D e s e r t E x p o s u r e
March 2010
Healing Conversations
The power of appreciative story sharing.
By Mariam Weidner & Joan Chadbourne
At a recent "Storytelling Time" at the Silver City Public Library, the normally active pre-school children sat wide-eyed in rapt attention. They hung on the storyteller's every word, waiting to find out how the main characters would solve their dilemma.
Do you remember a time as an adult when someone told a story and there was that kind of attentive hush? Stories have this innate ability to connect us with each other. Add to this connective property an appreciative framework for sharing stories, and we can find ourselves in a place of deeper understanding, respect and even healing.
Imagine if we took time to listen to each other's stories in this way. We'd hear about a pivotal life experience told by someone special to us. If we listened as if it were a sacred practice — centered, curious and accepting of the other — we'd enter the storyteller's world. We'd open our hearts and minds and, consequently, know that person in a new, more complete way. We'd understand him or her more fully. Somehow we, too, would expand. Both of us would feel more connected and less isolated. That process describes appreciative story sharing.
Pam's experience: "After my mother's death, I visited my father every Wednesday at his assisted-living home. With every conversation I learned something else about him. He finally trusted me enough to tell me stories about his experience as a 23-year-old soldier who watched his men die on the beach of Normandy. He described the horror and misery. It was then that I realized the impact of that trauma and could forgive him for drinking so much. Through these conversations I got to have a father. Before I had only seen him as a drunk and burden; now I saw him differently."
Stories create a bond between storyteller and listener. People feel understood and accepted when they engage in "appreciative" story sharing. The experience satisfies our essential human need to belong. Research shows that elders who reminisce positively live longer, use less medication and report greater well-being than those who do not. Sharing stories can energize us.
Nettie had been in a lot of pain, yet she looked forward to this particular visit with family and her first-born nephew, Jay. Although the conversation was about Nettie's favorite topic, politics, she didn't engage in it. At the first pause, she said she was in pain and going back to bed. Joan responded by asking, "Would you tell us your favorite stories about this family?"
Nettie perked up immediately and told how she would sit and gaze at newborn Jay for hours. She told many stories about her devotion to her nieces and nephews. Then she looked at Jay and asked, "Can I sit in your lap?" Jay enfolded 87-pound Nettie as she curled up in his arms; both looked quite contented. Asking her to tell family stories energized her and the whole family. For a while her pain was forgotten. All had a special memory to hold dear; this visit was the last before Nettie's death.
Attentive listeners can help storytellers recognize an important aspect of their stories by asking them to explore their feelings and thoughts about the incident they're describing. They can point out particularly interesting passages. These questions and reflections help storytellers recognize the significance of their stories.
Mariam spent several days interviewing a woman who felt compelled to tell the inspiring story of her partner's death. Yet the woman didn't dare tell the extraordinary details of this moving story to anyone for fear of begin ridiculed. When she had tried, the reception was disheartening.
Mariam practiced sacred listening and made this woman feel safe. The woman told her that although her partner's physical body was diminishing as it drew closer to death, the soul seemed to be expanding. She was in awe of the way her partner faced death with such sweetness and grace. When she told her partner this, the response was, "I couldn't have done it without you."
Mariam's client heard and could repeat her partner's words but she didn't take in their meaning; she minimized her role and its importance in the story. Mariam kept repeating the partner's words back to the woman until finally their impact sunk in. She sobbed with the recognition of her gift to her partner.
Appreciative story sharing is a particular process for eliciting and valuing others' stories. Carefully crafted questions create the appreciative aspect of story sharing. They focus the conversation so that it is energizing, intimate and comfortable. They focus on strengths, values and assets. When the story is about challenges, we ask what storytellers learned from them; what strengths do they have now that they didn't before this life test.
Asking questions in this way signals the listener's interest in the storyteller's experience, feelings, thoughts and interpretations of the events and characters. The story and the teller come to life. These types of questions take the conversation to a more intimate level. Characteristics of energizing questions are:
- They inquire about a highpoint or pivotal life story — one that describes the storyteller's strengths, values and best experiences.
- They ask for the answer to be in story form rather than a linear description of events.
- They encourage descriptive details and exploration of feelings and reactions.
- They invite the storyteller to reflect, refocus or reframe life stories.
In appreciative story sharing the intention is to see others as whole human beings so that we can more easily value and relate with them. We may have known another in specific roles for years and yet not really know what is most important about that person. Through appreciative story sharing, storytellers bring us into their soul space and we know them more completely.
It is natural for people to tell stories; we do it all of the time. But when a listener does not engage with the storyteller, the unexamined story can become rote and boring. An example is the elder who repeats the same story over and over to bored family members who dread their visits.
Appreciative story sharing offers a way of learning about and enjoying others while providing the storyteller with an opportunity to explore significant life events. Often as storytellers share aloud with a caring witness, they hear their stories anew and gain a new perspective on the situation and their lives. Listening honors the storyteller and is a gift for both the storyteller and listener.
This process requires the listener to put aside judgments and be open to the storyteller. It creates a web of connection — the kind we humans yearn for. We can relate at a deeper level. We can see into the other's soul, generate and feel love.
Kathleen had always had a difficult relationship with her mother, who was dying. One day her mother looked at her and said, "Why don't people like me?" For a moment many reasons flooded Kathleen's mind. Instead of blurting them out, she took a deep breath and looked into her mother's eyes. She remembered the woman she loved despite her difficult aspects. Then she replied, "I don't know, but I do know they certainly missed someone special." Her mother laid her head on Kathleen's shoulder and they both cried. Kathleen said, "I'd never felt so loving nor so close to my mother before." Both were peaceful when her mother died the next day.
Compassionate listening goes beyond active listening. It requires the listener to:
- Prepare by centering.
- Be accepting and non-judgmental.
- Be 110% present.
- Ask, "What makes me curious? What about the story stands out to me?"
Some question whether another will respond positively to the request to engage in appreciative story sharing. Our experience is that many are just waiting to be asked. One workshop participant was a bit skeptical, but she dreaded visiting her in-laws so much she was willing to try anything. She came back from her next visit all smiles and said, "That was the best visit I've ever had with them. I even like them better now."
People ask us how to start such conversations. It is true that some potential storytellers are reluctant at first; they aren't sure if it is safe and fear being judged. We need to find ways to make them comfortable. Some protest because they think their stories are too mundane. One adult daughter responded to that concern of her father's this way: "That is exactly what I want to hear about — your everyday life."
Appreciative life stories are special because they draw out the essence of people and their stories; they build bridges that link people on a soul level. The stories aren't simply factual and linear narratives of life events; instead, their details and emotional content invite the listener into the storyteller's life. They build webs of connections and help us all feel more loved. These webs can also span generations if the stories are captured and preserved via audio, video or a digital story.
We invite you to think about whose story would be the biggest gift to you and which of your stories would be a gift to others. Try appreciative story sharing and let us know the results.
Mariam Weidner and Joan Chadbourne are co-founders of Moving Life Stories in Silver City, a company that helps people elicit, capture and preserve their life stories as a gift for others. Their workshop, "Treasures from the Heart: The Art of Mining and Polishing Life Stories," March 18 and 19 at Agave Ridge Retreat in Pinos Altos, is designed to empower others to practice appreciative story sharing. For more information, go to www.movinglifestories.com and click on "Current Workshops," or call 534-1441. (Mention this article for a discount on this workshop.) Watch for Chadbourne's book, Healing Conversations at End-of-Life, to be published soon.