D e s e r t E x p o s u r e
April
2008
True Love, Cop Talk and Cowboy Laws
Plus silly signs, painful puns and pet fish.
Kids say the darnedest things. . . A little hospital humor from the younger set, courtesy of correspondent Deming Pam:
"Two little kids are in the hospital, lying on beds next to each other outside the operating room. The first kid leans over and asks, 'What are you in for?'
"The second kid says, 'I'm in here to get my tonsils out, and I'm a little nervous.'
"The first kid says, 'You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze.'
"The second kid then says, 'What are you here for?'
"The first kid says, 'A circumcision.'
"And the second kid says, 'Whoa! I had that done when I was born. Couldn't walk for a year.'"
The joke's on us. . . As always, we invite readers to substitute the hair hue of their choice in the following funny, sent our way by RobertH all the way from Fountain Hills, Ariz.:
"A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.
"'Oh, I really liked it,' she replied, 'especially the tight pants and all the big muscles. But I couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents.'
"Dumbfounded, her date asked, 'What do you mean?'
"The blonde explained, 'Well, I saw them flip a coin and one team got it, and then for the rest of the game, all the other team kept screaming was, "Get the quarter back! Get the quarter back!"'"
The sign on the road to the cemetery said, "Dead End". . . Our continuing call for silly signage was answered by RH of Silver City, who sends along these sightings with an international flair:
"Sign on a doctor's door in Rome: 'Specialist in women and other diseases.'
"Sign in an elevator in Belgrade: 'To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. The cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order.'
"Sign on mosque in Rawalpindi: 'This mosque is being repaired and might have falling debris, tiles, etc., but is OK for tourists.'"
Share your own sign sightings, foreign or domestic, with Desert Diary at diary@desertexposure.com, fax 534-4134 or PO Box 191, Silver City, NM 88062. Remember that each month's stellar contributor gets a highly collectible Desert Exposure coffee mug!
Come fly with me. . . Fasten your seat belt and enjoy these additional airline announcements, brought to us this month by Gelato Man:
"After a particularly bumpy trip, the flight attendant announced: 'Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Baltimore. Please leave by the front door, where we'll be handing out medals.'
"Once I heard one of the pilots get on the mic and say, 'Ladies and gentlemen, this is your old Captain Bill, speaking to you from the pointy end of the airplane.'
"Recently on a Southwest flight just before takeoff, a flight attendant announced, 'Ladies and gentlemen: give your neighbor a hug, give your seatbelt a tug — this Boeing is going!'"
Not exactly Romeo and Juliet. . . Sort of the flip side of our regular reports on the battle of the sexes, this submission from Toni in the Vet's Office tells instead of true love. As Toni comments, "This is what marriage is really all about." Indeed:
"He ordered one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink. The old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half. He placed one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles, and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.
"He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them kept looking over and whispering. You could tell they were thinking, 'That poor old couple — all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.'
"As the man began to eat his fries, a young man came to the table. He politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said they were just fine; they were used to sharing everything.
"The surrounding people noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.
"Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said, 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.'
"As the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady, who had yet to eat a single bite of food, and asked, 'What is it you are waiting for?'
"She answered, 'THE TEETH!'"
Postcards from the edge. . . This month's reader photo comes with
this caption: "Frumpy Fox, LLC, and foxxy hubby (aka Barbara and
Tom Gorzycki) seeing the sites of San Francisco on a Segway. The group
we toured with was from the Netherlands, and the bunch of guys enjoyed reading
about Silver City and its surrounding area in Desert Exposure."
Going places? Take us with you on your next trip and send home a snapshot of yourself holding "the biggest little paper in the Southwest." Send to Desert Diary, PO Box 191, Silver City, NM 88062, or by email to diary@desertexposure.com
Just the facts, ma'am. . . Not exactly "Dragnet" dialogue, these comments were supposedly all transcribed from actual police-car videos from across the country. Thank Bert of the Burros and our men and women in blue:
"You know, stoplights don't come any redder than the one you just went through.
"Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They stretch after a while.
"If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document.
"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired.
"Can you run faster than 1,200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you.
"You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?
"Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?
"Warning? You want a warning? OK, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket.
"The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?
"Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in pony poop.
"Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.
"In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC.
"How big were those 'two beers' you say you had?
"No, sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can.
"I'm glad to hear that the chief (of police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail.
"You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."
The weather outside is frightful. . . As you read this yarn, passed along by Margie, keep in mind that in other, benighted parts of this great nation it is indeed still possible to get a blizzard in April. The blondes in the audience are, as usual, invited to substitute "dumb brunette" herein:
"One winter morning in Pennsylvania, a couple was listening to the radio while eating breakfast. They heard the announcer say, 'We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snow plows can get through.' Norman's wife went out and moved her car.
"A week later, while they were again eating breakfast, the radio announcer said, 'We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snow plows can get through.' Norman's wife went out and moved her car again.
"The next week they were again having breakfast, when the radio announcer said, 'We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park — ' Then the electric power went off. Norman's wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, 'Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snow plows can get through?'
"With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, Norman said, 'Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?'"
Losing the battle of the sexes. . . Speaking of our gender-wars category, as we were just a few jokes ago, we happily welcome back Major Grandpa, who writes from afar with this pithy yet pointed tale:
"Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business. When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with whom to share his fortune.
"One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.
"'I may look like just an ordinary man,' he said to her. 'But in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit $20 million.'
"Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and, three days later, she became his stepmother.
"Women are so much better at estate planning than men."
Annals of criminal justice. . . With this tale, Fred in the Garage puts in a good word, of sorts, for all the rednecks out there:
"A redneck was stopped by a game warden in Central Mississippi recently with two ice chests full of fish. He was leavin' a cove well-known for its fishing. The game warden asked the man, 'Do you have a license to catch those fish?'
"'Naw, sir,' replied the redneck. 'I ain't got none of them there licenses. You must understand, these here are my pet fish.'
"'Pet fish?'
"'Yeah. Every night, I take these here fish down to the lake and let 'em swim 'round for awhile. Then, when I whistle, they jump right back into these here ice chests and I take 'em home.'
"'That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that.'
"The redneck looked at the warden for a moment and then said, 'It's the truth, Mr. Government Man. I'll show ya. It really works.'
"'OK,' said the game warden. 'I've got to see this!'
"The redneck poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited. After several minutes, the warden said, 'Well?'
"'Well, what?' said the redneck.
"The warden said, 'When are you going to call them back?'
"'Call who back?'
"'The FISH!' replied the game warden.
"'What fish?' the redneck said.
"Moral of the story: We may not be as smart as some city slickers, but we ain't as dumb as some government employees."
Capital pun-ishment. . . Don't say we didn't warn you. The puns in this submission from Jess Hossinaround in Arenas Valley are very much intended:
"Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
"A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'I'll serve you, but don't start anything.'
"Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
"A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
"A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says, 'A beer please, and one for the road.'
"Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other, 'Does this taste funny to you?'
"'Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'' 'That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.' 'Is it common?' 'Well, "It's Not Unusual."'
"Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, 'I was artificially inseminated this morning.' 'I don't believe you,' says Dolly. 'It's true, no bull!' exclaims Daisy.
"An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at, either.
"Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before."
"I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
"A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!' The doctor replied, 'I know you can't — I've cut off your arms!'
"I went to a seafood disco last week — and pulled a mussel.
"What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
"Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says 'Dam!'
My heroes have always been cowboys. . . Finally, from Ned Ludd, we share these "Cowboys' Lesser-Known Laws" — with an invitation to Desert Diary readers to chime in with their own, next month:
"Your fences need to be horse high, pig tight and bull strong.
"Life ain't about how fast you run, or how high you climb, but how well you bounce.
"Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.
"A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor."
Send your cowboy "laws," puns, jokes, heartwarming anecdotes and cosmic ponderings to: Desert Diary, PO Box 191, Silver City, NM 88062, fax 534-4134, email diary@desertexposure.com Remember, the best submission each month gets a highly collectible Desert Exposure coffee mug.