D e s e r t E x p o s u r e
December 2009
Happy Endings, Homicides and Doing It the Hard Way
Plus fishing smarts and aunts not to mess with.
Stupid is as stupid does We begin with a fishing yarn, of sorts, sent our way by Alitteration:
"The lake fish are biting like crazy for two guys in a boat. 'We gotta remember this spot,' declares one.
"'Yeah,' his pal replies. 'I'll take my marker and make an X on the floor here.'
"'How dumb can you be?' his partner replies. 'We may not rent this same boat next time!'"
The marrying kind This slightly different take on our usual chuckles about men and women, especially married ones, comes courtesy of Cardmomma of the Burros:
"The local news station was interviewing an 84-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time. The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 84 and then about her new husband's occupation. 'He's a funeral director.' she answered.
"'Interesting,' the newsman thought. He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him about her first three husbands and what they did for a living. She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years.
"After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she first married a banker when she was in her early 20s, then a circus ringmaster when she was in her 40s, later a preacher when in her 60s, and now in her 80s a funeral director.
"The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.
"'Easy, son,' she smiled. 'I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready and four to go!'"
When the West was wild Remember those old movie Westerns? Well, they didn't turn out exactly like this tale from Jess Hossinaround in Arenas Valley:
"An old prospector shuffled into town leading an old tired mule. The old man headed straight for the only saloon in town to clear his parched throat. He walked up to the saloon and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun inone hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.
"The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, 'Hey, old man, have you ever danced?'
"The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, 'No, I never did dance — just never wanted to.'
"A crowd had gathered quickly and the gunslinger grinned and said, 'Well, you old fool, you're gonna dance now,' and started shooting at the old man's feet. To keep from getting a toe blown off or his boots perforated, the old prospector was soon hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet and everybody was laughing fit to be tied.
"When the last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon. The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers back. The loud, audible double clicks carried clearly through the desert air. The crowd stopped laughing immediately. The young gunslinger heard the sounds, too, and he turned around very slowly. The quiet was almost deafening.
"The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels. He found it hard to swallow. The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands.
"The old man said, 'Son, did you ever kiss a mule's behind?'
"The young bully swallowed hard and said, 'No. But I've always wanted to.'
"There are two lessons for us all here:
"1. Don't waste ammunition.
"2. Don't mess with old people.
"Don't you just love a story with a happy ending?"
Share your Wild West stories, favorite funnies, heartwarming anecdotes and painful puns! Send to diary@desertexposure.com
Short subjects These four pint-sized tales were all forward by that ubiquitous emailer, Toni in the Vet's Office:
"A blonde called the airline and asked: 'Can you tell me how long it will take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?' The agent replied, 'Just a minute.' 'Thank you,' the blonde said, and hung up.
"Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez. 'How was he killed?' asked one detective. 'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied. 'A golf gun, what is a golf gun?' 'I don't know, but it sure made a hole in Juan.'
"A man was recovering from surgery when a nurse appeared and asked him how he was feeling. 'I'm OK, but I didn't like the four-letter words the doctor used in surgery,' he answered. 'What did he say?' asked the nurse. The patient replied: 'Oops.'
"Shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least 10 years and 20 pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice. 'What do you think?' I asked, 'should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?' 'Better get a bikini,' he replied. 'You'd never get it all in one.' He is still in intensive care."
Annals of consumerism Perhaps responding to our recent plea for some "clean" submissions to Desert Diary, Fred in the Garage sent along this:
"Dear Tide detergent:
"I am writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it all of my married life, as my Mom always told me it was the best. Now that I am in my fifties I find it even better! In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to belittle me about how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck. One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with his blood on my new white blouse! I grabbed my bottle of Tide with bleach alternative, and to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out! In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative, and then my attorney called and said that I was no longer considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband.
"What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect! I thank you, once again, for having a great product.
"Well, gotta go, have to write to the Hefty bag people."
Send us your stories, clean or otherwise! Email diary@desertexposure.com
Pondering the imponderables These thoughts worth, well, thinking about were submitted for your inspection by The Silver City Greek:
Send your favorite jokes, anecdotes, puns and tall tales to Desert Diary, PO Box 191, Silver City, NM 88062, fax 534-4134, email diary@desertexposure.com The best submission each month gets a brand-new Desert Exposure mouse pad, scientifically proven to take the strain out of emailing jokes to Desert Diary."It 's not whether you win or lose, but how you place the blame.
"You are not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
"We have enough youth. How about a fountain of 'smart'?
"The original point-and-click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
"A fool and his money can throw one heck of a party.
"When blondes have more fun, do they know it?
"Five days a week my body is a temple. The other two it's an amusement park.
"Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.
"If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
"We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
"Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
"The latest survey shows that three out of four people make up 75% of the population."
Life on the farm We really didn't see this one coming. Thanks to GeeRichard for this yarn with a kick:
"When I was a traveling farm-supplies salesman, I came upon a farmer plowing with a horse. I discovered, when I stopped to make a sales call, that he was not Amish. I asked him why he plowed with animals when small tractors were inexpensive.
"'I grew up doing things the hard way, and I like it,' came the reply.
"As we talked, he carried a bucket to a well, pumped it full and dumped it in the animal trough. 'Don't you have running water?' I asked.
"'Nah, like I said, I like doing things the hard way.'
"This went on for a few minutes; each time, the same answer: 'I like doing things the hard way.'
"Then a couple of his children walked by and I quipped: 'I suppose you're going to tell me you did that the hard way?'
"'Yep,' he said. 'Standing up in a canoe.'"
The great outdoors There's a lesson to be learned from this yarn, sent by Ned Ludd, but we're not going to spoil it for you by spelling it out:
"One day, Joe, Bob and Dave were hiking in a wilderness area when they came upon a large, raging, violent river. They needed to get to the other side, but had no idea how to do so.
"Joe prayed to God, saying, 'Please, God, give me the strength to cross this river.' Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs, and Joe was able to swim across the river in about two hours, although he almost drowned a couple of times.
"Seeing this, Dave prayed to God, saying, 'Please, God, give me the strength and the tools to cross this river.' Poof! God gave him a rowboat and he was able to row across the river in about an hour, after almost capsizing the boat a couple of times.
"Bob had seen how this worked out for the other two, so he also prayed to God, saying, 'Please, God, give me the strength and the tools, and the intelligence, to cross this river.' Poof! God turned him into a woman. She looked at the map, hiked upstream a couple of hundred yards, then walked across the bridge."
Kids say the darnedest things Finally, JackB returns with this tale of little Johnny, which definitely has a moral at the end:
"The teacher gave her fifth-grade class an assignment: Have your parents tell you a story with a moral at the end.
"The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories. 'Johnny, do you have a story to share?'
"'Yes, ma'am. My daddy told a story about my Aunt Carol. She was a pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a small flask of whiskey, a pistol and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break, and then her parachute landed right in the middle of 20 enemy troops.
"'She shot 15 of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, until the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.
'''Good heavens!' said the shocked teacher. 'What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from this horrible story?'
'''Stay the hell away from Aunt Carol when she's drinking.'"
Postcards from the edge We continue to be delighted with the response to our call for traveling readers to take snapshots of themselves holding "the biggest little paper in the Southwest" (and apologize to those we haven't gotten to yet!).
This month's first photo comes from Karl and Barbara Giese of Silver City, snapped "at the shrine to NFL football — Lambeau Field, the Packers' stadium. We visited the stadium and Packers Hall of Fame while visiting family in Green Bay."
Our second snapshot was sent in by Pamela J. Smith of Las Cruces, who writes: "This very familiar view of the Eiffel Tower in Paris was taken June 24. I was with a group of singers with the Mesilla Valley Chorale. We had been invited over two years ago to participate in a music festival in LeMans, France. (Yes, that is where the Grand Prix takes place, but fortunately not that week!) There are over 60 singers in the Chorale, and over 40 were able to go to France. We stayed with host families in Sevigne L'Eveque and were royally received and treated. We presented two concerts, one in the lovely old church in Sevigne, and the other in a concert hall in LeMans. Both were packed and enthusiastically received, with standing ovations and encores. Our theme 'One World' proved that music is truly an international language. We stayed with our hosts for six days, when some returned to the US, while others went to Germany, Austria, Italy and about 20 of us went to Paris for four days. where we had a dizzying round of sightseeing and tours.
"I had lived in Paris for three years many years ago, so it was fascinating to me to see both the familiar and new sights. Paris in June is packed with tourists, but I was impressed with the cleanliness, order and overall spacious layout of both the old and newer parts of the city. The 'hop-on, hop-off' option for the bus, plus Metro passes made transportation easy and quick, and the music festival influence lived on as part of a national celebration. There were musicians on the Metro, impromptu jazz sessions in the small neighborhood parks, and generally a feeling of celebration and festivity, leaving us all with many uplifting and wonderful memories."
Whether you're headed to Gay Paree or just to Paris, Texas, take along a copy
of Desert Exposure and get a photo of yourself with it "on location." Send
to Desert Diary, PO Box 191, Silver City, NM 88062 or email diary@desertexposure.com