Beans and Cornbread D e s e r t E x p o s u r e
October 2009
Cheatin?, Skydivin? and Punnin?
Plus marital tech support and aging gracefully.
Your cheatin' heart. . . Pioneering new ground in Diary-land, The Silver City Greek sends along a whole series of jokes on a single theme — infidelity. We don't know why this theme was on the Greek's mind, and don't want to know. We just know they all made us chuckle:
"A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 p.m. The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt. He put on his shoes and drove home. 'Where have you been?' his wife demanded. 'I can't lie to you,' he replied, 'I'm having an affair with my secretary. We made love all afternoon.' She looked down at his shoes and said, 'You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!'
"A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen. He told his wife: 'There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?' The wife smiled sweetly and replied: 'Not this time!'
"A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. 'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.' She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder. 'Don't move until I tell you,' she said. 'Pretend you're a statue.' 'What's this?' the husband inquired as he entered the room. 'Oh it's a statue,' she replied. 'The Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too.' No more was said, not even when they went to bed. Around 2 a.m. the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer. 'Here,' he said to the statue, 'have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing.'
"A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer. 'Certainly, sir, that'll be one cent.' 'One cent?' the man exclaimed. He glanced at the menu and asked, 'How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?' 'A nickel,' the barman replied. 'A nickel?' exclaimed the man. 'Where's the guy who owns this place?' The bartender replied, 'Upstairs, with my wife.' The man asked, 'What's he doing upstairs with your wife?' The bartender replied, 'The same thing I'm doing to his business down here.'
"Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside. He looked up and said weakly, 'I have something I must confess.' 'There's no need to,' his wife replied. 'No,' he insisted, 'I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend and your mother!' 'I know,' she replied. 'Now just rest and let the poison work.'"
What color is your blonde parachute? . . . It wouldn't be Desert Diary without a blonde joke — but of course readers may feel free to substitute the hair hue of their choice in this entry by Fred in the Garage:
"A blonde is watching the news with her husband when the newscaster says, 'Two Brazilian men die in a skydiving accident.'
"The blonde starts crying to her husband, sobbing, 'That's horrible! So many men dying that way!'
"Confused, he says, 'Yes dear, it is sad, but they were skydiving, and there is always that risk involved.'
"After a few minutes, the blonde, still sobbing, asks, 'How many is a Brazilian?'"
Can you spell S.O.S.?. . . Just to prove that dimwittedness knows no boundaries, we share this funny from Cardmama in the Burros — no blondes involved!
"Standing at quarters one morning whilst stationed aboard the USS Adroit, Lieutenant Montgomery was doing the muster.
"'JACKSON?'
"'Here!'
"'KIBBEY?'
"'Yo.'
"'STEPHENS?'
"'Present, sir.'
"'SEEBACK?'
"Nothing.
"'SEEBACK?!'
"Still nothing.
"'DAMMIT, SEEBACK!'
"The division Chief whispered into the Lieutenant's ear, 'Sir, turn the paper over.'"
Capital pun-ishment. . . Don't say we didn't warn you! Blame the Iron Oxide Kid for this groaner:
"Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was still manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 cases of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Veracruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York. For reasons of historical interest, the popularity of mayonnaise in Mexico at this time was phenomenal. This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico. But, as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York. The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost.
"The people of Mexico, who were fond of mayonnaise and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great that they declared a national day of mourning, which they still observe to this day.
"This national day of mourning occurs each year on May 5 and is known, of course, as Sinko de Mayo."
Or we could pun instead with a French accent, for which Margie must take full responsibility for forwarding this:
"A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre. After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings and made it safely to his van. However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas.
"When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied: 'Monsieur, that is the reason I stole the paintings. I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."
To which Margie adds, "See if you have de Gaulle to send this on to someone else. I sent it to you because I figured I had nothing Toulouse."
You're only as old as you feel. . . This tale of love among the ruins, so to speak, comes courtesy of Ned Ludd:
"After the exam the doctor said to the elderly man, 'You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?'
"'In fact, I do,' said the old man. 'After I have made love to my wife the first time, I am usually cold and chilly, and then, after I make love to her the second time, I am usually hot and sweaty.'
"After examining the man's elderly wife, the doctor said, 'Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?'
"The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.
"The doctor then said to her, 'Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually cold and chilly after making love to you the first time, and then hot and sweaty after the second time. Do you know why?'
"'Oh, that crazy old coot!' she replied. 'That's because the first time is usually in January and the second time is in August.':
Paging Nurse Ratched. . . Speaking of things medical, Toni in the Vet's Office passes along this rant:
"So I go to the doctor for my yearly physical. The nurse starts with certain basics. 'How much do you weigh?' she asks. '135,' I say. The nurse puts me on the scale. It turns out my weight is 180.
"The nurse asks, 'Your height?' '5-foot-4,' I say. The nurse checks and sees that I only measure 5-foot-2.'
"She then takes my blood pressure and tells me it is very high.
"'Of course it's high!' I scream. 'When I came in here I was tall and slender! Now I'm short and fat!'"
Abort, retry, fail. . . Continuing what seems to be a theme of what
we sometimes label "the battle of the sexes" this month, we boot
up this bit from Old Grumps:
"A desperate woman writes to the technical-support guy —
"Dear Tech Support,"Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and I noticed a distinct slowdown in the overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.
"In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as NEWS 5.0, MONEY 3.0 and GOLF 4.1. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.
"Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do?
"Signed, Desperate Woman
"Tech support replies —
"Dear Desperate Woman,"First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.
"Please enter command ithoughtyoulovedme and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0. If that application works as designed, Husband1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.
"However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.
"Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-Law 1.0 under any circumstances (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources).
"In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.
"In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.
"You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend: Cooking 3.0 and Hot Looks 7.7.
"Good luck!"
You're not getting older, you're. . . wait, I forget. . . And, resuming the topic of aging, gracefully or otherwise, there's this tale from CharlesC:
"Two elderly women were out driving in a large car; both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, 'I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light.'
"After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red, but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through.
"So she turned to the other woman and said, 'Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!'
"Mildred turned to her and said, 'Oh, crap, am I driving?'"
Send your favorite jokes, anecdotes, puns and tall tales to Desert Diary, PO
Box 191, Silver City, NM 88062, fax 534-4134, email diary@desertexposure.com The
best submission each month gets a brand-new Desert Exposure mouse pad,
scientifically proven to take the strain out of emailing jokes to Desert Diary.
Postcards from the edge. . . While we're always delighted at the photos readers send of themselves from near and far, holding a copy of "the biggest little paper in the Southwest," this one particularly caught our eye for its timeliness and thoroughness of Desert Exposure-ization. Cissy McAndrew sent the photo with this caption: "Linda Warnack-Boucher (L), Cissy McAndrew (R) and the Desert Exposure (C) pose with the Solheim Cup during the 2009 International Golf Tournament at Rich Harvest Farms in Sugar Grove, Ill. (Note: Cissy is wearing a Desert Exposure golf shirt.)"
This one, too, grabbed us. You might say that if we can make it there, we can make it anywhere! Thanks to Athene (aka Catherine Schumacher), who writes: "I took my copy of Desert Exposure on our recent trip to the East Coast — including New York City — so that I could bring back this photo. Silver City meets Times Square!"
Whether you're headed to the big match or the Big Apple, take along a copy
of Desert Exposure and get a photo of yourself with it "on location." Send
to Desert Diary, PO Box 191, Silver City, NM 88062 or email diary@desertexposure.com