D e s e r t E x p o s u r e
September 2009
The Parenting Gap
Page: 2
(When children don't get what they need, they make the parent right and themselves
wrong: "If I were a better child, my mom would love me more. . . ." "If
I were a better child, my dad wouldn't drink so much. . . ." They depend
on their parents, and if something is wobbly with the parents the children
are in big trouble, so they prefer to blame themselves. This isn't a conscious
process, but even when parents are awful to their children, the children blame
themselves deep down.)
Now that Chuck has helped Johnny know he isn't responsible for his father's behavior, he's going to go one step further. He's going to tell Johnny he understands that his problems put an extra burden on Johnny. Again, he isn't going to feel guilty or blubber about it, because then Johnny would have to parent him. He's going to state the facts: When he doesn't measure up to what Johnny needs in a Father, Johnny has to figure out on his own how to find what he needs. Or adapt to doing without it. In either case, Johnny has extra responsibility and hard emotional work to do because Chuck isn't providing, or can't provide, what Johnny needs and deserves. Chuck can appreciate the fact that Johnny has had to carry that extra burden, and thank him.
"I know I'm not always such a great dad," Chuck can say. "I love you, and I want to do right by you, but I have a lot of junk in my head that preoccupies me. I'm not as patient or attentive as I should be. I drink too much. I appreciate your sometimes going without what you need from your Father. That's a big gift. I'll try to do better, but I know it won't be perfect, so thank you."
Johnny is amazed and relieved. His dad understands how hard things have been for him! Johnny is not the reason he and his dad have problems, and his dad recognizes and appreciates Johnny's sacrifice on behalf of their relationship: When Chuck feels rotten or behaves badly, Johnny is alone. He has no Father.
Chuck has now acknowledged the effect of his energy on his son. It's the difference between, "Go away! Can't you tell I've got a headache?" (which is all about Chuck) and, "I'm feeling lousy, kid. I really appreciate your taking it easy on the noise" (which includes the reality of Johnny's experience and feelings). Or the difference between, "I'm miserable; I'm going to the bar," and, "I have to figure out a better way to deal, because every time I get lost in my misery I abandon my son. My misery is not his fault. He shouldn't have to pay for it."
You can never be the ideal parent your child needs. It's just not possible. So let go of that dream and be straight with your child. You'll try, you'll do your best to meet their needs in all directions, and you won't always be successful. Their needs are valid. You want to know what they need; you'll tell them when you can't provide it; you'll look around for other ways or people to meet their needs; you'll work hard to be a better parent; and you'll be grateful for their adaptation to your limitations.
That's fair (if you really mean it), and they will know it.
Bina Breitner, MA, is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in private practice at 808 W. 8th St. in Silver City. She can be reached at 538-4380.