D e s e r t E x p o s u r e
February
2009
Fooling Farm Animals, Refiguring Hotel Bills
and
Taking a Long Lunch
Plus what makes New Mexico friends special and how quickly we forget.
Psychology 101. . . As this yarn from SteveL demonstrates, a positive attitude can go a long way:
"An out-of-towner accidentally drove his car into a deep ditch on the side of a country road. Luckily, a farmer happened by with his big old horse named Benny. The man asked for help. The farmer said Benny could pull his car out. So he backed Benny up and hitched Benny to the man's car bumper.
"Then he yelled, 'Pull, Nellie, pull!' Benny didn't move.
"Then he yelled, 'Come on, pull Ranger!' Still, Benny didn't move.
"Then he yelled really loud, 'Now pull, Fred, pull hard!' Benny just stood.
"Then the farmer nonchalantly said, 'Okay, Benny, pull.'
"Benny pulled the car out of the ditch.
"The out-of-towner was very appreciative but curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.
"The farmer said, 'Oh, Benny is blind, and if he thought he was the only one pulling he wouldn't even try.'"
It's a dog's life. . . Continuing a sort of animal-kingdom theme, we share this, er, cautionary tale courtesy of Old Grumps:
"A guy had just got settled into his window seat on the plane when another man sat in the aisle seat and put his black Labrador in the middle seat next to the man. The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why the dog was allowed on the plane. The second man explained that he was a DEA agent and the dog was a 'sniffing dog.' He went on, 'His name is Sniffer and he is the best there is. I'll show you when we are airborne; I'll put him to work!'
"The plane took off and when it achieved level flight the agent said, 'Watch this.' He told Sniffer, 'Search!'
"Sniffer jumped down, walked up and down the aisle, and finally sat very purposefully by the side of a woman for a few seconds. Sniffer returned to his seat and put one paw on the agent's arm. The agent said, 'Good boy!' and then said to the man, 'That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I shall take a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.' 'Say, that's pretty neat,' said the first man.
"Once again the agent told Sniffer to search. The dog sniffed about and sat down by another passenger for awhile, returned to his seat and put two paws on the agent's arm. The agent said, 'That man is carrying cocaine, so again I shall take his seat number and he will be apprehended when we land.' 'I like it,' said his seat mate.
"The agent again sent Sniffer to search. Sniffer walked around the aisle a few times, sat down for a while and then came bounding back to the agent, jumped into his seat and proceeded to poop everywhere.
"The agent's seat-mate was really grossed out over the dog's behavior and could not figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave in this way, so he asked the agent, 'What the heck is he doing? What's going on?'
"The agent nervously replied, 'He's just found a bomb.'"
Got your own animal tale? Send it — or your favorite joke, heartwarming anecdote or other diary fodder — to
Desert Diary, PO Box 191, Silver City, NM 88062, fax 534-4134, or email diary@desertexposure.com You
might be rewarded with one of our new Desert Exposure mouse pads! (No, not
the rodent kind — we carry this animal theme only so far.)
"Friends: Never ask for food. New Mexican friends: Are the reason you have food.
"Friends: Will say 'hello.' New Mexican friends: Will give you a big hug and a kiss.
"Friends: Call your parents 'Mr.' and 'Mrs.' New Mexican friends: Call your parents 'mom' and 'dad.'
"Friends: Have never seen you cry. New Mexican friends: Cry with you.
"Friends: Will eat at your dinner table and leave. New Mexican friends: Will spend hours there, talking, laughing and just being together — and then take a plate to go.
"Friends: Borrow your stuff for a few days, then give it back. New Mexican friends: Keep your stuff so long they forget it's yours.
"Friends: Know a few things about you. New Mexican friends: Could write a book with direct quotes from you.
"Friends: Will leave you behind if that's what the crowd is doing. New Mexican Friends: Will kick the whole crowds' ass that left you.
"Friends: Would knock on your door. New Mexican friends: Walk right in and say, 'Hey, I'm here!'
"Friends: Are for a while. New Mexican friends: Are for life.
Annals of commerce. . . We're with Fred in the Garage on this one:
"A new supermarket near my house has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain. When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and witness the scent of fresh hay. When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying. The veggie department features the smell of fresh buttered corn.
"I don't buy toilet paper there any more."
Corporal pun-ishment. . . Don't say we didn't warn you about these groaners, sent our way from Jess Hossinaround in Arenas Valley:"A husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston. After almost 24 hours on the road, they're too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they plan to sleep for only four hours and then get back on the road. When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350.
"The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk that although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350. When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the manager.
"The manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use. 'But we didn't use them,' the man complains. 'Well, they are here, and you could have,' explains the manager.
"He goes on to explain they could also have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. 'The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here,' the manager says. 'But we didn't go to any of those shows,' complains the man again. 'Well, we have them, and you could have,' the manager replies.
"No matter what facility the manager mentions, the man replies, 'But we didn't use it!' The manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the manager. The manager is surprised when he looks at the check. 'But sir,' he says, 'this check is made out for only $50.'
"'That's correct,' says the man. 'I charged you $300 for sleeping with my wife.'
"'But I didn't!' exclaims the manager.
"'Well, too bad,' the man replies. 'She was here and you could have.'"
"King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates, the most valuable diamond in the ancient world. Desperate, he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan. Croesus said, 'I'll give you 100,000 dinars for it.' 'But I paid a million dinars,' the king protested. 'Don't you know who I am? I am the king!' Croesus replied, 'When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are.'
"Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. However, all the Swiss league records were unfortunately destroyed in a fire, and thus we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.
"A man rushed into a busy doctor's office and shouted, 'Doctor! Help me! I think I'm shrinking!' The doctor calmly responded, 'Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient.'
"A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One day, his supply of the birds ran out so he had to go out and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them. Immediately, he was arrested and charged with transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.
"Back in the 1800s, the Tates Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to produce other products and, since they already made the cases for watches, they used them to produce compasses. The new compasses were, however, so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California. This, of course, is the origin of the expression, 'He who has a Tates is lost!'"
Postcards from the edge. . . Time to play catch-up again in our sharing of photos submitted by readers traveling near and far, posing with their favorite publication. (That would be, ahem, the one you're holding or viewing online right now.)
Above is a photo submitted by Allen Rosenberg, who writes, "This is a picture of Ruth Coleman at Acadia National Park at Bar Harbor, Maine, on a recent sibling get-together. Ruth lives in Columbus, NM, and is a faithful reader of your monthly Exposure."
And below is a photo by Dean Evert, who writes: "My wife and I were in China on a tour. We took a copy of Desert Exposure with us and took digital pictures of us holding the paper at Three Gorges Dam and in Lhasa, Tibet (shown). Construction seemed to be occurring in every area we visited. Often slums were adjacent to the new construction. We saw several wind farms in the middle and western parts of China. China is certainly a part of the global market. We saw Budweiser beer signs and KFC, DQ and McDonald's restaurants, among others. Air pollution, in many areas, was worse than anything we've ever seen in Silver City."
Whether heading halfway around the world or to Hackensack, take "the biggest little paper in the Southwest" along and send home a photo of yourself holding Desert Exposure. Mail to Desert Diary, PO Box 191, Silver City, NM 88062 or email diary@desertexposure.com
Lunch is on me. . . Sure beats having a sandwich, we thought as we read this yarn from Geerichard:"When I was foreman of a small housing development, one of the carpenters asked, 'I'd like to take a long lunch break today. My wife is going to have a baby.'
"I said, 'Bob, this is important for you both. Take the whole day off.'
"'Thanks,' Bob replied, 'but I have that kitchen to finish today. All I need is a longer lunch.'
"At noon, Bob reminded me that he was leaving on that long lunch. 'Take the rest of the day off,' I offered. Bob said thanks but he'd be back.
"Along about 2:30, Bob came by to tell me he was back.
"'So,' I asked, 'How is your wife doing?'
"'Oh, she's fine,' he said.
"'Well, don't keep us in suspense, Bob. Was it a boy or a girl?' I asked.
"'Ah, we won't know for about nine months now,' he said."
Let us pray. . . Pulling double duty this month, Old Grumps also contributes this tale from the pews:You're only as old as you feel. . . Finally, we were going to say that this submission from Toni in the Vet's Office sounds all too familiar — but then we forgot:"One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex, standing in the foyer of the church, staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names, with small American flags mounted on either side of it. The seven-year-old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, 'Good morning, Alex.'
"'Good morning, pastor. What is this?' the boy asked.
"The pastor said, 'Well, son, it's a memorial plaque to all the young men and women who died in the Service.'
"Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque. Finally, little Alex, his voice barely audible and trembling with fear, asked, 'Which service, the 8:30 or the 10:45?'"
"Recently, I was diagnosed with AAADD — Age-Activated Attention Deficit Disorder. This is how it manifests:
"I decide to water my garden. As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide it needs washing. As I start toward the garage, I notice mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mailbox earlier. I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.
"I place my car keys on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table, and notice that the can is full. So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first. But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.
"I take my checkbook off the table, and see that there is only one check left. My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk, where I find the can of Pepsi I'd been drinking. I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Pepsi aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over. The Pepsi is getting warm, and I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.
"As I head toward the kitchen with the Pepsi, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye — they need water. I put the Pepsi on the counter and discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning. I decide I's better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.
"I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table. I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I'll be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table. So I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.
"I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor. So, I set the remote back on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill. Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.
"At the end of the day: the car isn't washed; the bills aren't paid; there is a warm can of Pepsi sitting on the counter; the flowers don't have enough water; there is still only one check in my checkbook; I can't find the remote; I can't find my glasses; and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.
"Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day, and I'm really tired. I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e–mail. . ."
Don't forget to send your favorite jokes, puns and ponderings to: Desert Diary, PO Box 191, Silver City, NM 88062, fax 534-4134, email diary@desertexposure.com Remember, the best submission each month gets a brand-new Desert Exposure mouse pad, scientifically proven to take the strain out of emailing jokes to Desert Diary.
