D e s e r t E x p o s u r e
December 2009
Happy Endings, Homicides and Doing It the Hard Way
Plus fishing smarts and aunts not to mess with.
Stupid is as stupid does We begin with a fishing yarn, of sorts, sent our way by Alitteration:
"The lake fish are biting like crazy for two guys in a boat. 'We gotta remember this spot,' declares one.
"'Yeah,' his pal replies. 'I'll take my marker and make an X on the floor here.'
"'How dumb can you be?' his partner replies. 'We may not rent this same boat next time!'"
The marrying kind This slightly different take on our usual chuckles about men and women, especially married ones, comes courtesy of Cardmomma of the Burros:
"The local news station was interviewing an 84-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time. The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 84 and then about her new husband's occupation. 'He's a funeral director.' she answered.
"'Interesting,' the newsman thought. He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him about her first three husbands and what they did for a living. She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years.
"After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she first married a banker when she was in her early 20s, then a circus ringmaster when she was in her 40s, later a preacher when in her 60s, and now in her 80s a funeral director.
"The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.
"'Easy, son,' she smiled. 'I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready and four to go!'"
When the West was wild Remember those old movie Westerns? Well, they didn't turn out exactly like this tale from Jess Hossinaround in Arenas Valley:
"An old prospector shuffled into town leading an old tired mule. The old man headed straight for the only saloon in town to clear his parched throat. He walked up to the saloon and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun inone hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.
"The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, 'Hey, old man, have you ever danced?'
"The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, 'No, I never did dance — just never wanted to.'
"A crowd had gathered quickly and the gunslinger grinned and said, 'Well, you old fool, you're gonna dance now,' and started shooting at the old man's feet. To keep from getting a toe blown off or his boots perforated, the old prospector was soon hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet and everybody was laughing fit to be tied.
"When the last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon. The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers back. The loud, audible double clicks carried clearly through the desert air. The crowd stopped laughing immediately. The young gunslinger heard the sounds, too, and he turned around very slowly. The quiet was almost deafening.
"The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels. He found it hard to swallow. The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands.
"The old man said, 'Son, did you ever kiss a mule's behind?'
"The young bully swallowed hard and said, 'No. But I've always wanted to.'
"There are two lessons for us all here:
"1. Don't waste ammunition.
"2. Don't mess with old people.
"Don't you just love a story with a happy ending?"
Share your Wild West stories, favorite funnies, heartwarming anecdotes and painful puns! Send to diary@desertexposure.com
Short subjects These four pint-sized tales were all forward by that ubiquitous emailer, Toni in the Vet's Office:
"A blonde called the airline and asked: 'Can you tell me how long it will take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?' The agent replied, 'Just a minute.' 'Thank you,' the blonde said, and hung up.
"Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez. 'How was he killed?' asked one detective. 'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied. 'A golf gun, what is a golf gun?' 'I don't know, but it sure made a hole in Juan.'
"A man was recovering from surgery when a nurse appeared and asked him how he was feeling. 'I'm OK, but I didn't like the four-letter words the doctor used in surgery,' he answered. 'What did he say?' asked the nurse. The patient replied: 'Oops.'
"Shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least 10 years and 20 pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice. 'What do you think?' I asked, 'should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?' 'Better get a bikini,' he replied. 'You'd never get it all in one.' He is still in intensive care."
Annals of consumerism Perhaps responding to our recent plea for some "clean" submissions to Desert Diary, Fred in the Garage sent along this:
"Dear Tide detergent:
"I am writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it all of my married life, as my Mom always told me it was the best. Now that I am in my fifties I find it even better! In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to belittle me about how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck. One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with his blood on my new white blouse! I grabbed my bottle of Tide with bleach alternative, and to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out! In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative, and then my attorney called and said that I was no longer considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband.
"What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect! I thank you, once again, for having a great product.
"Well, gotta go, have to write to the Hefty bag people."
Send us your stories, clean or otherwise! Email diary@desertexposure.com
Pondering the imponderables These thoughts worth, well, thinking about were submitted for your inspection by The Silver City Greek:
"It 's not whether you win or lose, but how you place the blame.
"You are not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
"We have enough youth. How about a fountain of 'smart'?
"The original point-and-click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
"A fool and his money can throw one heck of a party.
"When blondes have more fun, do they know it?
"Five days a week my body is a temple. The other two it's an amusement park.
"Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.
"If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
"We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
"Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
"The latest survey shows that three out of four people make up 75% of the population."