D e s e r t E x p o s u r e
November
2008
When is a Relationship Worth Saving?
Page: 2The best way to end relationships is with a nonviolent exit, which is one that does not involve blaming, justifying or cajoling the partner to accept the breakup. It is good to explain, but don't expect your partner to accept your explanations. Sometimes when a person is argumentative, all you can do is to just leave.
Ending a relationship can be extremely difficult and complicated, and in many cases outside help will be needed. Those who are emotionally troubled may need the support of friends, family and/or professionals to end harmful relationships. Ending debt-ridden relationships may require advice from a financial counselor or a lawyer. Ending violent relationships necessitates a great deal of help and guidance from a domestic-violence support service (such as Silver City's El Refugio or La Casa in Las Cruces — see "Breaking Free," October).
Gray relationships — when you can't decide: Relationships fall into the gray area when they are neither clearly good nor clearly bad enough to end. People in gray relationships are constantly guessing whether anything can be done to fix their relationships, or whether they are worth trying to fix.
A good example of gray relationships is when one partner is substantially more dysfunctional than the other. In these imbalanced relationships, one partner's needs take priority over the other's needs and the neglected partner finds his or her energy being sucked dry. Sometimes the more functional partner is locked into a caretaking role and accepts or needs this imbalance. Sometimes the dysfunctional partner is actively blocking change, making sure he or she doesn't have to do his or her part.
When the more functional partner is depleted and has given up hope, it can be seen in the person's face. Even when smiling, there is a deep weariness in the eyes. Friends who know this partner will see that weariness, although usually the other partner is blind to it. This is a good time to listen to your friends.
Another category of gray relationships involves those who have survived terrible hurts but are still wounded. Even without abuse, too much hurt and not enough joy can drain the life out of relationships. If this hurt is very old and deep, such as from an early infidelity, then it may be worth one last effort to heal. If the hurt is still ongoing, even if it is minor, it must be challenged before it kills all trust and good feelings.
Then see if love reemerges.
One more kind of gray relationship is one that becomes lifeless after all meaningful communication has ceased. This happens when misunderstandings don't get worked out because partners are not really willing to listen or have fixed judgments about each other. Once the door to listening is closed on one level, the couple tends to fall down a slippery slope of hurt and defensiveness. Then the doors keep closing, one after another, until there's nothing left but being in the same house together.
Some people in these lifeless relationships feel they have to stay together because of children or financial needs, so each must weigh the overall costs and benefits personally. Financial needs are especially limiting to older couples, who have paid off a home together and are looking at basic survival needs for their last years.
No matter how long a relationship has been lifeless, a kind attitude and willingness to listen are enough for a healthy communication flow to again bring light into the gray of your lives together. Don't accept not being heard! Get each other's attention, speak your heart and listen to your partner's pain.
Repairing relationships: Almost any relationship can be healed if both partners are willing to work on it. Sometimes healing can also begin when one partner works very hard on his or her part and is willing to be patient while the other wakes up.
Even when relationships have fallen into uncontrolled cycles of worsening negativity, all it takes is for one partner to come to his or her senses and decide that he or she has enough faith in this thing they have together to start turning things around: "Wait, it's still me. Can't you see? I still believe in you, in us!" or "Let's stop, OK?"
Of course, relationships stay together for love and are healed by love. But love is easy to say and very, very difficult to do. Otherwise it would not disappear so easily and so often when the honeymoon ends.
Love requires incredible patience to stick with your lover and continue to be kind when life sends you problems or when problems and flaws emerge. Love has the faith to believe in your partner's better side during the worst of times, and trusts that you can always learn and grow stronger from working through life's troubles.
Dr. Joanie Connors is a counseling psychologist who specializes in relationship systems psychology and teaches at WNMU. She lives in Silver City.