D e s e r t E x p o s u r e
July
2008
Desert Diary
Page: 2Kids say the darnedest things. . . Ah, the innocence of youth, as captured in this funny from Toni in the Vet's Office:
"Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of Tampax and proceeded to the checkout counter. The man at the counter asked the older boy, 'Son, how old are you?'
"'Eight,' the boy replied.
"The man continued, 'Do you know what these are used for?'
"The boy replied, 'Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. He can't do either one.'"
Innocents abroad. . . As folks whose home state is often mistaken for Mexico, we immediately empathized with this submission from Barb Up North Supposedly, these questions were posted on an Australian tourism Web site and the answers are the actual responses by the Web site officials, who obviously have a great sense of humor:
Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV — how do the plants grow? (UK).
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.
Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney — can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only 3,000 miles, take lots of water.
Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and HerveyBay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?
Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
A: Af-ric-a is the big triangle-shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not. . . Oh, forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
Q: Which direction is north in Australia? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is. . . Oh, forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.
Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-mer-i-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.
Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay night clubs.
Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.
Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R&R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.
Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first."
I can resist anything except temptation. . . Trust us, this one from Technophobe is worth reading all the way to the end:
"I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married.
"There was only one little thing bothering me — her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was 22, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. It had to be deliberate.
"One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.
"Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.
"She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.'
"I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door and headed straight towards my car.
"Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!
"With tears in his eyes, my prospective father-in-law hugged me and said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.'
"And the moral of this story is:
"Always keep your condoms in your car."
Subject to interpretation. . . Finally, we also couldn't resist one more nod to the clergy, this one sent our way by Jess Hossinaround in Arenas Valley:
Send favorite jokes, puns and ponderings to: Desert Diary, PO Box 191, Silver City, NM 88062, fax 534-4134, email diary@desertexposure.com Remember, the best submission each month gets a highly collectible Desert Exposure coffee mug."Reverend Boudreaux was the part-time pastor of the local Cajun Baptist Church, and Pastor Thibodaux was the minister of the Covenant Church across the road. They were both standing by the road, pounding a sign into the ground, that read:
"'Da End is Near! Turn You self Around Now! Before It's Too Late!'
"As a car sped past them, the driver leaned out his window and yelled, 'You religious nuts!'
"From the curve they heard screeching tires and a big splash. Boudreaux turned to Thibodaux and asked, 'Do ya tink maybe da sign should jus' say, 'Bridge Out'?"