D e s e r t E x p o s u r e
August
2008
Parents, Witch Doctors, Sailors and Little People
Plus celestial queuing, lessons from mom and creative writing in brief.
Oh, heavenly daze. . . We begin on a celestial note this month, with this morality tale courtesy of Fred in the Garage:
"A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies. As they stand at the Pearly Gates waiting to enter Paradise and meet their Maker, God decides to grant each person one wish because of the grief they have experienced.
"They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is. 'I want to be gorgeous,' and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done.
"The second one in line hears this and says 'I want to be gorgeous, too.' Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted.
"This goes on for a while with each one asking to be gorgeous. When God Is halfway down the line, however, the last guy in the line starts laughing.
"When there are only 10 people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing his head off.
"Finally, God reaches this last guy and asks him what his wish will be. The guy eventually calms down and says: 'Make 'em all ugly again.'
"The moral: Next time you're last in line, be happy.'"
Send your favorite jokes, anecdotes, puns and what-not to Desert Diary,
PO Box 191, Silver City, NM 88062, fax 534-4134, or email diary@desertexposure.com
Capital pun-ishment. . . Don't say we didn't warn you about this groaner from Ned Ludd:
"When Mozart passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Mozart was buried.
"Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.
"When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, 'Ah, yes, that's Mozart's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards.'
"He listened a while longer, and said, 'There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling.'
"So the magistrate kept listening: 'There's the Seventh. . . the Sixth. . . the Fifth. . .'
"Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate. He stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, 'My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Mozart decomposing.'"
The sign on the road to the cemetery said "Dead End". . . This twist on our silly signs category comes our way from RobertH, a Silver City native who writes us these days from Fountain Hills, Ariz.:
"When I moved from Santa Teresa, I tried to sell my cemetery plot with this ad — no luck:
"'Are you dying to be buried in Memory Gardens? Retail $4,130, asking $3,000.'"
The world's oldest profession. . . No, not THAT, silly! Before anything else, after all, Adam and Eve were parents. If they'd read this job description sent in by Toni in the Vet's Office, though, the human race might have ended right then and there:
"POSITION: Mom, Mommy, Mama, Ma, Mammy, Dad, Daddy, Dada, Pa, Pop, Daddy-o.
"JOB DESCRIPTION: Long-term, team players needed for challenging permanent work in an often chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24-hour shifts on call. Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in faraway cities. Travel expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties also required.
"RESPONSIBILITIES: The rest of your life. Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily, until someone needs $5. Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly. Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying 'wolf.' Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers. Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects. Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks.
"Must be willing to be indispensable one minute and an embarrassment the next. Must handle assembly and product safety testing of cheap, plastic toys and battery-operated devices. Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst. Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product.
"Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility.
"POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION: None. Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you.
"PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE: None required, unfortunately. On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.
"WAGES AND COMPENSATION: Get this — You pay them! Offering frequent raises and bonuses. A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college will help them become financially independent. When you die, you give them whatever is left.
"The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and only wish you could do more.
"BENEFITS: While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered, this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth, unconditional love, and free hugs and kisses for life if you play your cards right.
"NOTE: There is no retirement — ever."
Share your life lessons with Desert Diary at PO Box 191, Silver City,
NM 88062, fax 534-4134, or email diary@desertexposure.com.
The joke's on us. . . This funny, via Jess Hossinaround in Arenas Valley, would come with a caution for the easily offended — if not for those Viagra commercials every night on the news:
"On my 57th birthday, I got a gift certificate from my wife. The certificate paid for a visit to a witch doctor who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction. After being persuaded, I drove a long way to his place, handed my certificate to the witch doctor, and wondered what I was in for.
"The old man slowly, methodically produced a potion, handed it to me and, with a grip on my shoulder, warned, 'This is powerful medicine and it must be respected. You take only a teaspoonful and then say "1-2-3." When you do that, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life and you can perform as long as you want.'
"I was encouraged. As the witch doctor walked away, I turned and asked, 'How do I stop the medicine from working?'
"'Your wife must say '1-2-3-4 ,' he responded. 'But when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon.'
"I was eager to see if it worked. I went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited my wife to join me in the bedroom. When she came in, I took off my clothes and said, '1-2-3!' Immediately, I was the manliest of men. My wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes.
"But then she asked, 'What was the 1-2-3 for?'
"And that, folks, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition."
Paging Dr. Spock! As an antidote of sorts to our earlier "job description" for parents, we also pass along JackB's "25 Reasons I Owe My Mother":
"1. My mother taught me to appreciate a job well done. 'If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.'
"2. My mother taught me religion. 'You better pray that will come out of the carpet.'
"3. My mother taught me about time travel. 'If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!'
"4. My mother taught me logic. 'Because I said so, that's why.'
"5. My mother taught me more logic. 'If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me.'
"6. My mother taught me foresight. 'Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident.'
"7. My mother taught me irony. 'Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about.'
"8. My mother taught me about the science of osmosis. 'Shut your mouth and eat your supper.'
"9. My mother taught me about contortionism. 'Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!'
"10. My mother taught me about stamina. 'You'll sit there until all that fish is gone.'
"11. My mother taught me about weather. 'This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it!'
"12. My mother taught me about hypocrisy. 'If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!'
"13. My mother taught me the circle of life. 'I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.'
"14. My mother taught me about behavior modification. 'Stop acting like your father!'
"15. My mother taught me about envy. 'There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do.'
"16. My mother taught me about anticipation. 'Just wait until we get home.'
"17. My mother taught me about receiving. 'You are going to get it when you get home!'
"18. My mother taught me medical science. 'If you don't stop making that face, it's going to freeze that way.'
"19. My mother taught me ESP. 'Put your sweater on. Don't you think I know when you are cold?'
"20. My mother taught me humor. 'When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me.'
"21. My mother taught me how to become an adult. 'If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.'
"22. My mother taught me genetics. 'You got that from your father'
"23. My mother taught me about my roots. 'Shut that door behind you. Were you born in a barn?'
"24. My mother taught me wisdom. 'When you get to be my age, you'll understand.'
"25. And finally, my mother taught me about justice. 'One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you.'"
Annals of nomenclature. . . This little lesson in perspective was sent our way by Gee Richard, whose home in a more watery clime enables him to teach basic sailing to individuals:
"Recently I had a couple as students. The wife is a registered nurse, working in a hospital. During a session on knot tying, I taught them how to tie what I know as a surgeon's knot.
"The RN said that, while she was not a surgical nurse, she'd never heard of a surgeon's knot, but would ask.
"Next class, she said she'd asked a surgeon about the knot and he said he'd always known it as a 'sailor's knot.'"
Oil's well that ends well. . . Though the recent runup in gas prices may have made this joke from Old Grumps obsolete, maybe it'll help ease the pain at the pump:
"A gas station owner in Mississippi was trying to increase his sales, so he put up a sign that read, 'Free Sex with Fill-Up.'
"Soon a local redneck pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex. The redneck guessed 8, and the proprietor said, 'You were close. The number was 7. Sorry, no sex this time.'
"A week later, the same redneck, along with a buddy, Bubba, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again asked him to guess the correct number. The redneck guessed 2 this time. The proprietor said, 'Sorry, it was 3. You were close again, but no free sex this time.'
"As they were driving away, the redneck said to his buddy, 'I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex.'
"Bubba replied, 'No it ain't, Billy Ray. It ain't rigged. My wife won twice last week!'"
Annals of law enforcement. . . Don't try using this one, from Fred in the Mortuary, the next time you're pulled over:
"Officer, this is how the fight started. I rear-ended the car in front of me. I admit that. It was my fault. So, we both pull over to the side of the road, and slowly the driver of the car I hit gets out of his car. And you know how you just get so stressed? And life, sometimes life seems like, suddenly funny? Well, the driver of the car I hit is a little person! He gets out of his car and I get out of my car. He is frowning and scowling and he storms over to me. Right up close at me he looks up in my face and says, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!'
"And I don't know what possessed me, officer, but I look down at him and I said, 'Well, if you're not Happy — which one are you?' And that's when the fight started."
Creative writing class. . . This final smile was sent along, appropriately enough, by Writer Bill:
"A college class was told they had to write a short story in as few words as possible. The instructions were that the short story had to contain the following three things: 1. Religion. 2. Sexuality. 3. Mystery
"Here is the only A+ short story in the entire class:
"'Good God, I'm pregnant! I wonder who did it?'"
Send your favorite jokes, puns and ponderings to: Desert Diary, PO Box 191, Silver City, NM 88062, fax 534-4134, email diary@desertexposure.com Remember, the best submission each month gets a highly collectible Desert Exposure coffee mug — while they last!