D e s e r t E x p o s u r e
July 2009
Oldsters Run Wild, Medical Miracles and Classroom Cut-Ups
Plus lessons in life from pet spas, dead buffalo and hockey.
You're only as old as you feel. . . We only hope we have as much, er, spit and vinegar when we reach retirement as the couple in this yarn sent our way by The Silver City Greek:
"Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went into town and went into a shop. We were only in there for about five minutes. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.
"We went up to him and said, 'Come on, man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?'
"He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires.
"So my wife called him a turd. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
"Personally, we didn't care. We came into town by bus. We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age."
Losing the battle of the sexes. . . Don't blame us for the results if you attempt this "experiment" suggested by Ramblin' Man:
"How to determine a real friend. This really works! If you don't believe it, just try this experiment.
"Put your dog and your spouse in the trunk of the car for an hour.
"When you open the trunk, which one is really happy to see you?"
Our pets, ourselves. . . Speaking of pets, Bev at the Pet Spa weighs in with these "Top 10 reasons why it costs more to get your pet groomed than your own hair":
"10.Your hair dresser doesn't have to wash and clean YOUR rear end.
"9. You don't go eight weeks without washing or brushing your hair.
"8.Your hairdresser doesn't give you a sanitary trim.
"7. Your hairdresser doesn't have to clean and pluck your ears.
"6.Your hairdresser doesn't have to clean up your eye goobers.
"5.You sit still for your hairdresser.
"4.Your haircut doesn't include a manicure or pedicure.
"3.Your hairdresser only washes and cuts the hair on your head.
"2.You don't bite or scratch your hairdresser.
"And finally. . .
"1. The likelihood of you crapping on your hairdresser is pretty slim."
Pondering the imponderables. . . Here's something to think about. This "little-known fact" came our way courtesy of Kelmac:
"The first testicular 'cup' was used in hockey in 1874 — and the first hockey helmet was used in 1974.
"It took 100 years for men to realize that the brain is also important."
Send your little-known facts, anecdotes, favorite funnies and painful puns
to Desert Diary, PO Box 191, Silver City, NM 88062, fax 534-4134, email diary@desertexposure.com Remember, the best submission each month gets a spankin'-new Desert Exposure mouse pad!
Annals of medicine, I. . . A bit unusual for Diary — but welcome — this anecdote from Silver City Sally comes as a sort of followup to our recent photo of Dr. Twana Sparks' clinic crew on a cruise (holding Desert Exposure, naturally):
"Today I had yet another hysterically funny adventure when I went for my check-up with Dr. Twana Sparks, an excellent eye, ear, nose and throat specialist in Silver City whom I've always admired because she takes all her staff on vacation once every five years to some foreign country — all expenses paid.
"She asked me if I thought the allergy shots were helping. When I replied yes, she then checked my ears and reported that there appeared to be 'something' in my right ear and told me to wait across the hall in 'The Removal Room.'
"I thought that was a weird name for a room but went in and sat for a few minutes, then wandered over to one wall where funny-looking colored squares with primitive writing on them were tacked up to about seven large square pegboards. On each little square of paper there was a number and a name, an age, a comment in quotes, and some peculiar object glued to the paper. One, for example, was a full-sized bee, another a pen point, another three small stones, a coin, a button, sticks, pickles, candy, spiders, jewelry. . . oh, there must have been about a hundred or more intriguing objects, both small and large, displayed there.
"Then it dawned on me that, of course, this room was appropriately named 'The Removal Room' because it was where Sparks removed odd objects from her patients' ears and noses. Her patients' comments on their 'donations' were hysterical: 'I think a fairy put it there.' 'Who did that? I didn't!' 'I'm going home now.' 'My cat did that.' 'Is it still good to eat?' 'No way — must have been born like that.' 'Hey, I remember that marble!'
"Sparks said she had heard my laughter down the hall and then, using a huge lens, proceeded to look into my ear, told me it would hurt for a bit, then removed an object which, until she cleaned it, I wasn't able to identify. Yet there it was: the plastic sticker that covered my hearing-aid battery and which, apparently, I hadn't fully removed before inserting it. Yet another laugh and when Sparks asked my permission to donate the 'unusual' object to her collection, of course I agreed.
"She told me about one elderly patient who'd had a large button in his nose that had remained there for 20 or more years before it was removed. And then there was a 'very dignified lady' who said her nose was quite stuffy but denied ever having inserted anything into it. When Sparks removed a huge piece of onion, the lady finally remembered that when she was crying while peeling an onion some weeks before, she had wiped her nose with her arm.
"Something new and funny every day in Silver City — a doctor's office like a Ripley's 'Believe It or Not' museum!"
Persons of the blonde persuasion. . . Being a faithful Diary reader, Bill in the Mimbres knew to suggest that other readers feel free to substitute the hair hue of their choice in his yarn:
"A blonde finds herself in serious trouble. Her business has gone bust and she's in dire financial straits. She's desperate, so she decides to ask God for help.
"She begins to pray: 'God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lottery.'
"Lottery night comes, and somebody else wins. She again prays: 'God, please let me win the lottery! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well.'
"Lottery night comes and she still has no luck. Once again, she prays: 'My God, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask You for help, and I've always been a good servant to You. PLEASE let me win the lottery just this one time so I can get my life back in order.'
"Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open. The blonde is overwhelmed by the Voice of God, Himself:
"'Sweetheart, work with Me on this,' God says. 'Buy a ticket.'"
Annals of medicine, II. . . For a completely different take on modern
medicine, here's CharlesC:
"Those of us who spend much time in a doctor's office should appreciate this! Doesn't it seem more and more that some physicians are running their practices like an assembly line?
"Here's what happened to Bubba: He walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Bubba said: 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.
"Fifteen minutes later, a nurse's aide came out and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his height, weight and a complete medical history and told Bubba to wait in the examining room.
"A half-hour later a nurse came in and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, 'Shingles.' So the nurse gave Bubba a blood test, a blood pressure test and an electrocardiogram, and told Bubba to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.
"An hour later the doctor came in and found Bubba sitting patiently in the nude and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, 'Shingles.' The doctor asked, 'Where?'
"Bubba said, 'Outside on the truck. Where do you want me to unload 'em?'"
Kids say the darnedest things. . . All the way from Arizona, frequent correspondent Robert H returns with these classroom tales:
"Teacher: 'Maria, go to the map and find North America.' Maria: 'Here it is.' Teacher: 'Correct. Now class, who discovered America?' Class: 'Maria!'
"Teacher: 'John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?' John: 'You told me to do it without using tables.'
"Teacher: 'Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?' Donald: 'H I J K L M N O.' Teacher: 'What are you talking about?' Donald: 'Yesterday you said it's H to O.'
"Teacher: 'Glen, why do you always get so dirty?' Glen: 'Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.'
"Teacher: 'Millie, give me a sentence starting with "I."' Millie: '"I is. . ."' Teacher: 'No, Millie. Always say, "I am.''' Millie: 'All right. "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.''"
"Teacher: 'George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?' Louie: 'Because George still had the axe in his hand.'
"Teacher: 'Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?' Simon: 'No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.'
"Teacher: 'Clyde, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?' Clyde: 'No, sir. It's the same dog.'
"Teacher: 'Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?' Harold: 'A teacher.'"
"A little old lady is walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags rips, and every once in a while a $20 bill falls out onto the sidewalk.
"Noticing this, a policeman stops her and says, 'Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of your bag.'
"'Oh, really? Darn!' said the little old lady. 'I'd better go back, and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me.'
"'Well, now, not so fast,' says the cop. 'How did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?'
"'Oh, no,' replies the little old lady. 'You see, my back yard is right next to the football-stadium parking lot. On game days, a lot of fans come and pee through the fence into my flower garden. So, I stand behind the fence with my hedge clippers. Each time some guy sticks his thing through the fence, I say, "$20 or off it comes."'
"'Well, that seems only fair,' laughs the cop. 'OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?'
"'Well, you know,' the little old lady says, 'not everybody pays.'"
"An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand, pulling a male buffalo with the other. He says to the waiter: 'Want coffee.'
"The waiter says, 'Sure, coming right up.' He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee.
"The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere, and then just walks out.
"The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand, pulling another male buffalo with the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter: 'Want coffee.'
"The waiter says, 'Whoa! We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What was all that about, anyway?'
"The Indian smiles and proudly says, "I'm training for a position in United States Congress. Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for others to clean up, disappear for the rest of the day.'"
Send your favorite jokes, anecdotes, puns and tall tales to Desert Diary,
PO Box 191, Silver City, NM 88062, fax 534-4134, email diary@desertexposure.com The
best submission each month gets a brand-new Desert Exposure mouse
pad, scientifically proven to take the strain out of emailing jokes to Desert
Diary.
Postcards from the edge. . . We happily continue catching up with photos folks have sent from hither and yon of themselves posing with their favorite publication. (Ahem, and that would be. . .? Good answer!) First comes Carol Kane of Silver City, who writes:
"This photo of my husband, Tim, comes from Millaa Millaa Falls in the Atherton Tablelands of Tropical North Queensland, Australia. Estuarine crocs are common here so we opted against a swim! The Tablelands are a sparsely populated area of great natural beauty, renowned for its dairy farms and coffee and tea plantations. We took a 30-day, self-guided tour of Australia, which included Sydney, Uluru (Ayers Rock), the northern beaches of Cairns, snorkeling on the Great Barrier Reef, a drive down the southern coast of New South Wales, and ending with a stop in Canberra, in the Australian Capital Territory. It was a fabulous trip!"
No less exotic, the second shot was taken by MaryKay Brady of Deming resident Jerry Owens: "This picture was taken in Cartagena, Columbia. Jerry had recently sailed through the Panama Canal via Holland America's MS Statendam."
Whether you're headed hither or only yon, take a photo of yourself holding "the
biggest little paper in the Southwest" and send it to PO Box 191, Silver
City, NM 88062, email diary@desertexposure.com