D e s e r t E x p o s u r e
November
2008
Investment Advice, Old Soldiers and Space Cadets
Plus: Dying to get into Desert Diary.
Brother, can you spare a dime?. . . Given the current economic doldrums, it seems appropriate to start this month's installment with the following financial lesson from new contributor Desert Valkyrie:
"If you had purchased $1,000 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49. With Enron, you would have $16.50 left of the original $1,000. With WorldCom, you would have less than $5 left.
"But if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drunk all the beer, then turned in the cans for the aluminum-recycling refund, you would have $214. Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle.
"This is called the 401-Keg Plan."
And this from Ned Ludd:
"According to inside contacts, the Japanese banking crisis shows no signs of ameliorating. If anything, it's getting worse.
"Following last week's news that Origami Bank had folded, we are hearing that Sumo Bank has gone belly up, and Bonsai Bank plans to cut back some of its branches. Karaoke Bank is up for sale, and it is (you guessed it!) going for a song.
"Meanwhile, shares in Kamikaze Bank have nose-dived, and 500 back-office staff at Karate Bank got the chop. Analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank, and staff there fear they may get a raw deal."
You're only as old as you feel. . . Turning from economic health to physical well-being, there's this missive from Geerichard:
"A friend recently picked a new primary-care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he was told he was doing 'fairly well' for his age. A little concerned about that comment, the friend couldn't resist asking the doctor, 'Do you think I'll live to be 90?'
"The doctor asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?
'''Oh no,' he replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'
"Then the doctor asked, 'Do you eat ribeye steaks and barbecued ribs?'
"The patient said, 'No, my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'
"'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking or bicycling?'
"'No, I don't,' the patient replied.
"'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?'
"'No,' was the reply.
"The doctor looked at the man and asked, 'Then, why do you even care?'"
Salute when you say that. . . Speaking of getting on in years, this anonymous author — passed along by Old Grumps — may be onto something when it comes to national defense:
"I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got the whole thing backwards. Instead of sending 18-year-olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35.
"For starters: Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys think about sex only a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.
"Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier: 'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry.' We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some jerk who desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while.
"An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10 a.m. Old guys always get up early to pee, so what the hell. Besides, like I said, 'I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical SOB.'
"If captured, we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank and serial number would be a real brainteaser.
"Boot camp would be easier for old guys. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at, and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.
"They could lighten up on the obstacle course, however. I've been in combat and didn't see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any push-ups after completing basic training. I can hear the drill sergeant in the 'new army' now: 'Get down and give me — er — one.'
"Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.
"An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start up a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.
"These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way.
"Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see right now is a couple of million pissed-off old farts with attitude and automatic weapons who know that their best years are already behind them."
What color is your parachute?. . . If the army's not for you, maybe outer space is more your style. Consider this parable from new correspondent SteveL:
"NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars. Only one could go, but with one catch — he couldn't return to Earth.
"The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be paid for going. 'One million dollars,' he answered, 'because I want to donate it to MIT.'
"The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the same question. He asked for $2 million. 'I want to give a million to my family,' he explained, 'and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research.'
"The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer's ear, 'Three million dollars.'
"'Why so much more than the others?' the interviewer asked.
"The lawyer replied, 'If you give me $3 million, I'll give you $1 million, I'll keep $1 million, and we'll send the engineer.'"
School daze. . . The squeamish might want to avert their eyes from this morality tale sent our way by JackB. But they'd be missing something very, er, educational:
"First-year students at Texas A&M's vet school were receiving their first anatomy class, with a real dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them, 'In veterinary medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal body.'
"For an example, the professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the anus of the dead cow, withdrew it and stuck it in his mouth. 'Go ahead and do the same thing,' he told his students.
"The students freaked out, hesitating for several minutes. But eventually each took a turn sticking a finger in the anal opening of the dead cow and then sucking on the finger.
"When everyone had finished, the professor looked at the class and told them, 'The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now, learn to pay attention!'"