D e s e r t E x p o s u r e
February
2009
Desert Diary
Page: 2
Corporal pun-ishment. . . Don't say we didn't warn you about these
groaners, sent our way from Jess Hossinaround in Arenas Valley:
"King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates, the most valuable diamond in the ancient world. Desperate, he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan. Croesus said, 'I'll give you 100,000 dinars for it.' 'But I paid a million dinars,' the king protested. 'Don't you know who I am? I am the king!' Croesus replied, 'When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are.'
"Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. However, all the Swiss league records were unfortunately destroyed in a fire, and thus we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.
"A man rushed into a busy doctor's office and shouted, 'Doctor! Help me! I think I'm shrinking!' The doctor calmly responded, 'Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient.'
"A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One day, his supply of the birds ran out so he had to go out and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them. Immediately, he was arrested and charged with transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.
"Back in the 1800s, the Tates Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to produce other products and, since they already made the cases for watches, they used them to produce compasses. The new compasses were, however, so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California. This, of course, is the origin of the expression, 'He who has a Tates is lost!'"
Postcards from the edge. . . Time to play catch-up again in our sharing of photos submitted by readers traveling near and far, posing with their favorite publication. (That would be, ahem, the one you're holding or viewing online right now.)
Above is a photo submitted by Allen Rosenberg, who writes, "This is a picture of Ruth Coleman at Acadia National Park at Bar Harbor, Maine, on a recent sibling get-together. Ruth lives in Columbus, NM, and is a faithful reader of your monthly Exposure."
And below is a photo by Dean Evert, who writes: "My wife and I were in China on a tour. We took a copy of Desert Exposure with us and took digital pictures of us holding the paper at Three Gorges Dam and in Lhasa, Tibet (shown). Construction seemed to be occurring in every area we visited. Often slums were adjacent to the new construction. We saw several wind farms in the middle and western parts of China. China is certainly a part of the global market. We saw Budweiser beer signs and KFC, DQ and McDonald's restaurants, among others. Air pollution, in many areas, was worse than anything we've ever seen in Silver City."
Whether heading halfway around the world or to Hackensack, take "the biggest little paper in the Southwest" along and send home a photo of yourself holding Desert Exposure. Mail to Desert Diary, PO Box 191, Silver City, NM 88062 or email diary@desertexposure.com
Lunch is on me. . . Sure beats having a sandwich, we thought as we read this yarn from Geerichard:
"When I was foreman of a small housing development, one of the carpenters asked, 'I'd like to take a long lunch break today. My wife is going to have a baby.'
"I said, 'Bob, this is important for you both. Take the whole day off.'
"'Thanks,' Bob replied, 'but I have that kitchen to finish today. All I need is a longer lunch.'
"At noon, Bob reminded me that he was leaving on that long lunch. 'Take the rest of the day off,' I offered. Bob said thanks but he'd be back.
"Along about 2:30, Bob came by to tell me he was back.
"'So,' I asked, 'How is your wife doing?'
"'Oh, she's fine,' he said.
"'Well, don't keep us in suspense, Bob. Was it a boy or a girl?' I asked.
"'Ah, we won't know for about nine months now,' he said."
Let us pray. . . Pulling double duty this month, Old Grumps also contributes this tale from the pews:
"One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex, standing in the foyer of the church, staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names, with small American flags mounted on either side of it. The seven-year-old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, 'Good morning, Alex.'
"'Good morning, pastor. What is this?' the boy asked.
"The pastor said, 'Well, son, it's a memorial plaque to all the young men and women who died in the Service.'
"Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque. Finally, little Alex, his voice barely audible and trembling with fear, asked, 'Which service, the 8:30 or the 10:45?'"
"Recently, I was diagnosed with AAADD — Age-Activated Attention Deficit Disorder. This is how it manifests:
"I decide to water my garden. As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide it needs washing. As I start toward the garage, I notice mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mailbox earlier. I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.
"I place my car keys on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table, and notice that the can is full. So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first. But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.
"I take my checkbook off the table, and see that there is only one check left. My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk, where I find the can of Pepsi I'd been drinking. I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Pepsi aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over. The Pepsi is getting warm, and I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.
"As I head toward the kitchen with the Pepsi, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye — they need water. I put the Pepsi on the counter and discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning. I decide I's better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.
"I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table. I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I'll be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table. So I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.
"I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor. So, I set the remote back on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill. Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.
"At the end of the day: the car isn't washed; the bills aren't paid; there is a warm can of Pepsi sitting on the counter; the flowers don't have enough water; there is still only one check in my checkbook; I can't find the remote; I can't find my glasses; and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.
"Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day, and I'm really tired. I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e–mail. . ."
Don't forget to send your favorite jokes, puns and ponderings to: Desert Diary, PO Box 191, Silver City, NM 88062, fax 534-4134, email diary@desertexposure.com Remember, the best submission each month gets a brand-new Desert Exposure mouse pad, scientifically proven to take the strain out of emailing jokes to Desert Diary.