D e s e r t E x p o s u r e
March 2010
Double-Blonde Tales, Confessions and Kids with Critters
Plus a glacier trek and the power of beer.
Persons of the blonde persuasion It just wouldn't be Desert Diary without a blonde joke, so we might as well start with this double-barreled one, courtesy of Jess Hossinaround in Arenas Valley. As always, you are invited to substitute the hair hue of your choice:
"A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little yellow bug and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde. The blonde cop asked to see the other blonde's driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated. 'What does it look like?' she finally asked.
"The policewoman replied, 'It's square and it has your picture on it.'
"The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it, and handed it to the policewoman. 'Here it is,' she said.
"The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back, saying, 'Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop.'"
The law of unintended consequences Is it wrong that one reason we like this yarn from Ned Ludd is that it casts Texans in a bad light?
"Two Texans are out hunting, and as they are walking along they come upon a huge hole in the ground. They approach it and are amazed by the size of it. The first hunter says, 'Wow, that's some hole; I can't even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is.' The second hunter says, 'I don't know. Let's throw something down and listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom.'
"The first hunter says, 'There's this old automobile transmission here. Give me a hand and we'll throw it in and see.' So they pick it up and carry it over, and count one, and two and three, and throw it in the hole.
"They are standing there listening and looking over the edge and they hear a rustling in the brush behind them. As they turn around, they see a goat come crashing through the brush, run up to the hole and, with no hesitation, jump in head first.
"While they are standing there looking at each other, looking in the hole and trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer walks up. 'Say there,' says the farmer, 'you fellers didn't happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?'
"The first hunter says, 'Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came out of the bushes doin' about a hunert miles an hour and jumped headfirst into this hole here!'
"The old farmer replies, 'Why, that's impossible! I had him chained to an old transmission!'"
Go and sin no more For some reason, priests are almost as popular as blondes in these jokes. Perhaps the woman in this one, submitted by WilliamH, is also a blonde?
"There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'
"The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'
"The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times.'
"The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.'
"The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'
"The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'"
Go on, get it off your chest! Send your funniest tales of blondes, priests, both or neither to diary@desertexposure.com.
When knighthood was in flower On the other hand, knight jokes we don't get so much. So this one from GeeRichard naturally caught our attention:
"A knight, Sir Good, has been named by his King to lead a crusade. After weeks of preparation, the knights brigade is about to leave. Sir Good's last detail is to stop at the quarters of his closest knight friend, Sir NotSoGood, who is not on this crusade.
"He hands his friend a key and explains, 'This is the key to a chastity belt I had fitted for my wife. You can give her the key if I do not survive.'
"The caravan is but two hours away when the friend knight rides up in haste, catches up, and tells Sir Good, 'I think you should know that this key doesn't work.'"
Annals of inebriation As you'll see — quite painfully, we warn you, this yarn from Toni in the Vet's Office could also have been dubbed, "Capital Pun-ishment":
"A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without a torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion.
"After 18 years, the son is now old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol.
"Swoooosh! Plop! A torso pops out!
"The bar is dead silent, then bursts into whoops of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant, 'Take another drink!'
"The bartender continues to shake his head in dismay. Swoooosh! Plip! Plop! Two arms pop out.
"The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant, 'Take another drink! Take another drink!'
"The bartender ignores the whole affair and goes back to polishing glasses, shaking his head, clearly unimpressed by the amazing scenes.
"By now the boy is getting tipsy, but with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Plop! Plip! Two legs pop out.
"The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God.
"The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left, then staggers to the right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly.
"The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief.
"The bartender sighs and says, 'He should've quit while he was a head!'"
Kids says the darnedest things Technically, this tale from Bob in the Garage does not employ a four-letter word:
"A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks, in the sweetest little lisp, between two missing teeth, 'Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?'
"As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level and asks, 'Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?'
"She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says, in a tiny quiet voice, 'I don't think my python weally gives a thit.'"
Speaking of kids and critters, there's this one from Anchorage Exile:
"A firefighter is working on one of the engines outside the station, when he notices a little girl next door in a little red wagon, with little ladders hanging off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The girl is wearing a firefighter's helmet. The wagon is being pulled by her dog and her cat.
"The firefighter walks over to take a closer look. 'That sure is a nice fire truck,' the firefighter says with admiration.
"'Thanks,' the girl says.
"The firefighter looks a little closer and notices the girl has tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles. 'Little Partner,' the firefighter says, 'I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster.'
"The little girl replies thoughtfully, 'You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren.'"