2008 Writing
D e s e r t E x p o s u r e
September
2008
Age Testing, Drinking Don'ts and Hillbilly Vasectomies
Plus why ChapStick was invented and
a lesson from a model husband.
Why the West was wild. . . For starters, we happily welcome back Major Grandpa, who emails us from his new digs with this yarn:
"An old cowhand came riding into town on a hot, dry, dusty day. The local sheriff watched from his chair in front of the saloon as the cowboy wearily dismounted and tied his horse to the rail a few feet in front of the sheriff. 'Howdy, stranger,' the sheriff said.
"'Howdy, sheriff.' The cowboy then moved slowly to the back of the horse, lifted its tail and placed a big kiss where the sun don't shine. He dropped the horse's tail, stepped up on the walk, and aimed towards the swinging doors of the saloon.
"'Hold on there, Mister,' said the sheriff. 'Did I just see what I think I saw?'
"'Reckon you did, sheriff. I got me some powerful chapped lips.'
"'And does that cure them?' the sheriff asked.
"'Nope, but it keeps me from lickin' 'em.'"
Annals of inebriation. . . In passing along this tale from Old Grumps, let us make it perfectly clear that we neither condone drunken driving nor believe that the Irish are any more prone to drinking than any other people. Got that? OK, now pour yourself an Irish whiskey and read on:
"An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over. 'So,' says the cop to the driver, 'where have ya been?'
"'Why, I've been to the pub of course,' slurs the drunk.
"'Well,' says the cop, 'it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening.'
"'I did all right,' the drunk says with a smile.
"'Did you know,' says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, 'that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?'
"'Oh, thank heavens!' sighs the drunk. 'For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf.'"
You're only as old as you feel. . . As you'll see, our "only as old" category proves especially appropriate to this one from Toni in the Vet's Office:
"A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, 'I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?' 'About 32,' is the reply. 'Nope! I'm exactly 50,' the woman says happily.
"A little while later, she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question. The girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29.' The woman replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm 50.'
"Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk her burning question. The clerk responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30.' Again she proudly responds, 'I'm 50, but thank you!'
"While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question. He replies, 'Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young, there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then and only then, can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are.'
"They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her. She finally blurts out, 'What the heck, go ahead.'
"He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other. After a couple of minutes of this, she says, 'Okay, okay. How old am I?'
"He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands and says, 'Madam, you are 50.' Stunned and amazed, the woman says, 'That was incredible! How could you tell?'
"The old man says, 'Promise you won't get mad?'
"'I promise I won't,' she says.
"'I was behind you at McDonald's.'"
Lost in translation. . . This arrived from Mountain Writer, who says, "After reading the funny bit about silly signs in foreign countries in Desert Diary, I recalled a story that proves translations from English to other languages can be a bit tricky, too. I swear this is a true story:
"When I first moved to New Mexico years ago, I was at the dentist office, and the dental hygienist said she was taking conversational Spanish lessons. She was practicing her newly learned Spanish on her Hispanic neighbor as she was barbecuing in the backyard, inviting him over for a hot dog.
"He looked at her in a strange way, then politely explained to her that she had asked him if he wanted a 'little dog in heat.'
"Have you ever tried to laugh really hard with a bunch of dental apparatus in your mouth?"
Share your funny experiences, jokes and life lessons — not to mention
your silly-sign sightings — with
Desert Diary at PO Box 191, Silver City, NM 88062, fax 534-4134, or email diary@desertexposure.com
Losing the battle of the sexes. . . Enlightened men everywhere will welcome this life lesson, forwarded by Bill in the Mimbres:
Bill in the Mimbres also passed along this addendum:"It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.
"My name is John. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Carole. Since I retired several years ago, it has become necessary for Carole to get a full-time job along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work.
"Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club, so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door.
"She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.
"Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.
"When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half-finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.
"I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Carole. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrated women get as they get older.
"However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other."
"NOTE: John died suddenly on March 1 of a perforated rectum. The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra-long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely five inches of grip showing and a sledge hammer lying nearby. His wife Carole was arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman jury took only 15 minutes to find her not guilty, accepting her defense that John somehow, without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club."
Kids do the darnedest things. . . Aren't those little ones cute? Then again, there's this sent along by JackB:
"One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me. I was maybe two and a half years old and had just recovered from an accident. Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a get-well gift.
"Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea,' which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such 'yummy tea,' my mom came home.
"My dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!' My mom waited, and sure enough, here I came down the hall with a cup of 'tea' for Daddy. She watched him drink it up.
"Then she said (as only a mother would know), 'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?'"
Postcards from the edge. . . Still happily catching up with the backlog of reader photos from near and far, we again present two pictures.
The first, from Esperanza Quintero, was shot after a visit to her family in Colombia: "On my way back from the Atlantic coast of Colombia, I stopped in Bogota and had this picture taken. I am the one on the right and on the left is my Colombian girlfriend Silvana Pezzano-De Armas. The photo was taken in front of the Capitolio Nacional in the Plaza de Bolivar.
"We had so much fun having the pictures taken by a local photographer. The people around were looking at us as if we were a little crazy for having our photo taken with a newspaper in front of us."
Crazy? Heck, no more so than Barbara Alpher, who sent the photo below of herself in Helsingborg, Sweden. Being half-Swedish ourselves (the left half, we think), we took particular pleasure in seeing Desert Exposure make the trip all the way to our ancestral homeland.
Going places? Take us with you on your next trip and send home a snapshot of yourself holding "the biggest little paper in the Southwest." Send to Desert Diary, PO Box 191, Silver City, NM 88062, or by email to diary@desertexposure.com
Annals of inebriation, round II. . . With still more scorn for the misuse of intoxicating beverages, we pass along the following from Writer Bill:
"A couple of strangers are drinking at a cliffside bar overlooking the ocean. Both of them look a little drunk. One says to the other, 'Hey, look at the wind whipping up the side of that cliff. It moves pretty fast. I'll bet I could jump off the ledge, catch the wind in my coat, and get lifted right back up to the bar!'
"'No way,' says the other guy. 'You'd fall to your death.'
"'Well, I'm going to try it!' says the first, and at that he walks over, stands on the ledge, and leaps off in a swan dive. Sure enough, he comes sailing back up in no time, and lands on his feet right in front of the bar.
"'I can't believe it!' says the second guy. 'That's impossible.' So the first drunk does it again: He jumps off the cliff, catches the wind in his coat, and comes sailing back to the bar.
"'Go ahead,' he says, 'try it. It's great!'
"'Well, OK, I'm just drunk enough to give it a go,' says the second fellow. So he climbs the ledge and leaps off the cliff, only to fall screaming to his death on the rocks below.
"The first guy walks back to the bar and sits down to his drink.
"The bartender comes over and says to him, 'You know, you can be a real jerk sometimes when you've been drinking, Superman.'"
Stupid is as stupid does. . . We couldn't resist closing with one more from Old Grumps, with apologies to any hillbillies who happen to read this:
"After their 11th child, a hillbilly couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.
"The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. 'A less costly alternative,' said the doctor, 'is to go home, get a cherry bomb, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10.'
"The hillbilly said to the doctor, 'I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me.'
"'Trust me,' said the doctor.
"So the hillbilly went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: '1, 2, 3, 4', 5' — at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs, and continued counting on his other hand.
"The hillbilly couple had no more children after that."
Send your favorite jokes, puns and ponderings to: Desert Diary, PO Box 191, Silver City, NM 88062, fax 534-4134, email diary@desertexposure.com
Remember, the best submission each month gets a highly collectible Desert Exposure coffee mug — while they last!
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