D e s e r t E x p o s u r e
April
2009
Robbers, Drunks and Idiots
Plus the power of Scripture and the meaning of "savoir faire."
Persons of the blonde persuasion. . . In honor of April Fool's Day, we begin with this yarn from JackB, adding our standard cautionary note about tresses-based stereotyping and invitation to substitute the hair hue of your choice:
"A car gets a flat on the interstate one day. The blonde driver eases it over onto the shoulder of the road, carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk. She takes out two cardboard men, unfolds them and stands them at the rear of the vehicle facing oncoming traffic. The lifelike cardboard men are in trench coats, exposing their nude bodies and private parts to approaching drivers.
"Not surprisingly, the traffic becomes snarled and backed up. It isn't very long before a police car arrives. The officer, clearly enraged, approaches the blonde of the disabled vehicle, yelling, 'What's going on here?'
"'My car broke down, officer,' says the woman calmly.
"'Well, what the heck are these obscene cardboard pictures doing here by the road?' he asks.
"'Helllooooooo!!!!' says the blonde. 'Those are my emergency flashers!'"
The pluck of the Irish. . . We're not sure why the characters in this tale, sent along by Toni in the Vet's Office, need to be Irish, but we share it as we got it in belated celebration of St. Patrick's Day:
"An armed hooded robber bursts into the Bank of Ireland and forces the tellers to load a sack full of cash. As the robber is on his way out the door with the loot, one brave Irish customer grabs the hood and pulls it off, revealing the robber's face. The robber shoots the guy in the head without hesitation! He then looks around the bank to see if anyone else has seen him.
"One of the tellers is looking straight at him, and the robber walks over and calmly shoots him in the head also.
"Everyone by now is very scared and looking down at the floor. 'Did anyone else see my face?' calls the robber.
"There is a moment's silence, then one elderly Irish gent, looking down, tentatively raises his hand and says, 'I think me wife may have caught a glimpse. . .'"
The joke's on us. . . As former Midwesterners, we do know why the characters in this yarn emailed by SteveL simply have to be Scandinavian. And, being Swedish, we're pretty sure they must be Norwegians:
"Sven and Ole are walking down a street in Madison, Wisc., when they see a sign on a store that reads, 'Suits $5 each, shirts $2 each, trousers $2.50 per pair.'
"Sven says to his pal, 'Looky here! Ve could buy a whole gob of dese, take 'em back to Dulut', sell 'em to our friends, and make a fortune. Now, ven ve go in dere, you be quiet, okay? Yust let me do da talkin', 'cause if dey hear your accent, dey might tink we're ignorant, and try to cheat us. Now, I'll try not to sound like ve're from Minnie-sota.'
"They go in and Sven says with his best Wisconsin accent, 'I'll take 50 of them suits at $5 each, 100 of them there shirts at $2 each, and 50 pairs of them there trousers at $2.50 each. I'll back up my pickup and. . .'
"The owner of the shop interrupts, 'You're from Minnesota, ain't you?'
"'Well, yeah,' says a surprised Sven. 'How'd you know dat?'
"'Because this is a dry-cleaners.'"
You're only as old as you feel. . . We welcome new correspondent Judge Hazard A. Guess, who sends in this sad story:
"An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living in a nursing home. One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed. Nurse Tracy asked him if there was anything wrong,
"'Yes, Nurse Tracy,' said Mr. Wallace. 'My Private Part died today, and I am very sad.'
"Knowing her patients were a little forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, 'Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Wallace. Please accept my condolences.'
"The following day, Mr. Wallace was walking down the hall with his Private Part hanging out of his pajamas. He met Nurse Tracy. 'Mr. Wallace,' she said, 'You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that. Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas.'
"'But, Nurse Tracy, I can't,' replied Mr. Wallace. 'I told you yesterday that my Private Part died.'
"'Yes,' said Nurse Tracy, 'you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?'
"'Well,' he replied, 'today is the viewing.'"
Join the fun and send in your own favorite joke, punny fun or anecdote to Desert Diary, PO Box 191, Silver City, NM 88062, fax 534-4134 or email diary@desertexposure.com.
Annals of inebriation. . . We can always count on Old Grumps for a monthly chuckle, and this month is no exception:
"A drunken cowboy laid sprawled across three seats in the posh Amarillo Theater. When the usher noticed this, he whispered to the cowboy, 'Sir, you're only allowed one seat in the theater.'
"The cowboy just groaned — and didn't move.
"The usher became impatient: 'Sir, if you don't get up from there, I'm going to have to call the manager.' Once again, the cowboy just groaned.
"The usher marched briskly back up the aisle and returned with the manager. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the cowboy, with no success. Finally they summoned a policeman, who surveyed the situation and then asked, 'All right, cowboy, what's your name?'
"'Fred', the cowboy groaned.
"'Where ya from, Fred?' asked the policeman.
"With terrible pain in his voice and without moving a muscle, Fred replied, 'The balcony.'"
The Good Book. . . Faithful correspondent Bob in the Mortuary reverently writes with this inspirational story:
"A woman had just returned to her home from an evening of church services, when she was startled by an intruder. She caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled, 'Stop! Acts 2:38!' ('Repent and be baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ, so that your sins may be forgiven.') The burglar stopped in his tracks.
"The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done. As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar, 'Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you.'
"'Scripture?' replied the burglar. 'She said she had an ax and two .38s!'"
Stupid is as stupid does. . . These (purportedly) true tales of the idiots that walk among us were submitted by the very smart Jess Hossinaround in Arenas Valley:
"Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: 'Free to good home. You want it, you take it.' For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided that people were too un-trusting of this deal.
"It looked too good to be true, so he changed the sign to read: 'Fridge for sale $50.'
"The next day someone stole it!"
"One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when someone shouted, 'Look at that dead bird!' Someone looked up at the sky and said, 'Where?'"
"While looking at a house, my brother asked the real-estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, 'Does the sun rise in the north?' When my brother explained that the sun rises in the east, and has for some time, she shook her head and said, 'Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff.'"