D e s e r t E x p o s u r e
November
2008
Reindeer, No Ms!
What if Santa's Workshop had landed in New Mexico instead?
Editor's note: Henry Lightcap spent so much time this past month trying to get off Santa's "naughty" list in time for the holidays that he couldn't get his column written. We therefore present a long-ago favorite from the Lightcap vault that should help get readers in the holiday spirit — and Lightcap in good with Santa.
Probably the most costly economic development bid ever lost by the state of New Mexico happened when Santa Claus located his manufacturing facility at the North Pole. Apparently, a sufficiently pork-filled incentive package couldn't be assembled in time, or the state was running low on tax deferrals, equipment credits and profiteering politicians.
Imagine, however, what Christmas would be like if things had gone otherwise, and the Land of Enchantment had been chosen for Santa's Workshop. Needless to say, had Mr. Kringle opted for our dusty, placid lifestyle, the holidays would be dazzlingly different.
I'm sure Santa's site selection team would've first chosen the pinon-enchilada ambiance of the Santa Fe area, given the boss' name was already on the city. I can just imagine the advance team sitting around the plaza, quaffing Coronas and scarfing up white-chocolate tamales, smacking their lips at what an ideal location they'd found for Santa's workshop. Of course, their dreams were probably crushed like a roasted chestnut when they found out how much the property taxes had been driven up by expatiated Californians, and that the local workforce consisted primarily of out-of-work actors and peyote-chewing artists. Reluctantly, they would have to set down their Coronas and load up the sleigh to continue the search farther south.
The consultants probably would've worked their way down the Rio Grande until they came to Akela. Despondent at first, the site consultants would have been aghast to find no cold Coronas within 30 miles. But they would have found an abundance of cheap land, laughably low property taxes, and good transportation infrastructure for raw materials. Deals would've been inked, Realtors would've gotten fat commissions, and contractors would have had the workshop built in less than 90 days.
The last official census of New Mexico demonstrated a remarkable dearth of indigent elves, so Santa would have had to bring his own crew with him. Elves being incredibly adaptable, however, I feel certain that the wee workers would've found a lot to like about their new digs. Before long, the elves would have ditched their bulky, uncomfortable wool suits and caps for more appropriate attire. Serapes and sombreros would be the order of the day, and it wouldn't have been much longer before the elves adopted a different work ethic. Whether little Suzy's toy boat gets made today or tomorrow, what's the difference? Suzy'll get her boat eventually.
Santa probably would have to alter his business model to accommodate the elves' newfound proclivity for procrastination. Of course, the elves would probably start drinking Bud Light on the tailgates of itty-bitty pickups after work, and would want Santa to pay them in cash. Eventually, they probably would have had their phones disconnected so Santa would stop calling them in, demanding more production in the workshop.
I feel pretty certain that eventually Santa would have come around to his new location. As a high-strung old man, he definitely could've learned to appreciate the slower pace of New Mexico. Following the lead set by his insouciant elves, he ultimately would have started wearing jeans and feed-store caps, and ditched the troublesome reindeer for a fleet of four-wheel ATVs. When the locals told him that "Santa" was a girl's name, and "San," while masculine, was presumptively blasphemous, he would've adopted the nickname "Gordo." As he grew more comfortable with his new lifestyle, he probably would have swapped out his sleigh, which performed like an anchor in the desert sand anyway, for a 1984 GMC pickup with a bent tailgate and a coat-hanger antenna.
This would have eventually led to a lot more rational approach to global toy delivery. It's nuts for an old cat like Claus to try and get so much done on one single night. Instead, following in the local tradition, "Gordo" would deliver the toys sometime next week. This would have given him time to work on his truck and drink beer with the elves, so that they could stand around and talk about all the work their ol' ladies want them to do. Kids all around the world have gotten far too greedy, expecting their loot on one specific night. Wouldn't it be better to spread it all around anyway? It would be more of a surprise that way.
When Santa showed up to deliver the gifts, be it December or March, things would've had to change on the receiving end, too. Acceptable snacks for Gordo would need to be changed to tortillas, empanadas, burritos and Bud Light. Since stockings aren't real big in Gordo's home state of New Mexico, the socks would have to be ditched for either boots or sandals. Kids would no longer leave reindeer food, but instead leave a quart of 30-weight motor oil for Gordo's GMC.
Best of all, the discriminatory practice of dividing people into categories of naughty and nice would have fallen by the wayside if Claus had set up shop in New Mexico. A land with endless shades of gray replacing the traditional black and white, it is often difficult and inconvenient here to designate people into neat little boxes. For example, by strictly judicial standards, it is apparently "illegal" to "shoot" an endangered Mexican wolf. And I'm told that it's "wrong" to "build" without a permit. And it's "bad" to have an "open" beer nestled between your thighs while driving in the forest.
Now, maybe it's just me, but if these are the kinds of things that make one "naughty," I don't wanna be nice, and I think that the first time the elves would have commandeered Gordo's GMC for a late-night drunken jackrabbit shoot, they would be the first to agree. So the pressure of having Santa always watching would have been removed as a behavior-modification tool, which certainly would have been a tremendous weight off my shoulders as a former 12-year old with a BB gun.
I'm sure the North Pole was chosen for its remote location, and the peaceful setting provided by constant snow, but I think Santa would have been better served in our neighborhood. Lower operating costs, temperate weather and an endless supply of good Mexican beer for the nervous, overworked elves would have made Christmas a much more mellow experience for the whole world. Feliz Navidad, indeed.
Henry Lightcap hangs his stocking in Las Cruces.