D e s e r t E x p o s u r e
June
2009
Ostriches, Unhappy Campers and Italian Firefighters
Plus: Around the world with Desert Exposure!
The joke's on us. . . This one, from Old Grumps, takes awhile to get there — but the journey is worth it:
"A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders. The man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a Coke,' and turns to the ostrich, 'What's yours?'
"'I'll have the same,' says the ostrich.
"A short time later the waitress returns with the order: 'That will be $9.40, please.' The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
"The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a Coke.' The ostrich says, 'I'll have the same.' Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
"This becomes routine until one evening the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.
"'No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man. 'Same,' says the ostrich.
"Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.' Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table. The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer: 'Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?'
"'Well,' says the man, 'several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'
"'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!'
"'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls-Royce, the exact money is always there,' says the man.
"The waitress asks, 'What's with the ostrich?'
"The man sighs, pauses and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall chick with a big butt and long legs who agrees with everything I say.' "
Capital pun-ishment. . . New correspondent Bill of Cedar Hill returns with this pithy punning:
"And then there was the man who hated waterfowl. Yep, no tern remained unstoned."
You're only as old as you feel. . . We happily welcome new correspondent LynnF, who writes, "Having just returned from a camping trip in the Chiricahuas, I've been moved to send in some thoughts for those over 60 who might be thinking about doing the same:
"1. Sleeping in a tent is no longer 'half the fun.'
"2. You will lose your glasses/keys/etc. every hour on average.
"3. You will find you have forgotten to bring your toothbrush/aspirin/flashlight/etc.
"4. Getting out of your sleeping bag in the middle of a freezing night — you know why — isn't an adventure to be relished.
"5. Historical sites aren't all that interesting because you've already lived through them. And if you didn't, your parents or grandparents did and you know all about it.
"6. Remember the $60 camp coffee maker you made fun of in the store? As if 'any sane person would spend that much on such a gadget?' As you drink your instant coffee, you will wish you'd bought it.
"7. Privations build more ill-temper than character. Plus, you already have plenty of character.
"8. All the hikers out on the trails are young enough to be your grandchildren, and will inquire if you're 'out here by yourself?' They look behind you as if they expect to see four strong men bearing a gurney.
"9. Shin splints and slipped discs may occur. See #3 above.
"10. After three days of washing yourself with baby-wipes, you will smell as if your sleeping bag is lined with cow patties and old catfish. Not to mention your appearance, which will greatly resemble the old codger (or codgeress as in my case) that you really are.
"11. The campers in your immediate area will be: a. Very fond of loud music and drinking beer into the wee hours. b. The parents of three children under age six who, from their hysterical behavior, have obviously never been allowed outside in their entire lives. c. The owners of a small dog named Tiffy — 'she's very friendly' — who will yip 24/7 and attempt to sever your Achilles tendon. 'Oh Tiffy, naughty, naughty girl.' Note: There are interesting people who camp, but they are re-reading War and Peace or writing a travel book and will have nothing to do with you.
"12. Items necessary to camp with a modicum of comfort will increase 10-fold every year past 50."
No, no, your other brain!. . . This "guy story" comes courtesy of GeeRichard:
"I'm pacing nervously in the expectant father's waiting room in the hospital obstetrics ward. A gent sitting there tells me to relax. 'Everything will be fine,' he says. 'This is my eighth time in here.'
"I calm down a bit and then realize he might answer a question I've had on my mind these last few days. I ask, 'Tell me, how soon after the baby's born can I, uhhhh, make love to my wife?'
"He replies, 'That all depends, is she in a single room?'"
Isn't science wonderful? . . . Feeling a little guilty, having recently broken down and bought a Kindle "e-book" reader, we're hoping to atone by sharing this submission from Jess Hossinaround in Arenas Valley:
"FABULOUS NEW TECHNOLOGY!
"Announcing the new Built-in Orderly Organized Knowledge Device, otherwise known as the BOOK. It's a revolutionary breakthrough in technology: no wires, no circuits, no batteries, nothing to be connected or switched on.
"It's so easy to use even a child can operate it. Just lift the cover. Compact and portable, it can be used anywhere — even sitting in an armchair by the fire — yet it is powerful enough to hold as much information as a CD-ROM disk.
"Here's how it works: Each BOOK is constructed of sequentially numbered sheets of paper (recyclable), each capable of holding thousands of bits of information. These pages are locked together with a custom-fit device called a binding, which keeps the sheets in their correct sequence. By using both sides of each sheet, manufacturers are able to cut costs in half!
"Each sheet is scanned optically, registering information directly to your brain. A flick of the finger takes you to the next sheet. The BOOK may be taken up at any time and used merely by opening it. The 'browse' feature allows you to move instantly to any sheet, and move forward or backward as you wish. Most come with an 'index' feature, which pinpoints the exact location of any selected material for instant retrieval.
"An optional 'BOOKmark' accessory allows you to open the BOOK to the exact place you left it in a previous session — even if the BOOK has been closed! BOOKmarks fit universal design standards; thus a single BOOKmark can be used in BOOKs of various manufacturers.
"Portable, durable and affordable, the BOOK is the entertainment wave of the future, and many new titles are expected soon, due to the surge in popularity of its programming tool, the Portable Erasable-Nib Cryptic Intercommunication Language Stylus, or PENCILS. Look for these items in a store near you."