D e s e r t E x p o s u r e
January 2010
Fighter Jocks, Catholic Tastes and Blonde Ambition
Plus pondering the difference between "hanky" and "panky."
You're only as old as you feel We start off a new year of Desert Diary with, appropriately enough, this tale of youth versus age submitted by one of our most faithful correspondents, the indefatigable Toni in the Vet's Office:
"A C-130 was lumbering along when a cocky F-16 flashed by. The jet jockey decided to show off. The fighter jock radioed the C-130 pilot, 'Watch this!' and promptly went into a barrel roll followed by a steep climb. He then finished with a sonic boom as he broke the sound barrier. The F-16 pilot asked the C-130 pilot, 'What did you think of that?'
"The C-130 pilot said, 'That was impressive, but watch this!' The C-130 droned along for about five minutes and then the C-130 pilot came back on and said, 'What did you think of that?'
"Puzzled, the F-16 pilot asked, 'What the heck did you do?'
"The C-130 pilot chuckled. 'I stood up, stretched my legs, walked to the back, took a leak, then got a cup of coffee and a cinnamon roll.'
"The moral? When you are young and foolish, speed and flash may seem like a good thing. When you get older and smarter, comforting and dull are not such a bad thing."
Start our new year off right! Resolve to send your jokes, anecdotes, puns
and funny fodder to Desert Diary,diary@desertexposure.com.
Annals of aviation Keeping our eye to the sky, we pass along this yarn courtesy of Judge Hazard A. Guess:
"His request for a plane approved, the news photographer quickly called the local airport to charter a flight. He was told a twin-engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport. Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger. He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, 'Let's go!'
"The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off. Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, 'Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides.'
"'Why?' asked the pilot.
"'Because I'm a news photographer and I need to get some close-up shots.'
"The pilot was strangely silent for a moment. Finally he stammered, 'So, what you're telling me is you're NOT my flight instructor?'"
Please don't feed the dogma Belated thanks to Rich and Carol, who sent this many moons ago. We only recently unearthed it from Diary's inbox, and you'll be glad we did:
"Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak. But all of Bubba's neighbors were Catholic, and since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday.
"The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest. The priest came to visit Bubba, and suggested that he become a Catholic. After several classes and much study, Bubba attended Mass, and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, the priest said, 'You were born a Baptist, and raised a Baptist, but now you are a Catholic.'
"Bubba's neighbors were greatly relieved — until Friday night arrived, and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood. The priest was called immediately by the neighbors. As he rushed into Bubba's yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement.
"There stood Bubba, clutching a small bottle of holy water, which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat as he chanted: 'You wuz born a deer, you wuz raised a deer, but now you is a catfish.'"
Losing the battle of the sexes What would 2010 be without a volley or two in the gender wars? This shot across the bow comes from Ramblin' Man:
"My wife and I were watching 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?'
"'No,' she answered.
"I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'
"She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes.'
"So I said, 'Then I'd like to phone a friend.'
"And then the fight started."
The do-not-call list. More ideas from Tigger of Oz for dealing with those pesky telemarketers:
"Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a telemarketer, set the receiver down, scream, 'Oh my God!' and then hang up.
"Tell the telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask him/her if he/she will give you his/her home phone number so you can call him/her back. When the telemarketer explains that telemarketers cannot give out their home numbers, say, 'I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?' The telemarketer will agree and you say, 'Me neither!' Hang up.
"Tell them it is dinner time, but ask if they would please hold. Put them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation.
"Tell the telemarketer you are on 'home incarceration' and ask if they could bring you some beer.
"Ask them to fax the information to you, and make up a number.
"Tell the telemarketer, 'Okay, I'll listen to you. But I should probably tell you, I'm not wearing any clothes.'
"Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. 'Come on, Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?'
"Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up. Louder louder
"Tell them to talk very slowly, because you want to write down every word."
Vatican, too. Continuing what seems to be a theme (from Bubba the Catholic convert, above), we say, "Bless you!" and share this story from Eaglegreen:
"After getting all of the Pope's luggage loaded into the limo (and the Pope doesn't travel light), the driver notices the Pope is still standing on the curb. 'Excuse me, Your Holiness,' says the driver. 'Would you please take your seat so we can leave?'
"'Well, to tell you the truth,' says the Pope, 'they never let me drive at the Vatican when I was a cardinal, and I'd really like to drive today.'
"'I'm sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! What if something should happen?' protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.
"'Who's going to tell?' says the Pope with a smile.
"Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it. 'Please slow down, Your Holiness!' pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.
"'Oh, dear God, I'm going to lose my license — and my job!' moans the driver.
"The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio. 'I need to talk to the Chief,' the cop says to the dispatcher.
"The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a speeding limo. 'So bust him,' says the Chief.
"'I don't think we want to do that. He's really important,' says the cop.
"The Chief exclaims, 'All the more reason!'
"'No, I mean REALLY important,' the cop persists.
"The Chief then asks, 'Who do you have there, the mayor?' Cop: 'Bigger.' Chief: ' A senator?' Cop: 'Bigger.' Chief: 'The president?' Cop: 'Bigger.' 'Well,' says the Chief, 'who is it?
'"Cop: 'I think it's God!'
"The Chief is even more puzzled and curious. 'What makes you think it's God?'
"The cop says, 'His chauffeur is the Pope!'"