D e s e r t E x p o s u r e
September 2009
Happy Aging, Econ 101 and the Hawaiian Good Luck Sign
Plus pondering the imponderables and offending the easily offended.
Annals of medicine. . . As you'll see, this opening yarn could easily have fit under one of our other, most popular topics — but we didn't want to spoil Old Grumps' punch line:
"A doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa: 'The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High-fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?'
"After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, 'Wedding cake.'"
Kids say the darnedest things. . . The overly sensitive will want to skip this one, sent our way by Toni in the Vet's Office — but they'll be missing a chuckle:
"Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter. The man at the counter asked the older boy, 'Son, how old are you?'
"'Eight,' the boy replied.
"The man continued, 'Do you know what these are used for?'
"The boy replied, 'Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do either.'"
Pondering the imponderables. . . We happily resurrect our "deep thoughts" category for this splash in the shallow end, passed along by Ramblin' Guy:
"A day without sunshine is like night.
"On the other hand, you have different fingers.
"42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
"99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
"Remember, half the people you know are below average.
"He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
"Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
"The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.
"Support bacteria. They're the only culture most people have.
"A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
"Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
"If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
"How many of you believe in psychokinesis? Raise my hand.
"OK, so what's the speed of dark?
"When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
"Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
"How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
"Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
"What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?
"Why do psychics have to ask you your name?
"Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, 'What the heck happened?'
"Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
"Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow."
Share your deep thoughts, shallow puns, all-wet anecdotes and splashiest jokes with diary@desertexposure.com Snail-mailers may write PO Box 191, Silver City, NM 88062. Remember, the best submissions each month are rewarded with a Desert Exposure mouse pad, not sold in any store!
Persons of the blonde persuasion. . . As always, feel free to impugn redheads or brunettes instead in this funny from Cardmama in the Burros:
"My boyfriend and I were lunching at a sidewalk cafe in Huntington Beach, Calif. Our waitress looked like a real surfer girl: athletic with a great tan and blonde hair. Mulling over the menu, my guy asked her if the roast beef was rare.
"The waitress gave us a long blank look, and then replied, 'Well, no. We have it, like, just about every day.'"
Losing the battle of the sexes. . . We share this submission from Ned Ludd with no comment, except to point out that Ned is, after all, a GUY:
"Summer Classes for Women at the Adult Learning Center
"Note: Due to the complexity and difficulty level of their contents, class sizes will be limited to eight participants maximum."Class 1: Up in Winter, Down in Summer-How to Adjust a Thermostat. Step by step, with slide presentation.
"Class 2: Which Takes More Energy — Putting the Toilet Seat Down, or Bitching About It for 3 Hours? Round table discussion.
"Class 3: Is It Possible To Drive Past a Wal-Mart Without Stopping? — Group debate.
"Class 4: Fundamental Differences Between a Purse and a Suitcase — Pictures and explanatory graphics.
"Class 5: Curling Irons — Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Bathroom Cabinet? Examples on video.
"Class 6: How to Ask Questions During Commercials and Be Quiet During the Program — Help-line support and support groups.
"Class 7: Can a Bath Be Taken Without 14 Different Kinds of Soaps and Shampoos? Open forum.
"Class 8: Health Watch — They Make Medicine for PMS — USE IT!
"Class 9: I Was Wrong and He Was Right! — Real-life testimonials.
"Class 10: How to Parallel Park in Less Than 20 Minutes Without an Insurance Claim — Driving simulations.
"Class 11: Learning to Live — How to Apply Brakes Without Throwing Passengers Through the Windshield."
Ladies? You know the address: diary@desertexposure.com
You're only as old as you feel. . . "Sometimes it hurts to get older," observes Bill in the Mimbres, while forwarding this yarn that — once again, sorry, folks — is not for the easily offended:
"An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, moved to Grant County from the Midwest. Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.
"Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, 'Notice anything different about me?'
"Margaret looked him over. 'Nope.'
"Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots. Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, 'Notice anything different NOW?'
"Margaret looked up and said, 'Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow!'
"Furious, Bert yelled, 'AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?'
"'Nope', she replied.
"'IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!'
"Without changing her expression, Margaret replied, 'Shoulda bought a hat, Bert. Shoulda bought a hat.'"