D e s e r t E x p o s u r e
February 2010
Mad Cows and Irish Thieves, Stupid Pilots and
New Mexico Wives
Plus cat wrangling and a new way to get in shape.
You're only as old as you feel Writing from all the way in Fountain Hills, Ariz., RobertH returns to pass along this tale of aging and how it all depends on your perspective:
"My name is Alice Smith and I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist, when I noticed his DDS diploma, which bore his full name. Suddenly, I remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 30-odd years ago. Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on way back then?
"Upon seeing the dentist, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate.
"After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Morgan Park High School. 'Yes, yes, I did. I'm a Mustang!" he replied, gleaming with pride.
"'When did you graduate?' I asked.
"He answered, 'In 1975. Why do you ask?'
"'You were in my class!' I exclaimed.
"He looked at me closely. Then that ugly, old, bald, wrinkled, fat, gray-haired decrepit guy asked me, 'What did you teach?'"
Losing the battle of the sexes Speaking of aging, husbands, you can take a lesson in what not to do from this yarn sent our way by David in the Mimbres:
"A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible. I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
"The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
"And that's when the fight started"
The same goes for this tale from Cardmamma in the Burros:
"I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. 'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.'
"He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'
"'Nah, she can order for herself.'
"And then the fight started..."
Feeling old? Fighting with your significant other? Tell Desert Diary all about it by emailing diary@desertexposure.com.
Kids say the darnedest things We don't believe Art Linkletter ever had this one in his series from which we borrow this category title, but if ol' Art were still at it today, he'd love this story from Bill of Cedar Hills:
"'Now, class, we're going to study images, where just a few lines can lead to a complete picture in your mind,' the teacher said. 'Sally, take this chalk and step up to the blackboard.'
"Sally did. The teacher continued, 'Using as few lines as you can, give me a picture with some action!' Sally drew two curved lines coming to a point, which eventually the teacher puzzled out to represent the claw of a lion stalking through the jungle.
"Next it was Eddie's turn. He strode to the blackboard, tapped it once with the chalk and stood back.
"'A dot?' the teacher said. 'I can't see any action in that.'
"That's not a dot — it's a period,' Eddie corrected. 'And you should have seen my parents when my sister missed one!'"
Persons of the possibly blonde persuasion Correspondent Charles C doesn't indicate the hair color of the woman in this tale, but we have a guess. Readers may, as usual, infer the hue of their choice:
"A fellow took his girlfriend to her first football game. They had a nice seat right behind the bench of one of the teams. As the game progressed, he explained what was happening, and then as they were leaving he asked her if she enjoyed herself. She replied that she really liked the seats; she thought all those players in tight uniforms looked really sexy. She did think they were pretty cheap, though.
"When asked why, she said, 'Well at the beginning of the game they flipped the coin and the other team won. The rest of the game our team was screaming, "Get the quarter back!" I mean — hello! — it's only 25 cents.'"
Truth is stranger than fiction According to Old Grumps, this account of criminal ineptitude actually appeared in the Dublin Times. We don't care whether it's for real, as it's certainly for chuckles:
"Once inside the bank shortly after midnight, the robbers' efforts at disabling the security system got underway immediately. The robbers, who expected to find one or two large safes filled with cash and valuables, were surprised to see hundreds of smaller safes throughout the bank.
"The robbers cracked the first safe's combination, and inside they found only a small bowl of vanilla pudding. As recorded on the bank's audio tape system, one robber said, 'At least we'll have a bit to eat.'
"The robbers opened up a second safe, and it also contained nothing but vanilla pudding. The process continued until all the safes were opened.
"They did not find one pound sterling, a diamond, or an ounce of gold. Instead, all the safes contained covered little bowls of pudding. Disappointed, the robbers made a quiet exit, each leaving with nothing more than a queasy, uncomfortably full stomach.
"The newspaper headline read: 'Ireland's Largest Sperm Bank Robbed Early This Morning.'"
Divine comedy This e-mail popped into our Inbox the other day from Eaglegreen:
"One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the rascally behavior that was going on. So he called one of His angels and sent the angel to Earth for a time.
"When the angel returned, he told God, 'Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not.'
"God thought for a moment and said, 'Maybe I'd better send down a second angel to get another opinion.' So God called another angel and sent him to Earth for a time.
"When the second angel returned, he went to God and said, 'Yes, it's true. The Earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good.'
"God was not pleased. So He decided to e-mail the 5% who were good, because he wanted to encourage them, and give them a little something to help them keep going. Do you know what the e-mail said?
"Okay, I was just wondering, because I didn't get one either."
Stupid is as stupid does Think really hard about this one from GeeRichard, lest you qualify for this category yourself:
"Two really stupid airline pilots (you can fill in the ethnic slur of your choice) were flying from New York to LA, when they had engine problems and had to set down at an airport somewhere west of Silver City in late afternoon. As they approached the field, the pilot looked out the window and said to the copilot, 'That runway looks awfully short. We'd better throttle back the engines and drop the wing brakes.'
"As the plane touched down, they popped a drag chute and reverse-powered the engines. The plane rolled to a stop with its front wheel in the sand just off the runway. 'Whew,' said the pilot. 'Did you ever see a runway so short?'
"'Naw,' said the copilot as he looked out through the side windows. 'And I never saw a runway so wide.'"
Don't be an idiot! Send your funniest jokes and most touching anecdotes to Desert Diary, email diary@desertexposure.com.
Our pets, ourselves This saga of a night out gone wrong comes courtesy of (who else?) Toni in the Vet's Office:
"We were dressed and ready to go out to a party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house.
"The cat we'd put out in the yard scooted back into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird. My wife went out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the cat. The cat ran upstairs, with me in hot pursuit.
"Waiting in the cab, my wife didn't want the driver to know that the house would be empty for the night. So she explained to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, saying, 'He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother.'
"A few minutes later, I got into the cab. 'Sorry I took so long,' I said, as we drove away. 'That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!'
"The cab driver hit a parked car."