D e s e r t E x p o s u r e
July 2009
Choosing Happiness
Page: 2Too positive or too negative? If you are worried about becoming so positive that others perceive you as a smiling zombie, that is not the point and it is not likely. Superficial optimists, such as those mentioned above who are overly impressed with their own inadequate skills, are usually that way from early childhood.
One flaw in the human psyche is that we tend to give more value and power to negative perceptions and messages than to positive ones. Listen to the news on any day and you will see that negative news dominates — not because there is more of it, but because marketers have found it improves ratings. But the widening spread of fear and mistrust that negative news brings has not made us safer, and has only increased paranoia and gun sales.
Twenty-plus years of marital research has found that negative messages do a great deal of damage to trust in relationships. Couples with an equal ratio of positive to negative communications do not stay together, and positive interactions need to increase to five or more times the negative ones for couples to find contented longevity. Research into work relationships find that a three-positive to one-negative ratio is needed for a productive work environment.
Another important matter to consider is what we give attention to in our lives. There are always stresses and problems that demand our attention, but how much of our life energy should be devoted to them? Maybe we need to take time to savor the goodness in our lives and the people around us.
Big-picture thinking is the point. The optimum perspective is one that includes a broad awareness of many perspectives — positive, negative and in-between — as well as a view of the whole. The holistic perspective has been much neglected by our current habits of self-analysis, but it is the only view that allows us to strive towards balance, which is essential for finding our way to healing.
Broad thinking involves balancing together the risks and benefits of all the major factors in our lives — our needs, limits, relationships, strengths and the demands of the environment. The coping used by many resilient survivors who are able to heal from poverty and extreme trauma appear to fit this strategy; they value many forms of learning and education, seek both the positive meaning of their difficulties and to understand their overall complexity, and reach out to add positive relationships and resources to balance their lives.
Broad and balanced awareness is not unconcerned with all the details of what might go wrong, but it doesn't get lost in that fear, either. As a society, perhaps we have been too fixated on negative analyses and paranoia about who is doing wrong, while substituting temporary pleasures and stimulation for real happiness. Maybe our blind consumerism is a sign that it isn't working and it is time to focus more on what makes us good.