D e s e r t E x p o s u r e
December
2008
Monkey Marketing, Racehorse Religion and Dog Rules
Plus childhood recaptured, greeting cards rethought and cures reconsidered.
Financial fables. . . As you'll see, this opening salvo that came our way from CharlesC is particularly timely given recent events. Think of it as a parable for our time:
"Once upon a time in a place overrun with monkeys, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each. The villagers, seeing that there were many monkeys, went out to the forest and started catching them.
"The man bought thousands at $10 apiece. As supply started to diminish, the monkeys became harder to catch, so the villagers stopped their effort.
"The man then announced that he would now pay $20 for each one. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again. But soon the supply diminished even further and they were ever harder to catch, so people started going back to their farms and forgot about monkey catching.
"The man increased his price to $25 each. The supply of monkeys became so sparse that it was an effort to even see a monkey, much less catch one.
"The man now announced that he would buy monkeys for $50! But since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on his behalf. While the man was away, the assistant told the villagers, 'Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has bought. I will sell them to you at $35 each, and when the man returns from the city, you can sell them to him for $50 each.'
"The villagers rounded up all their savings and bought all the monkeys. They never saw the man nor his assistant again, and once again there were monkeys everywhere.
"Now you have a better understanding of how the stock market works."
Winning by a knows... With New Mexico adding another horse track, prospective bettors may want to keep in mind this yarn from GeeRichard:
"Mitch loved to sneak away to the race track. One day he was betting on the ponies and nearly losing his shirt, when he noticed a priest who stepped onto the track and blessed the forehead of a horse lining up for the fourth race. Lo and behold, this horse — a very long shot — won the race.
"Mitch was most interested to see what the priest did the next race. Sure enough, he watched the priest step onto the track as the fifth-race horses lined up, and the priest placed his blessing on the forehead of a horse. Although he was not a Catholic, Mitch made a beeline for the window and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though another long shot, the horse the priest had blessed won the race.
"Mitch collected his winnings and eagerly waited to see which horse the priest bestowed his blessing on for the sixth race. The priest showed, blessed a horse, Mitch bet on it, and it won!
"As the day went on, the priest continued blessing horses, and they always came in first. Mitch began to pull in some serious money, and by the last race, he knew his wildest dreams were going to come true.
"He made a quick stop at the ATM, withdrew big money and awaited the priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on. The priest stepped onto the track before the last race and this time blessed not only the forehead, but also the eyes, ears and hooves of one of the horses. Figuring he had a sure thing, Mitch bet every cent, only to watch the horse come in dead last.
"Dumbfounded, Mitch made his way to the track and confronted the priest. 'What happened, Father? All day you blessed horses and they won,' he said. 'The last race, you blessed a horse and he lost. Now I've lost my savings, thanks to you!'
"The priest nodded wisely and said, 'That's the problem with you Protestants. You can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and the Last Rites.'"
Our pets, ourselves. . . Continuing a sort of animal theme this month, we pass along the following from Steve L, who must be a dog owner:
"Dog Rules
- The dog is not allowed in the house.
- Okay, the dog is allowed in the house, but only in certain rooms.
- The dog is allowed in all rooms, but has to stay off the furniture.
- The dog can get on the old furniture only.
- Fine, the dog is allowed on all the furniture, but is not allowed to sleep with the humans on the bed.
- Okay, the dog is allowed on the bed, but only by invitation.
- The dog can sleep on the bed whenever he wants, but not under the covers.
- The dog can sleep under the covers by invitation only
- The dog can sleep under the covers every night.
- Humans must ask permission to sleep under the covers with the dog."
Share your pet rules, pet peeves and favorite jokes with Desert Diary at PO Box 191, Silver City, NM 88062, fax 534-4134 or email diary@desertexposure.com
Losing the battle of the sexes. . . We welcome back Fred in the Garage, who surely got this story from his wife:
"A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife as she looked at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off, he asked what she'd like to have for her birthday.
"'I'd like to be six again,' she replied, still looking in the mirror.
"On the morning of her birthday, the man arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park — the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster. Five hours later, they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside-down.
"He then took his wife to a McDonald's, where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie, with popcorn, a soda pop and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!
"Finally, she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. The man leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well, dear, what was it like being six again?'
"Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. 'I meant my dress size, you dumb ass!'
"The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he's gonna get it wrong."
If wishes were horses. . . Some of our more sensitive readers may decide adult supervision is required for this yarn sent along by Jess Hossinaround in Arenas Valley, but we just couldn't resist:
"A man walks into a bar with a paper bag. He sits down and places the bag on the counter. The bartender walks up and asks what's in the bag. The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about nine inches high, and sets him on the counter. He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a small piano, setting it on the counter as well. He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench, which he places in front of the piano. The little man sits down at the piano, and starts playing a beautiful piece by Mozart.
"'Where on earth did you get that?' says the bartender.
"The man responds by reaching into the paper bag. This time he pulls out a magic lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says, 'Here. Rub it.'
"So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's a gust of smoke and a beautiful blonde genie is standing before him. The genie say, 'I will grant you one wish, just one wish. Each person is only allowed one!'
"The bartender gets really excited. Without hesitating, he says, 'I want a million bucks!'
"A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. It is soon followed by another duck, then another. Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks and they just keep coming, duck after duck after duck! The bartender turns to the man and says, 'Y'know, I think your genie's' a little deaf. I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks.'
"'No kidding!' says the man. 'Do you really think I asked for a nine-inch pianist?'"