Beans and Cornbread D e s e r t E x p o s u r e
October 2009
Negative Relationship Spirals
Page: 2
At this point, many people just leave or run for the divorce lawyer. Some are unable to leave, however, because of having young children or lacking adequate income. A few others feel the need to stay to continue to make their partner suffer, to get retribution or revenge for the past.
There are many different styles that this enemy phase can take. Some people become psychological enemies, trying to undermine their partner's well-being and reputation. Some people become material enemies, stealing or using legal manipulation to deprive their partners of money or property. Some manipulate or hurt their children to get at each other. Some become violent enemies.
Negative spirals don't just hurt couples. When couples do battle, their children, families and friends often suffer from the distress they cause each other and frequently get pulled in to take sides. The constant stress and trauma at home affects everyone whose lives they touch.
Negative interpretations and reciprocity are also causing a deterioration of our civil life. Blame, seeing the worst in each other, overreacting, struggling for power and mistrust are all around us — in schools, in stores, in businesses and in politics at all levels.
Do relationships matter? Do we as a culture want so many relationships to end? Sometimes we do — the partners have grown in different directions and have little to offer each other, or one partner has chosen a negative direction and the other wants freedom from that path.
But aren't we losing something important when the majority of the relationships in our culture are unhappy or breaking up? Perhaps our culture's fascination with the individual has weakened the focus and skills we put into relationships. Perhaps caring really means, "I love you to the extent you meet my needs." Perhaps relationships don't matter enough to us to change.
We can only change how we individually behave in our relationships with others and try to reel in our negative relationship projections. If you read this article and think that you may have fallen into some of these hurtful traps, then congratulations — you have a chance to try something different!
Being able to stop negative interpreting and responding is not easy, though, especially when you have a lot of history with a person. You have to put aside all your fears and memories of hurts to be able to hold back your negative defenses, and that requires a deep level of faith in each other. If you find that faith, and can agree to terms for a ceasefire, then you might be able to open your hearts to each other again.
Dr. Joanie Connors is a counseling psychologist who teaches at Western New Mexico University in Silver City. She specializes in relationship systems psychology. See her website at www.joanieconnors.com