock while a local man from the Cove tried to program a camera on a tripod to capture all four of them in a photograph. Jay offered to take their photos in exchange for their help taking the photo we had planned to take with 'the biggest little paper in the Southwest.' We were grateful for their presence since it enabled both Jay and me to appear in the photo instead of just one of us. We were even more grateful when they left and we had the whole glacier and lake to ourselves!
"Jay and I sat by the cold, whitish-blue lake filled with 'glacial milk' runoff and dotted with small floating icebergs while we ate the lunch we had packed in, enjoying the magnificent beauty and solitude. Then we retraced our steps along part of the Grewingk Trail, changing to the switchbacks of the Saddle Trail as we entered a different portion of the dense forest. As we hiked we listened to the sounds of the forest's inhabitants, at one point hearing the roar of a Grizzly Bear. We continued hiking toward the pickup point in Halibut Cove and when we reached the trail ridge there was a spectacular view of Kachemak Bay, the cove and the distant Homer Spit. As we were signing out on the trail log we read a previous entry that noted that the water taxi didn't pick up the hikers as expected and arrived a day late. We hoped it was a joke since we didn't pack clothing or food for an overnight stay. The water taxi arrived late and those 20 minutes were a little nerve-wracking to be sure!
"We had hiked 5.2 miles, gaining 500 feet in elevation through the Alaskan Wilderness and viewed remarkable remnants of the ice age, all while carrying our copy of the July 2009 edition of Desert Exposure. All in all it was a very good day!"
Our second photo comes with this much shorter but no less interesting caption:
"Spike and Angela Flanders, with granddaughter Cincinnati, at Fort Marion, St. Augustine, Florida. Fort Marion was used to house Chiricahua Apache prisoners of war."
Whether you're glacier-hopping in Alaska or sampling history in Florida, take "the biggest little paper in the Southwest" along for the ride and shoot a photo of yourself holding Desert Exposure. Send it to diary@desertexposure.com or PO Box 191, Silver City, NM 88062.