D  e  s  e  r  t     E  x  p  o  s  u  r  e  July 2005

Auto Obedience School, Hunkering Down
and Rules to Live By

Plus: When your swamp cooler gets knocked off the roof by a dust devil and other distinctively New Mexican experiences.

You know you're from New Mexico when. . . Bringing back one of our favorite categories—with a vengeance—Gardening Alice passes along this litany of ways to know you're from the Land of Enchantment. (If the original author is out there someplace, we apologize for not crediting you—and please send us some more!)

"You know you're from New Mexico when:

• You buy salsa by the gallon.
  
• You are still using the paper license tag that came with your car five years ago.
  
• Your favorite restaurant has a chile list instead of a wine list.
  
• You do all your shopping and banking at a drive-up window.
  
• Your Christmas decorations include 'a yard of sand and 200 paper bags.'
  
• You have license plates on your walls, but not on your car.
  
• Most restaurants you go to begin with 'El' or 'Los.'
  
• You remember when Santa Fe was not like San Francisco.
  
• You hated Texans until the Californians moved in.
  
• The tires on your roof have more tread than the ones on your car.
  
• You price-shop for tortillas.
  
• You have an extra freezer just for green chile.
  
• You think a red light is merely a suggestion.
  
• You believe that using a turn signal is a sign of weakness.
  
• You don't make eye contact with other drivers because you can't tell how well-armed they are just by looking.
  
• You think six tons of crushed rock makes a beautiful front lawn.
  
• You ran for state legislature so you can speed legally.
  
• You pass on the right because that's the fast lane.
  
• You've read a book while driving from Albuquerque to Las Vegas.
  
• You've used aluminum foil and duct tape to repair your air conditioner.
  
• You can't control your car on wet pavement.
  
• There is a piece of a UFO displayed in your home.

• You know that The Jesus Tortilla is not a band.
  
• You wish you had invested in the orange-barrel business.
  
• You just got your fifth DWI and got elected to the state legislature in the same week.
  
• Your swamp cooler got knocked off your roof by a dust dev
  il.
• You have been on TV more than three times telling about how your neighbor was shot or about your alien abduction.
  
• All your out-of-state friends and relatives visit in October.
  
• You know Vegas is a town in the northeastern part of the state.
  
• You iron your jeans to 'dress up.'
  
• Your other vehicle is also a pick-up truck.
  
• Two of your cousins are in Santa Fe—one in the legislature and the other in the state pen.
  
• Your car is missing a fender or bumper.
  
• You have driven to an Indian Casino at 3 a.m. because you were hungry.
  
• You think the Lobos' fight song is 'Louie, Louie.'
  
• You know whether you want red or green.
  
• You're relieved when the pavement ends because the dirt road has fewer pot-holes.
  
• You can correctly pronounce Tesuque, Cerrillos, and Pojoaque.
  
• You have been told by at least one out-of-state vendor that they are going to charge you extra for 'international' shipping.
  
• You expect to pay more if your house is made of mud.
  
  
  
• You can order your Big Mac with green chile.
  
• You see nothing odd when, in the conversations of the people
  in line around you at the grocery store, every other word of each sentence alternates between Spanish and English.
  
• You associate bridges with mud, not water.
  
• You know you will run into at least three cousins whenever you shop at Wal-Mart, Sam's or Home Depot.
  
• Tumbleweeds and various cacti in your yard are not weeds. They are your lawn.
  
• If you travel anywhere, no matter if just to run to the gas station, you must bring along a bottle of water and some moisturizer.
  
• Trailers are not referred to as 'trailers.' They are 'houses.' Double-wide trailers are 'real' houses.
  
• A package of white flour tortillas is the exact same thing as a loaf of bread. You don't need to write it on your shopping list; it's a given.
  
• At any gathering, regardless of size, green chile stew, tortillas and huge mounds of shredded cheese are mandatory.
  
• Prosperity can be readily determined by the number of horses you own.
  
• A tarantula on your porch is ordinary. A scorpion in your tub is ordinary. A poisonous centipede on your ceiling? Ordinary. A black widow crawling across your bed is terribly, terribly common. A rattlesnake is an occasional hiking hazard. No need to freak out.
  
• You actually get these jokes and pass them on to other friends from New Mexico."

Send your own contributions to "You know you live in New Mexico when. . ." to Desert Diary, PO Box 191, Silver City, NM 88062, fax 534-4134 or email diary@desertexposure.com.

Losing the battle of the sexes. . . Continuing our exploration of the differences between men and women, Barb Up North shares this morality tale:

"A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them is hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, 'So you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days.'

"Flattered, the man replies, 'Oh yes, I agree with you completely, this must be a sign from God!'

"The woman continues, 'And look at this—here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished, but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.' Then she hands the bottle to the man.

"The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

"The man asks, 'Aren't you having any?'

"The woman replies, 'No. I think I'll just wait for the police.'"

 

Our pets, ourselves. . . This yarn about pooches and cars comes, appropriately, via Toni in the Vet's Office:

"I pulled into a crowded parking lot and rolled down the car windows to make sure my golden retriever had fresh air. She was stretched out on the back seat, and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there. I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically, 'Now you stay. Do you hear me? Stay! Stay!'

"The driver of a nearby car gave me a strange look and said, 'Lady, why don't you just put it in park?'"

The good old daze. . . Our frequent correspondent from those thrilling days of yesteryear, BD, waxes philosophical about "Small Town Socializing":

"A most special thing for a young boy is to be around grown men when they just get together and jaw. That's what my Dad called it, you know, 'socialize.' When relatives came to visit, the women would go in the house and talk, usually ending up in the kitchen, putting together lunch. Although it wasn't 'lunch' then, it was 'dinner.' It didn't become 'lunch' until I got away from home and someone called me uncouth for calling the noon meal 'dinner.' Still, in the way of things, it's still 'dinner' to me. I don't know what the women talked about, but lots of it must have been funny, as plenty of giggling went on and when a fellow came in the room it grew kind of quiet. I wasn't much into women's conversations, anyway, so I didn't hang around the kitchen much, except to see what and when to eat.

"The guys would usually end up somewhere in the yard. Everyone would stand around and talk and you knew that until they hunkered down that the conversation wasn't really started good.

"There's several types of hunkering down. Lots of the young men would hunker with one foot beneath them and the other out front. As a fellow gets older, he can't stay that way too long, so a revised version is required. Then you have to use the two-footed type that will support more weight. The next type is the one- and two-legged type with the knees touching the ground. This type requires that the person grunt and groan a bit when standing up. The last type is the flatfooted baseball squat with both hands out front. This is used exclusively by older men and baseball players.

"It was satisfying for a boy to be around when men were hunkered down; I just don't know why. I think it must go back to the times when men squatted around community campfires.

"If you are wanting to hunt on a fellow's place, then the one-footed hunker is used as you won't be there too long, one way or the other. The two-footed hunker will be used when buying a horse or cow from a neighbor, as you will probably be there a while. After a rain, the two-footed hunker is used in different degrees as some will want to stay for a while and ask everyone there how much moisture they got. Some don't stay long, as they have to see that water gaps are still up.

"I think that the United Nations would do a lot better, get more things decided, and just get along better if they took all the chairs out of the building and just let those people hunker down for a spell."

Go ahead, reminisce on us. (Heaven knows your kids or grandkids are sick of hearing it.) Write Desert Diary, PO Box 191, Silver City, NM 88062, fax 534-4134 or email diary@desertexposure.com.

Pondering the imponderables. . . An excess of riches this month along the lines of the meaning of life, rules to live by and such. We begin with this email from John in Gila, titled "An Old Farmer's Advice":

• Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.
  
• Keep skunks and bankers and lawyers at a distance.
  
• Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.
  
• A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.
  
• Words that soak into your ears are whispered—not yelled.
  
• Meanness don't jes' happen overnight.
  
• Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads.
  
• Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.
  
• It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.
  
• You cannot unsay a cruel word.
  
• Every path has a few puddles.
  
• When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.
  
• The best sermons are lived, not preached.
  
• Most of the stuff people worry about ain't never gonna happen anyway.
  
• Don't judge folks by their relatives.
  
• Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
  
• Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time.
  
• Don't interfere with somethin' that ain't botherin' you none.
  
• Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
  
• If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggiing.
  
• Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.
  
• The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with watches you from the mirror every morning.
  
• Always drink upstream from the herd.
  
• Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.
  
• Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in.
  
• If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.
  
• Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God.
  
  

Then there's this collection of sage advice for the ages submitted by Terry in Columbus:

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
   
2. There is a very fine line between 'hobby' and 'mental illness.'
   
3. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
   
4. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.
   
5. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe Daylight Savings Time.
   
6. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant, unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
   
7. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we all believe that we are above-average drivers.
   
8. A person who is nice to you, but rude to a waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)
   
9. Thought for the day: Men are like fine wine. They start out as grapes, and it's up to the women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

Climbing the corporate ladder. . . With echoes of Donald Trump ("You're fired!") ringing in our ears, we open the door to your tales, true or otherwise, of life in corporate America. Berryjuice starts us off with this funny:

"A company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he wants to let them know he means business! The CEO walks up to the guy and asks, 'And how much money do you make a week?'

"A little surprised, the young fellow looks at him and replies, 'I make $300 a week. Why?'

"The CEO then hands the guy $1,200 in cash and screams, 'Here's four weeks' pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!'

"Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks, 'Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here?'

"With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters, 'Pizza delivery guy from Domino's.'"

Here's your chance to get back at the boss without getting fired. Write Desert Diary, PO Box 191, Silver City, NM 88062, fax 534-4134 or email diary@desertexposure.com

Kids say the darnedest things. . . With the explanation that "this is why I don't teach Sunday school," Writer Bill sends this Bible lesson:

"Nine-year-old Joey was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday school. 'Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. When he got to the Red Sea, he had his engineers build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely. Then, he used his walkie-talkie to radio headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved.'

"'Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?' his mother asked.

"'Well, no, Mom. But, if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!'"

Send your favorite jokes, rants, reminiscences, anecdotes heart-warming and otherwise and anything else you want to share with the world (at least our little Southwest New Mexico corner of it) to: Desert Diary, PO Box 191, Silver City, NM 88062, fax 534-4134, or email diary@desertexposure.com. Remember, the best submission each month earns a piece of spiffy Desert Exposure gear!

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