D e s e r t E x p o s u r e
May 2008
Overcoming "Us vs. Them"
Five steps to start giving peace a chance in your own life.
By Joanie Connors
Our world seems to be filled with ugly conflicts — fighting between politicians, scandals within families, and endless killing. Such conflicts' destructive consequences affect us all, whether by broken families, dysfunctional institutions, fear of violence or simply public rudeness. And it appears to be getting worse: People seem more likely to resort to screaming at each other, insulting, pushing, suing, threatening, hitting and shooting each other in homes, schools, workplaces, in the streets and internationally. Pushing others around seems to have taken the place of helping your neighbor.
How is it that so many areas of our public and private lives have become so characterized by hostility? How did we come to be a society where it is common for people to abuse and attack each other?
Is conflict the problem? Conflict is really not a bad thing in itself. We don't think alike and we don't all have the same needs, so we must disagree with each other and air our feelings to negotiate life together. But disagreement can be done respectfully, keeping in mind that we matter to each other despite our different viewpoints. Conflict need not mean harming or demeaning those we disagree with.
We would never change our opinions, habits or life directions if we were not able to disagree with each other. We inevitably make mistakes and misbehave, so we need each other to tell us the truth when we do. Even if we were behaving faultlessly, we would still need to be pushed to try different things and see other sides. Respectful conflict makes us confront our limits and become stronger.
Problems come when conflict is motivated to cause harm or to destroy, or to negate someone's presence. Such fighting turns abusive, blind to the damage it causes and ultimately self-destructive because of the ill will and enemies left behind
Blaming: Somehow in this culture we have learned to blame others when our needs aren't met, or even they are but we still want more, like spoiled children. We focus our energy on judging and blaming the other guy instead of developing skills for working out our differences. We rationalize that this person (or group) is unworthy of compassion or consideration.
We learned about abuse issues (physical, sexual, emotional, social) in our society some 25 years ago, but too many of us got lost in the victim role. Rather than move on after learning this new information, we have become a society of blamers, accusing each other of abuse while seldom examining our own behavior. Note the immense popularity of hate radio, exploitive talk shows and humiliating reality shows playing to this theme.
Divisions: Another problem leading to conflict is the overabundance of divisions in our society. We label ourselves by our political groups, religion, race or ethnicity, sexual identity, age and roles (boss, teacher, student. . .). Then, once we decide what groups we belong to, we spend as much time with them as possible and avoid members of other groups (the "out groups") so not to be troubled by their contrary views and ways.
Many of us automatically turn our backs against anyone who comes from a group we don't belong to or understand. The most stubborn group divisions to overcome seem to be based on ancient prejudices of gender, race and age. We find it easy to mistrust and discount others with these "out group" labels, saying in effect, "If you are one of them, you must be wrong." When we decide that some groups are "us" and others are "them," we put a wall between us that makes listening or understanding impossible.
"Us against them" becomes "me against you" when applied to the people we love or work with. We are driven to "defeat" them or to "win." But does anyone win in the long run when others are made to suffer harm, humiliation or loss? Think of times that you've "won" against someone in the past — are you really better off because of it now?
Creating enemies: Such conflicts can lead us to view "them" as enemies, a process that starts with labels that categorize people into what Aaron Beck calls "hostile frames" in his book Prisoners of Hate. Hostile frames are demeaning labels that represent others as only having negative traits and blot out their positive characteristics. That allows us to rationalize cheating, hating, attacking and even killing them because they no longer merit our compassion.
Whether the label is a demeaning way of seeing your ex-spouse or a racist profanity against a group, the process is similar: We see them as less than a human being. Their wants and needs seem threatening. We no longer need to be concerned about hurting them or keeping them from getting their needs met. We can justify aggression — they're the enemy.
One of the saddest things is war within a family, where parent and child, brother and sister, or spouses become enemies. Normal disagreements become power struggles over who gets their way, which become blind rages and determination to obstruct each other's happiness. Few families caught in this destructive cycle see the damage it causes.
The institution of divorce often helps to shape family wars. In divorce, the usual legal response is to push the formerly loving partners to see each other as enemies by making them create lists of wrongdoings and character defects in order to "win" custody or a bigger share of marital property. Families are torn apart by having to choose sides, scarring both parents and children.
Using and abusing: Somehow, meeting our needs has become so important that using people has become more acceptable. It is now commonplace for people to nag, insult, ogle, ignore and take advantage of others, whether strangers, coworkers or a spouse.
When denying others' rights and feelings in order to use them becomes habitual, abuse takes over. Sometimes it's a mutual-abuse cycle where both blame and deny each other's rights and feelings. Often, though, abuse is inflicted on vulnerable people who do not have the physical, mental or legal resources to protect themselves.
Who is my enemy? In a world of self-absorption and competition, everyone is your "enemy" because everyone wants their fair share. Do we really want to attack each other for wanting the same things that we want? A disagreement takes five minutes, maybe an hour, while enemies and regrets can last a lifetime.
Do we need to have enemies? Couldn't we just let people disagree? Can we get over our egotistical selves?
"No one seems to care anymore," a student said to me recently. We should care because need each other. We are social beings and need the support of others to be healthy. We cannot manage our complex physical, emotional and social needs without depending on others in thousands of ways.
Here are five steps to start breaking the cycle of conflict and blame, division and enemies:
1. Become aware of other people. Being unaware of how you treat people is like being socially blind. If you are not consciously striving to see how you treat people, you are probably thinking of only yourself. This keeps you ignorant, stagnant and likely to repeat your mistakes.
Developing awareness of others is easy — it simply requires listening. First you hold back the need to do all the talking, then you listen to their words, actions and nonverbal signals to learn where the other person is coming from. If you want to study the subtleties of listening further, two good models are Deep Listening (Thich Nhat Hanh) and Compassionate Listening (Gene Knudsen Hoffman, www.coopcomm.org)
The more you develop your listening skills, the more effective you will be at managing many forms of relationships. As you listen more deeply, your ego needs will seem less important and your heart will grow more capacity to understand and care.
You can even learn that it's not all about you! Reacting to disagreements as if they were personal insults just amplifies the criticism and negative-feedback cycle. You don't have to take disagreements personally, or stay stuck in past hurts. When others disagree with us, they are giving us new information that can keep our thinking fresh. Disagreements are ultimately good for relationships, and learning to use them will unlock many of their mysteries.
2. Learn positive communication. Words can be a weapon or a gift to others. Communication can connect people, or drive them away. Your intention matters, but your use of words also makes a big difference in how you are heard — especially if you're prone to verbal habits that convey negative messages and trigger defensiveness (e.g., put-downs, "you" messages).
There are a number of good systems out there for learning positive ways of communicating that minimize conflict and harm. The best-known system is Marshall Rosenberg's Nonviolent Communication (www.nonviolentcommunication.com), but there are others, such as Constructive Communication by Dennis Rivers (www.coopcomm.org) Rosenberg focuses on considering the other person's needs in your communications, because denying needs is the root of most harmful conflict. It's important to use words that allow people dignity and respect.
3. Step away from egotism. How do you get outside of your own perspective? It requires only working to think from the other person's perspective. Walk in their shoes. What feelings are they feeling? Figure out or find out what needs they have.
The good news is that the work required to get outside your own ego makes you stronger. Stepping away from self-absorption keeps you more aware of how you are really seen, especially your mistakes and limitations. Trying to understand others' perspectives and to compromise with them makes you more flexible and creates energy in your relationships. Having humility about your flaws and limitations builds healthy ego strength that does not need flattery and lies.
4.Embrace change. The human brain relies on patterns to manage our complex lives, but we become resistant to changing our patterns as we age. Patterns play a major role in managing dynamics between people. Many problems arise when we get stuck and refuse to change, because then we are unable to correct negative, stagnant and harmful patterns.
Most people learn a particular style of managing relationships from their parents and stick with it throughout adulthood, where it shapes the quality of their relationships and keeps them repeating their parents' mistakes. To stay psychologically healthy, we must find ways to break out of patterns that aren't working for us, and to choose not to continue the cycle of hurt. There are many tools for that, but all require making a conscious choice to break away from the past.
Change makes you stronger, brings new life to relationships, restores inner balance and even sharpens your brain. Change is a powerful tool that most people are afraid to consider because we are terrified of letting go, even when we're holding onto a monster. The keys to unlocking our ability to change are to try something different, think instead of react, and fight the rationalizations that keep you stuck.
5. Consider kindness. Kindness is the ultimate antidote to harming one another. Though it has been highly admired and valued throughout history, few of us learn much about how to practice kindness. What we do learn is often a superficial version of kindness — pleasing others and making nice with a fake smile, while denying our own needs and desires.
True kindness is simply being open and friendly to others. There is no obligation to be selfless or to give to others, whether street beggars or unemployed relatives. Kindness requires only that we stay open to others as fellow human beings — to look at them and talk to them without prejudice. Then you would give to others under only two conditions: that giving will not hurt you and will not hurt them. This is balancing kindness to others with kindness to yourself, though that balance is tricky.
Kindness should not compel you to give to others when it would hurt you to give. A good metaphor for this is the idea of giving away your raincoat in a rainstorm, which is not usually a healthy thing to do. Generally, you should not put your needs below those of others, because denying kindness to yourself is also a form of abuse. Keep the raincoat and stay dry, unless the rainstorm is not harming you and it is harming someone else, when you might consider getting a little wet so someone else doesn't get sick.
You should also put some effort into considering what is best for the other person, and that may not mean giving them what they ask for. A good example is the lazy student who asks you to do their homework; "helping" denies them the benefits of work and learning.
Another questionable form of kindness is our inclination to protect others from the truth when it would cause distress. This is part of an overall pattern to think that caring always means we should make life easier for others. That impulse may deny others experiences that can develop their skills, knowledge and strength. In general it is kinder to be honest than to support a fragile, false ego or to try to keep things smooth.
Keeping things smooth can be a way to keep people in their ruts and blind to how they contribute to their own messes. Letting someone continue to do something stupid or mean does not help them to be the best person they can be. If you say difficult things with a caring intention and use skillful words, you can help prevent problems later.
Kindness requires looking beyond the surface of what's happening and finding what is ultimately going to work for as many people as possible.
Finding our way to peace: Finding our way out of this mess of childish aggression and angry self-absorption is going to take a lot of work. We have to look at how we each add to this climate that fosters alienation, us-versus-them thinking, and fighting to get our way.
The first step is to look at our own roles in perpetuating harm. Finding our own negative patterns can give us power over how these damage those we care for and, ultimately, ourselves. If we as individuals can get beyond the uselessness of harmful conflict, then our families, workplaces and communities will become more peaceful. Then perhaps even our leaders could discover the folly of conflict and learn how to make peace.
Dr. Joanie Connors is a counseling psychologist who specializes in
relationship systems psychology and teaches at WNMU.
She lives in Silver City.