D e s e r t E x p o s u r e
March
2009
Special Battle of the Sexes Slugfest!
Plus more puns, cosmic questions and
why you should never kiss a mirror.
Losing the battle of the sexes. . .With spring about to, well, spring, a young man's fancy turns to thoughts of love. As for older men's fancy, we look to this yarn from JackB:
"A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart. The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart. 'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.
"'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,' he replies.
"'Put them back, we can't afford them,' demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.
"A few aisles farther on, the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket. 'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.
"'It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.
"Her husband retorts, 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price!'
"On the PA system: 'Cleanup needed on aisle 25. We have a husband down!'"
Then there's this volley in the gender wars, fired off by Ned Ludd:
"The Geography of a Woman:"Between ages 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa, half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally beautiful!
"Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe, well developed and open to trade, especially for someone with cash.
"Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain, very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.
"Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece, gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.
"Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain, with a glorious and all-conquering past.
"Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel, has been through war and doesn't make the same mistakes twice; she takes care of business.
"Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada, self-preserving, but open to meeting new people.
"After 70, she becomes Tibet, wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages; only those with an adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge visit there.
"The Geography of a Man:
"Between ages 1 and 70, a man is like Iran, ruled by nuts."
And finally, to complete what you might call our three-part disharmony, we bring you this brief tale of a married couple from SteveL:
"Bernie was invited to his friend's home for dinner. Morris, the host, preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her 'Honey,' 'My Love,' 'Darling,' 'Sweetheart,' 'Pumpkin,' etc.
"Bernie looked at Morris and remarked, 'That is really nice, that after all these years that you have been married, you keep calling your wife those pet names.'
"Morris hung his head and whispered, 'To tell the truth, I forgot her name three years ago!'"
Share your own tales from the front lines of the gender wars! Mail to Desert
Diary, PO Box 191, Silver City, NM 88062, fax 534-4134 or email diary@desertexposure.com Remember, the best submission each month earns one of our new Desert Exposure mouse pads!
Reading matters. . . Then there's this short funny from JM RealOne, who sends it along as the "Scottish joke of the year":
"A bloke walks into a Glasgow library and says to the prim librarian, 'Excuse me Miss, dey ye hiv any books on suicide?'
"To which the librarian stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top of her glasses and says, 'Sod off! Ye'll na be bringing it back!'"
For the birds. . . Our ever-popular pet category returns, but this time with a story about a feathered, not furry friend, courtesy of Old Grumps:
"John received a parrot as an early Christmas gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.
"John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.
"Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back.
"John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. John, in desperation, threw up his hands, grabbed the bird and shoved him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.
"Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.
"Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said, 'I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior.'
"John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in its behavior, the bird continued:
"'May I inquire as to what the turkey did?'"
Corporal pun-ishment. . . If you survived last month's onslaught of groaners from Jess Hossinaround in Arenas Valley, brace yourself. Here she goes again:
"A thief broke into the local police station and carefully stole all the toilets and urinals, leaving no clues whatever. A spokesperson was quoted as saying, 'We have absolutely nothing to go on.'
"An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk rawhide and gave it to the chief, telling him to bite off, chew and swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief shrugged and said, 'The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on.'
"A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official, who apologized profusely, saying, 'I must have taken Leif off my census.'
"There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin, one slept on an elk skin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant, and the first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This goes to prove that the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.
"A skeptical anthropologist was cataloging South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal brujo who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the brujo looked him in the eye and said, 'Let me tell you, with fronds like these, who needs enemas?'"
Strike back! Send your own worst puns (or other jokes, yarns and anecdotes)
to Desert Diary, PO Box 191, Silver City, NM 88062, fax 534-4134 or email diary@desertexposure.com Remember, the best submission each month earns one of our new Desert Exposure mouse pads!
Annals of education. . . We hear a second time from the eagerly emailing Old Grumps, this time with a tale from inside the blackboard jungle:
"According to a news report, a private school in Washington was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror, leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back.
"Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian, who had to clean the mirrors every night. (You can just imagine the yawns from the little princesses.) To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, the principal asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.
"He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
"There are teachers. . . and then there are educators."