D e s e r t E x p o s u r e
December
2008
Desert Diary
Page: 2 |
Postcards from the edge. . . We continue catching up with our cornucopia of reader photos of themselves holding "the biggest little paper in the Southwest." (But don't let our current backlog discourage you from sending in your own!) Above, occasional "Body, Mind & Spirit" contributor Joanie Connors sent this picture from a recent trip to Greece: "I took a copy of Desert Exposure and here is the result, taken on a ferry leaving Crete." Below, Marcia Smith and David Furnas show off their excellent taste in reading material on a trip to Costa Rica. Whether you're traveling halfway around the world or on a weekend getaway, take us along on your next trip and send home a snapshot of yourself holding Desert Exposure. Send to Desert Diary, PO Box 191, Silver City, NM 88062, or by email to diary@desertexposure.com |
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When you don't care enough. . . to send the very best, you can send a card like these suggested by Bob in the Mortuary, who writes, "Ever wondered what happens when Hallmark writers are having a bad day?" That's when you get these sentiments:
"Heard your wife left you,
How upset you must be.
But don't fret about it.
She moved in with me."
"Looking back over the years
that we've been together ,
I can't help but wonder. . .
'What the hell was I thinking?'"
"Congratulations on your wedding day!
Too bad no one likes your husband."
"How could two people as beautiful as you,
Have such an ugly baby?"
"Congratulations on your promotion.
Before you go. . .
Would you like to take this knife out of my back?
You'll probably need it again."
"When we were together,
you always said you'd die for me.
Now that we've broken up,
I think it's time you kept your promise."
"I'm so miserable without you,
it's almost like you're here."
"Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.
Did you ever find out who the father was?"
"So your daughter's a hooker,
and it spoiled your day.
Look at the bright side:
it's really good pay."
Persons of the blonde persuasion. . . With our usual invitation to substitute the hair hue of your choice for the unfairly stereotyped blonde herein, we pass along this chuckle from Old Grumps:
"A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs, and one night he's doing a show in a small town in Kentucky. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb-blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting, 'I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work, and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as a person. Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general — and all in the name of humor!'
"The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells, 'You stay out of this mister! I'm talking to that little S.O.B. on your lap!'"
It's a dog's life. . . Appropriately, and in keeping with our on and off animal theme this month, the following not-so-shaggy dog story comes our way courtesy of Toni in the Vet's Office:
"Two women were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman and the other, a Dachshund. As they walked down the street, the one with the Doberman said to her friend, 'Let's go over to that bar for a drink.'
"The lady with the Dachshund said, 'We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us.'
"The one with the Doberman said, 'Just watch, and do as I do.'
"They walked over to the bar and the one with the Doberman put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in. The bouncer at the door said, 'Sorry, lady, no pets allowed.'
"The woman with the Doberman said, 'You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog.'
"The bouncer said, 'A Doberman?'
"The woman said, 'Yes, they're using them now. They're very good.'
"The bouncer said, 'OK, come on in.'
"The lady with the Dachshund thought that convincing the bouncer that a Dachshund was a seeing-eye dog might be a bit more difficult, but thought, 'What the heck,' so she put on her dark glasses and started to walk in. Once again the bouncer said, 'Sorry, lady, no pets allowed.'
"The woman said, 'You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog.'
"The bouncer said, 'A Dachshund?'
"The woman with the Dachshund said, 'A Dachshund? They gave me a freakin' Dachshund?!'"
Pass the lefse, hold the lutefisk. . . Once again, being part Scandinavian ourselves, we pass along the following "yoke" submitted by Ned Ludd with perfect confidence that if anyone's going to be offended, it's us.
"A doctor in Duluth wanted to get off work and go hunting, so he approaches his assistant: 'Ole, I am goin' huntin' tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all my patients.'
"'Yes, sir!' answers Ole.
"The doctor goes hunting and returns the following day and asks, 'So, Ole, how was your day?'
"Ole tells the doctor that he took care of three patients. 'The first one had a headache, so I gave him Tylenol.'
'Excellent, and the second one?' asks the doctor.
'The second one had a burning stomach, so I gave him Maalox, sir,' says Ole.
'Bravo, bravo! You're good at this! And what about the third patient?' asks the doctor.
'Sir, I vas sittin' here and suddenly the door opened and a woman entered. In a flash, she undressed herself, takin' off everything includin' her bra and her panties,' Ole relates. 'She stretched out on the examining table and shouted, "Help me! I haven't seen a man in over two years!"'
"'Yumpin' yiminy, Ole! What did you do?' asks the doctor.
"Ole replies, 'I put drops in her eyes!'"
Send your favorite jokes, puns and ponderings to: Desert Diary, PO Box 191,
Silver City, NM 88062, fax 534-4134, email diary@desertexposure.com Remember,
the best submission each month gets a highly collectible Desert Exposure coffee
mug — while they last!