D e s e r t E x p o s u r e
July 2009
Choosing Happiness
Five traits of happy people, and 10 ways to try joining them.
By Joanie Connors
Is happiness a gift we have from our birth or is it something that we can choose? Those who are struggling with negative thinking often ask me if there's really any choice in being happy, and the answer I have to give is both yes and no.
For decades, researchers have been trying to figure out whether happiness
comes from nature or nurture, and their evidence now says it is 50-50. Happiness
appears to come half from what we're born with (genes and prenatal influences)
and half from what happens afterwards, what we do — and much of that
happens through our choices!
What happiness is not: True happiness is not just feeling good, because emotions are mostly transitory experiences that come and go. Think of the strongest pleasures, feelings of accomplishment, or the warmth of intimacy — how many of these good feelings last for more than a few minutes? Anyway, short-term pleasures alone tend to lead to hunger for more pleasure, more food, more stuff, more accomplishments and more "highs."
Money by itself does not bring happiness. While we need enough money for our needs and it is a challenge to be happy when we lack enough resources to be safe, warm and adequately fed, rich people are no happier than the lower-middle class. Materialists are less happy than non-materialists, probably because they constantly desire more of the endless array of gadgets and stuff out there, and are more envious of the stuff other people have.
Happiness is not youth, beauty or a particular marital state. Research finds young people are less happy than older people, and older people have more serenity or inner happiness. Beautiful people are no more happy than anyone else, perhaps because they feel their popularity depends on how they look. Married people are no more happy than single ones, though this depends on quality of the relationship.
Lastly, there is a big misunderstanding that happiness is a static trait, that we either have it or don't have it, and that those who have it, have it forever. Thousands of life stories are recorded that swing from happiness to misery, or from misery to happiness, up and down many times throughout life.
Happiness is not something we can control. Even those who report long-term inner happiness still suffer disappointments and have to cope with many losses as they grow older. The difference is that those with inner happiness get over disappointments more quickly and see the losses of age in context, so they are less likely to take them personally.
What is happiness? Happiness is an inner process, an attitude, and a way of living life and relating to those around us. A new wave of psychological researchers, such as those at the Positive Psychology Center (www.ppc.sas.upenn.edu) have found that happiness can be deeper and more long-lasting when it involves both doing things that feel good and having an inner sense that life is good. The traits they have found to be the most effective in bringing people to happiness include the following:
1. The most substantial happiness seems to come from doing good work. This can be either through helping someone else or through doing what we do well, using our skills in a way that is meaningful, or both.
2. Another source of happiness is strong interpersonal skills. Happy folks trust people, like people and think they are basically good.
3. Happy people are often described as kind. They have empathy for the feelings of others, and believe in the golden rule — do unto others. . .
4. Perhaps because of these skills, happy people have good networks of supportive relationships. Research has also shown that happiness is infectious within friendship and family networks, and one truly happy person affects everyone around him or her, making them more happy.
5. Happy people are optimists who interpret their experiences positively. They see the beauty in their surroundings and the good lessons that can be learned from a stressful time. They are more likely to be grateful for what they have and less likely to envy others for their possessions.
This last quality, optimism, is not without its downside. People who are optimists are not always good judges of the quality of their own work, and — as we might guess — the lower their competence, the more they are unlikely to see their limitations. Think of the dreadful singers and dancers often drawn attention to on reality shows!
The answer is to have conscious optimism, so that we become educated about the issues and still maintain a positive attitude. It's better to have positive expectations about one's own health, but that must be accompanied by healthy eating and exercise. Or, go into that job interview with positive expectations, but do research to make sure you really have the skills and experience employers are looking for.
Happiness exercises: Happiness researchers have been doing hundreds of studies to figure out what helps to make people happier in their lives. These scientists are discovering that it is possible to teach people skills that help them become happier. Here are some of the practices they have found to significantly improve people's moods for at least three months:
1. Count your blessings. Keep a gratitude journal or regularly make lists of the things in your life you are grateful for.
2. Be helpful. Do something every day or every week to help others. Practice kindness in numerous small ways.
3. Increase the spiritual meaning in your life by committing to regular spiritual practices or study with a group. Spiritual deepening can also be done alone, but has less effect, perhaps because of the power of social connections.
4. Practice savoring. Every day, pick something you usually rush through and do it slowly and mindfully. Pay attention to the beauty around you as you walk, or allow yourself to revel in the tastes and textures of your breakfast.
5. Build your optimism. Work to discover your negative thinking responses and replace them with positive responses. One way to do this would be at the end of the day to write down three to five things that went well, or better than they could have gone.
6. Identify and use your strengths. Take an inventory of your skills and strengths, perhaps using one of the tests at www.authentichappiness.com, and then plan your days so that you use at least one strength in a new or creative way.
7. Develop a friendship. Pick an acquaintance whom you would like to get to know better and invest time in developing a friendship with him or her.
8. Let go. Write an imaginary letter (not meant to be sent) to someone forgiving them for hurting you. Even if you forgive them only 10% and never say anything to them, this is useful for unburdening yourself.
9. Challenge your negative filters. Journal about a past wrong that you suffered and see if you can challenge your negative thought filtering about the event or people involved and find positive outcomes or aspects.
10. Get outside. Go for a walk or work in your garden. The combination of movement to spike your endorphins and fresh air should improve your mood. If you run into people and can make yourself greet them and exchange pleasantries, that will add the second benefit of building your social networks.
Too positive or too negative? If you are worried about becoming so positive that others perceive you as a smiling zombie, that is not the point and it is not likely. Superficial optimists, such as those mentioned above who are overly impressed with their own inadequate skills, are usually that way from early childhood.
One flaw in the human psyche is that we tend to give more value and power to negative perceptions and messages than to positive ones. Listen to the news on any day and you will see that negative news dominates — not because there is more of it, but because marketers have found it improves ratings. But the widening spread of fear and mistrust that negative news brings has not made us safer, and has only increased paranoia and gun sales.
Twenty-plus years of marital research has found that negative messages do a great deal of damage to trust in relationships. Couples with an equal ratio of positive to negative communications do not stay together, and positive interactions need to increase to five or more times the negative ones for couples to find contented longevity. Research into work relationships find that a three-positive to one-negative ratio is needed for a productive work environment.
Another important matter to consider is what we give attention to in our lives. There are always stresses and problems that demand our attention, but how much of our life energy should be devoted to them? Maybe we need to take time to savor the goodness in our lives and the people around us.
Big-picture thinking is the point. The optimum perspective is one that includes a broad awareness of many perspectives — positive, negative and in-between — as well as a view of the whole. The holistic perspective has been much neglected by our current habits of self-analysis, but it is the only view that allows us to strive towards balance, which is essential for finding our way to healing.
Broad thinking involves balancing together the risks and benefits of all the major factors in our lives — our needs, limits, relationships, strengths and the demands of the environment. The coping used by many resilient survivors who are able to heal from poverty and extreme trauma appear to fit this strategy; they value many forms of learning and education, seek both the positive meaning of their difficulties and to understand their overall complexity, and reach out to add positive relationships and resources to balance their lives.
Broad and balanced awareness is not unconcerned with all the details of what might go wrong, but it doesn't get lost in that fear, either. As a society, perhaps we have been too fixated on negative analyses and paranoia about who is doing wrong, while substituting temporary pleasures and stimulation for real happiness. Maybe our blind consumerism is a sign that it isn't working and it is time to focus more on what makes us good.